And He Never Stopped Giving

Greetings everyone!

Right now I would like to take a few minutes and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I pray that this season is well spent with family and friends in celebration of the greatest gift God has given us. Even as our nation and our world strives to reject the true meaning of Christmas, I pray that you will stand firm in the faith and will boldly and without shame declare the coming and eventual return of Jesus.

As I type this, I am enjoying a quiet afternoon in Buckeye, AZ, where my parents currently live. We are, as it stands, a day past a week from the Christmas holiday, and its onset strikes me hard as I reflect on the year which has so swiftly passed. Where did the time go? What happened to the year? I remember at the beginning of the year when I looked ahead to this time, thinking to myself that it would come so slowly, and, as I do every year, I ended up eating my words. So much has happened this year; it has been quite the roller coaster. There is a long list of failures, but also a long list of blessings which accompany it. Which reminds me, in case anyone is confused about God, know this: God never stops giving.

When I last wrote, I was nearing the end of the semester and rapidly approaching finals. Well, I can gladly say that I made it through, and I am fairly confident in my final grades. I have, so far, received three out of six of my grades, all being A's so far. It feels good to say this, considering my grades for most of my previous college life. I do not want to slip, as I am trying to earn more scholarship opportunities by having good grades, so this is definitely a step in the right direction. One of the downsides of finals week was that I got really sick. Like an idiot, I didn't listen to Kendra when she suggested going and purchasing orange juice and water early in the week, and the result was a major cold and I was miserable for most of last week. I still am recovering from the last effects of it. For the record, in case any of you are wondering, if you begin to feel the onset of a cold, such as a tingle in the throat or a runny nose, I have a solution. Purchase (or just drink from your home) a gallon of water and a container of orange juice, such as Florida's Natural brand (which is my favorite) and consume them both within 24 hours. The orange juice boosts your immune system and the water purges your body. The earlier you catch it the better. Anyways . . . now I am about over it all, so I am doing my best to try to enjoy the break.

As you may be aware, this semester has seen its share of struggles, most of them have had to do with finances, but even further than that, many have also dealt with God's presence in my life. I had a series of issue this month, and on top of the stress of the last two weeks of school and being sick, I found myself at an interesting place in my heart. My drive home from school on Thursday the 12th was typical in that it was not a new drive, but this time, driving home brought many tough feelings and tougher questions to mind. The rush of the semester was wearing off, I was physically and mentally spent, and I was sick. I began to think about next semester and what it is going to take to get through it, and especially of what it is going to take to even get to the next semester. I began to feel overwhelmed. The thought crossed my mind maybe I shouldn't go back to school and maybe I should never have gone to school. Soon, I began to think of how insane it was that I, having no money or resources, was trying to attend college. I had made it that far with a lot of help from people, and so I knew I had been blessed to be able to even be at school for one semester. But now something felt different. I had long thought about whether or not I was making the right decisions, but never before had I legitimately felt that maybe I needed to stop or do something different. The thought frightened me. Great, another failure was the thought on my mind. Once again, I thought, I have proven that the only thing I am good at is starting something I cannot finish, trying to do something I am incapable of. I began to talk to God on the drive home. I asked God where He was, and why I couldn't feel him there. I asked Him if I was doing something wrong, if I was ignoring what He really wanted because of what I wanted. Then I said "Okay God, if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then why have you left me alone in it? You say you love me and you know what I need. Where are you?" I began to explore my heart, and I realized that this semester I had grown cold in a lot of ways, and that there was a sort of bitterness creeping into my soul. It was at this time on the drive that a song came on, "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine," by Switchfoot. The words spoke what I thought I felt in my heart:

"My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath.
We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
Two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of daylight where
the Shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
O Lord, why did you forsake me?
O Lord, don't be far away, away.
Storm clouds gathering beside me,
Please Lord, don't look the other way."

And at that time, my heart poured itself out. I prayed and I begged God to not let me be alone. It was rather pitiful actually, that after all I have seen and been through that now I would dare question God's presence. But it was how my heart felt. Later on, I got home, and I spent the evening trying to relax and recover from the lingering effects of my sickness. As the days since have unfolded, God has not only been around, He is actually making it very obvious. He is using people to help me and to speak things into my life that I needed to hear. God has really gone overboard, as if to say "Hey, do I have your attention now? Now, just so you get it through your head, I'm gonna keep going." It has been crazy. But I have been thankful. God still continues to work, as He always has.

Lately, I have been thinking about man's impact on God. Now, hear me, I do not believe that man has any power over God. But, I do think that man has been given power by God. Throughout scripture, you see times where men interceded with God and God was moved to do something different. Now, some people chalk that up to it having been God's intended plan all along. I do believe that God has plans, but I think in His infinite wisdom and capacity He has planned for many many different choices that we could make. I, and many others, have said in some situations the phrase "if it is God's will, it will happen." Now, my attitude has changed on this in some respects. I think God's will is that I obey Him and follow Him. Potentially, I could do that in seemingly endless numbers of ways. Do I have to be a teacher? No. Do I have to go on the Eastern Europe missions trip? No. But I don't think God inherently says no or yes to anything. I think we get really obsessed with trying to know God's blueprint for our lives, when God really just wants us to obey his commands in all situations. That means loving Him and loving others, but not simply in the sense of a word that we throw out like love. It includes behavior and choices. If what we do is not honoring to God or showing love to others, then we can be sure we are out of alignment with God's will. If we love God, we will do what He says, and live our lives and take care of our bodies in a way which honors the Creator. If we love others, we will do our best to treat them like Jesus would, we will strive to reach those who don't know God, because how could we say we love someone and still let them walk toward destruction? When we fall in line to these things, we stay within God's will for our lives. So, I think God honors us and does things when we fall in line with His will. There is blessing, and we can intercede with much success. Now, this being said, I think that God has also designed some things to be within our power. Back in Israel's day, God told them things that would happen, and they depended on how the Israelites lived. If well, then blessing followed, if bad, curses ensued. We all know what happened. God has also tasked us now to go out and make disciples. In the gospels, Jesus says that "the Gospel must first be preached to all nations" before the end will happen. I think we have been given the choice to either be part of God's plan, or not. I have wondered, though, if we are prolonging the second-coming because of a greater amount of disobedience among Christians, especially in America, at truly living for Jesus and the spread of the gospel. Just a thought I've had.

I am excited for the next semester. I am hoping for success as I have had for the last three to four months. Your prayer and support has been greatly appreciated, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as I walk through the rest of the school year. Specifically, pray for God's continued provision, for God to prepare and work in my heart for the semester and for the missions trip to Eastern Europe, and for God to continue to teach me and show me what it means to follow Him.

I myself am praying that God will continue to bless you all abundantly, and that every day you will be aware of His goodness and His love. I pray that as you walk in life, that it will be obvious that you are a follower of Jesus, and that you will be bold and proud to declare what the Lord has done for you. I pray that you will fearlessly answer whatever call is placed on you every day, and that you will run hard toward the prize that awaits those who are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you for the time you have spent reading my blog. I love you all, and I hope to see you soon.

-J

Semester Stretch

Hey everyone!

I hope that when you read this you are in good spirits, and I pray that my words provide encouragement and challenge you toward a closer relationship with Christ.

I do apologize for not updating during the middle of November. There was a lot going on, and there still is! At that time I was working on numerous projects, research papers, and other matters which deserved their due time. As a result, I was unable to give the necessary reflection and time which these blog posts deserve. Please forgive me for this, I know some of you are dedicated readers and have invested much love and time into my life, and I do not want you to feel that sharing life with you is not one of my priorities.

Now, to cover the previous month is an arduous task in itself, so I can only hope that I will do it the necessary justice. A month ago one of my best friends got married to the love of his life, and I was the Best Man at the wedding. It was a great opportunity and an honor to be named as such. I am truly happy for the bride and groom, and I pray they have a wonderful, long life together. Being part of a wedding is honestly not my favorite thing in the world, but I do not believe it is necessarily the weddings which give me sour taste. I feel a sort of dragging, down feeling at many different things other than weddings, such as graduations and promotions. Whether or not it is reasonable for me to feel so or not, I do feel many times that I have failed way too much in my life, and that I have not really amounted to anything. At those times, there are many who have worked to build me up and remind me that first and foremost I am a success because my heart is set on Jesus, and that no person in God's family is a failure, and that even past that, there are multiple types of successes, not just the ones that involve making millions of dollars or owning a big house or car. Yet still I struggle deeply with this. Perhaps because I know that I have not amounted to what I expected of myself. I could go on for days about the ways I consider myself having failed. But I will not go into that. What matters is what is ahead, and I seek to move forward toward the goals that God has put in front of me, and the doors that have been opened for me.

Speaking of which, I wrote briefly on Facebook about this, but I will also say it here that I have been selected to be part of a missions team at Simpson which will be going to Eastern Europe! Our objective is quite different than I am used to on missions teams, a fact which has troubled me very deeply for the last year or so. In short, we will spend time with University students which are mostly Muslim, and our goal is to speak Christ into their lives! So exciting! For a long time I have felt God's tug on me to share the gospel, like, to actually share it. With WORDS. I have had deep convictions in my heart and it has troubled me greatly, to wonder to myself if I have at any point completely missed the point of gospel sharing. It's great to do good things for people. Feed the homeless, awesome. Build somebody's house or fix their roof, swell. But to say that because I was kind to someone means that I shared the gospel with them? No... I'm no different than the next humanitarian. I'm supposed to be different. It is supposed to be clear that I am doing it a) because Jesus commands it, and b) because I want to share with them the hope in Christ that I have. If somebody doesn't say it, how the heck are they supposed to know it? So anyways, I went into this interview and I was told what we were doing, and that it was specifically calling for people who want to share the gospel by word and by living the word out with people, gosh, I knew it was just right. I knew it had to be right. I could never say no to a chance like that. God should be the one to say no, and I believe if I am not supposed to go, He will make it clear somehow. But I do not believe that I have the right to say no. If the opportunity to share Christ is there, how could I not do it? God doesn't present us with these things just so that we can say no. He wants us to be obedient to Him, even if it means we end up not actually doing what we were called to do. Does that mean God failed? Absolutely NOT! Do you think the message of Christ failed just because one of the disciples was martyred, or because Paul got locked in prison? NO! All of these things were part of obedience to whatever situation God set for His people. Paul wrote "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" and "it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" (Phil 1:27,29). I do not believe that if I do not go on the missions trip that God has failed in my life, or that His plan in E.E. will fail. On the contrary, I know that God will do His purpose regardless! But how can I call myself a Christ follower if I am not willing to follow Him to death? (of course, I am not going to die if I don't go on the trip, I am merely suggesting the importance, the urgency, of following the commands of Jesus). So, many of you will receive a letter or email from me detailing a little of the trip and what to pray for, as well as some financial figures (those of you who know me will know that I cringe at this part). I do hope and pray that I can go, and if I do it will be only by God's grace that it will happen. I appreciate your prayer in this matter.

Outside of the wedding, the homework, and the missions topic, not much else has been going on. I am happy to say that I got to spend time with my family during the Thanksgiving break. I drove down from Redding to Manteca on Tuesday. The next day, I drove to Modesto and picked up Josh and Julia, my brother and sister, and we drove to Bakersfield, where we met my parents and my two youngest siblings. Why Bakersfield, you ask? Well, if you don't already know, my parents live in Arizona, approximately 7-8 hours from Bakersfield. We decided the best thing to do would be to meet. How unconventional!! A family of seven, including five adopted sons and daughters ranging from 13 to 27 years old, comprising of at least three distinctly different ethnicities, piling into an RV-Trailer for a traditional Thanksgiving meal of which at least half was prepared ahead of time by my parents, yes it was quite unconventional. But you know what? I care not for the location, I care not for the food. What matters is family. Being together. Oh the lengths that a family will go to be together! It is quite beautiful. We never really have to plan anything, save for the scheduling of arrivals and departures. We just simply meet, and life just flows. I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for no time constraints, for no rush, for no agenda; I am thankful for the chance to stop and just be family. A time I truly cherish. Seeing my family I feel is like seeing what God is all about. In the midst of many different personalities and ethnicities and good choices and bad choices, from the very best we offer to the very worst of our humanity, it was never about how different we are. It was only about being together. United as a family. Forgetting about the hurts and the struggles, and instead soaking in the joy of perfect moments of peace and grace. It truly was, and is, beautiful. And that we have the perfect father, our Lord, makes it even better. John wrote "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1). That is what I see. Not because we loved but because He loved us.

I have come to a place this month where I have become distressed at much of what I have heard from home. From visits and texts and calls, I have heard a lot of things that have troubled me. People are slandering each other, spreading lies and gossiping things which they neither know or understand. Many that consider themselves Christ followers are quick to point fingers at others for "big" sins while they themselves continue to commit "small" sins. There are those that condemn others but do not help bear their burden. People will talk to others about each other, but won't actually talk to each other. Factions, groups, cliques are being formed. There are some who are striving to serve and be involved but are doing it for completely selfish reasons. What has happened? I am not naive. I don't believe that this stuff never happened before. Still, I am appalled. James wrote "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings . . . out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be" (James 3:9,10). John wrote "let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth," and "whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen" (1 John 3:18, 4:20). Paul instructs us to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Eph. 4:2). Stop the slander! Stop the lies and gossip! Did you know that Jesus said that "the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts-- Murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:18,19). You cannot say you love someone when the words out of your mouth, especially those behind their back, are not loving. Love is not about a feeling you get or a sense that you are currently happy with that person and their actions and words. Love is about how you can move them ultimately toward God, by demonstrating the love that God showed to us. Love is not a formula or a checklist. It is Jesus. I pray that there will be unity, forgiveness, mercy and grace.

God is moving in my heart. He never stopped moving. I am grateful for this, and I pray that I can continue to grow with him in faith and love and virtue. I have some things coming up, the semester is about to be over, I have to pay for a new semester and new books and such. I will have new classes to attend to, and I must maintain my work ethic. I have the E.E. missions trip which will involve raising money and growing and training with my team. Most importantly, I have the never-ending pursuit of Christ. Please pray for all these things, but especially pray that I am 100% in Christ, as he is 100% in me. I thank you for your love and support, and I pray that God may bless you abundantly so that you may bless others with the love He has poured on you.

Grace and peace in Christ,

-J

Blessings and Curses

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your patience for this blog, and thank you for being a faithful reader. I apologize for the delay on this post. I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits, and that after reading this you will come to a place of worship to the Lord our God, for who He is and what He has done.

The tardiness of this post will hint as to the current state of my daily life at this point. I had an extremely busy week this past week, culminating in the reading of a 350 page book and a subsequent book review. I actually think I turned in the worst paper of my entire existence, so in hindsight, I probably could have typed out an extensive blog and still done just as well. I suppose I cannot say this for sure, as I have not gotten my paper back yet, but I am not excited to get it! That was not the only thing on the list, so you can imagine how the week went. But I will spare you that discussion. Instead, I will go back a few weeks.

Since the last time I posted, quite a lot has happened. I am unsure of where to even start!

Every time I post a blog, I ask for prayers for multiple things, not the least of which is God's provision as I attend school. Amazingly, I had some substantial gifts come in, all within a matter of days and seemingly one right after the other. I was taken completely by surprise, and I know it was God's love and grace in the lives of others that they willingly, cheerfully, and sacrificially poured into me. Never before has the Lord humbled me so much. I am thankful to those for their generosity and grace, but ultimately I thank the Lord because of His love. I am challenged even further now to continue in the work that has been set in front of me, and to follow the call which I have surrendered my life for. I ask that as I move forward to more uncertainties and more possibilities that I will continue to be faithful as God is faithful, and that I will have peace in His provision. I pray for especially those who have sacrificed much for me that their lives will be abundantly blessed, many times more than what they have done for me. I pray that God will sustain them and will use them even more in other's lives than they already have in mine.

Kendra's birthday was on the 19th, and I got the opportunity to travel to Manteca and then with her mom and step-dad to the L.A. area because she had soccer games on that day and the day before. We wanted to be able to spend time with her on her birthday, so we made the trip. It was great to see her for her birthday. They lost their soccer game, but they fought hard. I am proud that she works hard and gives her all whether she plays a few minutes or many minutes. It brings me joy to watch her play. I know nothing about soccer, but she's my favorite player ever! Oh, on that note, today (the 3rd) was our one year anniversary of dating. We went to church, spent many hours at Starbucks doing homework, had a great dinner at Olive Garden (which, I must admit, she picked the tab up for... yeah shut up) and then we did more homework back at school. Yeah, sounds like your typical college-attending couple! But it has been a great year, yes we have our ups and downs, but every day I am more and more happy with her.

School has been going well, other than the previously mentioned stress week. I have been doing pretty well in all my other classes, and I haven't bombed anything to this point. One of the coolest things was getting my Old Testament exam back, where I scored a 98%. Yeah, talk about feeling good! Hey, if anyone wants me to list all the countries of Europe, or maybe South America, or perhaps the geographical features of North America, I can do that! Yes, I think out of all my classes I have learned the most material in Geography. It is quite a bit of information, and we are in the middle of the most difficult section- Africa. By this week, I need to be able to name and place all the countries.

The most interesting class I have- and by far my favorite (other than the book review I had to write)- is my Civil War & Reconstruction class. We actually have spent relatively little time on the actual war. We spent a few weeks leading to the actual war, and each of us had to present different battles for a grade, and then we have spent the last two weeks talking specifically about Abraham Lincoln. The book review we wrote was on a book that was written by Eric Foner, and it's called The Fiery Trial, and it is all about Lincoln's life, specifically focusing on his interactions with slavery. The class and everything that we have done in it has vastly expanded my mind. Interestingly, the crossroads that the United States was at before the Civil war is strikingly similar to the crossroads we are at today, with different specifics. Oddly enough, after reading many different things, I cannot look at how I feel about today's America and still condemn the Old South for wanting to secede from the Union (I am in no way saying that slavery was okay). Also, Abraham Lincoln was a master of words. As I get to know him through his writings and dealings, I begin to think of him as a master politician. In a lot of ways I think that President Obama is trying to be like Lincoln. The only difference is... he's not. Haha. Oh for our class on the 18th I had to dress up as an Abolitionist from the 19th century. That was pretty interesting... haha. I'm sure there's pictures on facebook somewhere.

So, lately there have been a number of thoughts on my mind. At one time in my life I had thought that if you ever had doubts or questions in your mind that it meant you weren't a "good Christian." I had thought that if you ever looked at your life and wondered if you're doing the right thing that it meant your faith was weak. Now? I'm starting to think it is actually the opposite. I look around and I see so many people who profess to be Christians, and they walk as if everything is okay all the time. People hear things about God and nod their head. They love when their favorite worship song is sung at church. Only when the worship music isn't their style, or when the pastor says something that was a little too radical, or when the person in the row behind us keeps coughing, or when that singer up there is a little pitchy in their voice do many ever find that something is wrong. You know, I dislike when someone asks me how I liked the worship. Um... excuse me? Are you asking me if I worshiped, or are you asking me if the style was the most important thing to me? I will go another step. What about when a song comes on that everyone knows? Many throw their arms up in the air, people squeeze their eyes shut, many shout their song as if the louder they sing the more likely God is to hear. Yet, when the next song comes, one that is much less known, everything changes. Or when you are in the middle of worship time and the person next to you is talking to you and you are giggling about things and making noise, and then you turn from that and all of a sudden you are all "high on the spirit."

You know what I am thinking during worship? Whether or not I am worthy to even say the words on the screen. I think if it is really what I believe or if it really is how I live. If a song's lyrics say "I want more of you God" or "Lead me to the cross" or "I'm alive to live for you," is that really what we are asking for or desiring? Do we really know what it is we are saying? We love those songs that say "He loves us" or "Raise a shout to let all the world know that Jesus saves." But there are times where I am struck during church/chapel and I have to be silent and come before God and ask myself if I really mean what I sing. When I am convicted it is one of the most gut-wrenching feelings. How can I declare with song that I am following God if days go by without putting Him first? How can I be so hot on one song that speaks truth and be so cold during another song that speaks of the same truth? That is such a hard place to be in. What about standing during worship, or raising your hands? One of my least favorite things is when the first person stands up, because everyone will follow suit afterwards. Some were planning on doing it anyway, some wanted to wait til someone else to stand up so that they wouldn't look out of place or, God forbid, look like they are too crazy for God. On the flip side, some only do it because they don't want to be the only ones sitting. I do believe that plenty of people out there do things legitimately, out of true reverence for God. Yet, I often feel that I am the only one who thinks of such things. I don't want to come before God and just sing. I want to worship, in complete reverence.

Another thing that has been on my heart is missions. Lately I have had a deep internal struggle, because I have tried to make sense of the things I have been involved in compared to what I see when I read the book of Acts. Let me explain. In Acts, you never see the Apostles speak without an action, and you never see them act without speaking as well. I have looked back on any of the so-called "missions" that I have been part of and realized something- if I did not make clear the reason I am doing anything (because of God), then how am I any different from the peace corps or any other person that volunteers? Plenty of people out in the world do kind things for others and aren't doing them in the name of Christ. Yes, I know that Bible says that "they will know you are my disciples by how you love each other," but let's remember that this was said to people who were already following Jesus. Our love for each other (those who are in the family of Christ) is supposed to make people want to be part of that family. But we do not get to say that because we "love" other people that are not part of Christ's family that it means they know who Jesus is. If we really "love" other people, why would we not scream it at people?! If we love someone, why would we want them to have to face the full wrath of God and face eternal judgment apart from God? In that light, we should want to tell everyone before we do anything else, right? Instead, we have people eagerly listening to the words of that old Saint that says "Preach the Gospel, and if you have to, use words." There is no other statement circulating around the Christian community that angers me more than that. Where in the Bible does it say that? I don't see it.

Now let me clarify: I am not saying we all have to be super evangelists and hit the street corners at this exact moment, but what I am saying is that how can we just assume that since we are doing nice things that it reprieves us from having to share the gospel with words? Another thing that bothers me is when people talk about a missions trip "changing their life," or that it was a "great experience." When I hear those things, I wonder, So who exactly was that missions trip for? Now, I totally believe that when we surrender to God and take steps of faith that He works in us, shows us things, and lets us have great joy during the process. But, when OUR experience is the focal point of the conversation, or when our FUN is the most talked about thing, then what was the point? The hardest question to ask is this:

What in my life has changed?

If your life still looks the same, if you still fall to the same things, if you still behave the same ways, if you still do everything the same, then has your life really changed? I'm not saying that you come leave disliking Chinese food and then come back wanting nothing other than that. I'm talking about straight honest to God change. Where you understand the need for Christ in the world and the way you behave and interact with those at home changes accordingly. Stuff like that. This has been tough for me. As much as I can point to any organization or any group or any person or event that takes place, I look first at myself and wonder, Have I totally missed the boat? I don't think it is guilt that is pushing me. I truly believe it is the Holy Spirit stirring me, and I am finally listening. If I really believe that Jesus is Lord, and I really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and if I really love others, then I will do my best to preach the gospel, and I will do my best to lead people toward Christ. And I will not just speak words, but they will be with actions behind them, not because it will earn me salvation, but because I desire to give my life as a ransom for the work of Jesus. I am done with the excuses. In fact, I am without excuse now.

So these are the things I have been thinking of. I ask that you all continue to pray for me in my situation with school, that God will provide what I need, and that I will be in complete surrender to Him. Please pray for clarity and peace in my heart and mind, that I may hear God and be able to discern the road ahead. Please pray that I will not be bitter and in contempt of the world, but that by the love that God has shown me I will strive to pour that same love out into the world, both here and abroad. Please pray that God will glorify Himself in me, and that through His action in my life people will come to know Him and come to worship Him.

I thank you all for your time in reading this. May the God who is in control of all things show you favor. May He fill you with his peace. May he shower you in the riches of His love and grace.

With love,

J

What about the other Half?

Hello everyone, thank you for reading and for giving your time to my cause. I hope that when you read this you are encouraged, challenged, and grateful at who God is.

Today's verse... more like every day's verse... is Proverbs 16:9.  I currently am staring at the content of this psalm written on a sticky note stuck to the shelf above where my computer sits right now:

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

Take a moment to consider this proverb.  I will not begin to consider whether this says anything concerning free will versus predestination, but I do consider what this proverb says about who is really in charge here.  The final authority on ALL things is only God.  Any dreams, fantasies, wills, wishes, or desires ultimately must go through God. Many of us talk about what we want to do or what we think we should do and then we invite God to come along with us and bless us in it, and further, we say we are doing it for His glory.  Here is a question in my mind that I would like to present:

Do you think God wants to bless something that didn't come from Him?

Now hold on. I believe that God gives us passions and dreams that are good and worth giving effort toward, but I also believe that what we decide to pursue ought to begin with our total submission to God.  Rather than attempting to dissect and decipher the hearts of any one or more individuals, I will leave you with my own situation...

I never once in my life wanted to be a teacher.  There are numerous reasons for this, some are rational and some irrational, but here is a sampling of those reasons:

1) Relatively low pay for the amount of work you really have
2) Lots of time has to be spent after-hours outside of "work" preparing and maintaining
3) Responsibility

Now let me explain that last one.  It is not accurate to say I hate having responsibility, because anyone who hates that should never choose to live on their own.  What I really mean by that is that I am absolutely scared to death at the idea of students' lives and futures being affected and shaped by every little thing I do.

The point of all this is, I had never wanted to be a teacher, and these reasons (and there are more) were the ones that would have kept me out of it.  But instead, I pursue a college degree and credentials so that I may spend years of my life in classrooms with students.  Now to put my point of submission to God across, I will say that I am doing it mainly for these reasons:

1) God commanded us to love Him and love our neighbor as ourselves, and our love for God is made practical in our love for people
2) God commanded us to support the cause of the fatherless
3) God commanded us to go and make disciples of all nations and teach them to obey Jesus
4) The Bible instructs us to give cheerfully, abundantly, and sacrificially out of what has been given to us

Now let us be clear, I am not without passion and am not without dreams. I have discovered in my past six plus years of volunteering with Youth that I God has given me a heart and passion for teenagers. And dreams? Ever since I was a kid I have always had a Messiah complex where I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to be a hero in someone's life.  The interesting thing is that my dream of heroism has been held my whole life, but my passion has been discovered and changed through my life experience.  When I first surrender myself to who God is and what His expectations are, and then out of that I put my dreams and passions in perspective, I come away with a goal, a dream and passion from God to pursue. For me at the moment, that is to teach high schoolers.  You know what I think is the best indication that you are in submission to Christ first before your dreams? When you are completely and comfortably willing to change as God changes you. When your whole world doesn't turn upside down at the notion that you may not end up doing what you are going to school for.  When you are willing to change your whole life drastically to accommodate the change that God is doing in your life. These I can confidently say I have done, and am doing.  It is only possible with Jesus that I can do this.  God took me from a place of wretchedness to a place where I have purpose.  That is only done by Him, and will only be done for His glory. Not for mine.

So now you see why I have that verse from Proverbs on a sticky note above where I do my schoolwork. I must always remember who really is in charge.  I challenge you to always be thinking of that, always remembering that, and always challenging yourself and where you are at with that.

So I am almost at the halfway point of the semester, and I had the wonderful privilege of going home to Manteca to see my Calvary family and to wish off Pastor Tim as he moves on to a different ministry.  This weekend was so fast, and almost seems like a dream sometimes, but it was so refreshing and so motivating.  I came out of this weekend remembering that God's kingdom is not contained by walls or buildings or towns or nations, but that it is all around us and is within us.  I had the chance to talk to some people about the things that have been going on in my life, and I had the wonderful privilege of being prayed for on numerous occasions.  What a great weekend!  Kendra got to be back for a while too, and her friend Marijke (pronounced Muh-rye-kuh) got to come experience a little bit of where Kendra and I came from.  It was so good to see everyone, and I think of all the moments, one of the most memorable was the mobbing at the hands of the Junior Highers as I snuck in to youth on Thursday night.  That was so awesome and so humbling.  Who am I, that I should matter to these kids and adults? It was great to be a part of.

Now as the weekend has ended, and today I went back to class as normal, I look ahead with some anxiousness, wonder, question, and excitement.  I know that within two months of today I will be at home for a month long break, and that will also mean halfway through the school year, and one quarter of the way to my immediate goal of a College degree! How exciting.  Now if I could just get over this cold I picked up...

October 25th is coming up, and it is a really important date for me.  I am able to register for classes on that day, but I must first have all financial obligations for the semester met.  This will be a challenge, I am in some real need. I am confident that God will provide as He always has.  Please pray that I remain confident in His provision and that I will glorify His name no matter the circumstance and no matter the result. God is good!  "In all things God works for the good of those who love him..." - Romans 8:28

Ha, as I look back, I realize I gave a sermon and then gave very little detail about the past two weeks.  I promise that I will have more to talk about next time. God is at work, as He always has been, and there are some things brewing around here, I can feel it.

I pray for all of you out there, and I thank God for you, as you all have affected my life so much and have been so instrumental in God's plan in my life.  Thank you all for that, and thank you for taking the time to read this. May God bless you and give you peace.

-J

And the second lap...

Hello everyone, thanks for reading my blog again, I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits.

There is this funny thing that happens sometimes, most notably in sports, that I am about to acknowledge.  Let's take football, for example, since I love it so much.  Out of the entire game, the second quarter seems to be the most meaningless quarter of the game.  What exciting things happen in the second quarter?  Nearing it's end is no big deal because you just get ready for another two quarters that follow it.  It isn't the beginning of the game, so it doesn't carry the energy of the first kickoff.  There isn't as much tension as teams aren't trying to set the tone of their club in the second quarter.  Lets go outside of football.  Basketball's second quarter?  The second inning of a baseball game? The second lap of a mile-long race?  The second round of the PGA tour?  Yeah, second just doesn't carry very much excitement.  So what do we, the bystanders, do?  We channel surf, we walk away for some more pizza or soda, we turn off the tv completely (in the case of golf, they do us a favor and don't air the second round outside the Golf Channel anyway).  Yeah, the second round isn't that big a deal to us.

Yet, those of us who are in races, games, contests, struggles, we have the burden of caring about each lap, each quarter, each moment.  We don't have the luxury of leaving our stations and idly stand by as things just happen without a care.  Or at least, we shouldn't have that luxury.  

I even find myself in this lull right now.  The first quarter of the semester has gone by, and I had done well to this point at making sure I was done with homework on time (mostly early), and I was making sure that any other obligations of my classes were being completed in a timely manner.  Now here came this past weekend.  I had worked extremely hard preparing a paper and presentation for my Civil War class, and all I could think of after I gave it was how I was taking at least a 24 hour hiatus from any and all homework...

... Bad idea.  Yeah, I worked really hard on that project, but I prioritized it so much that I completely misplaced any recollection of other projects and homework.  I completely forgot that I had to read all of the book of Numbers for my OT class and notes and a paper for my English class by Monday, and also that I had two papers due Tuesday and Wednesday, and also that I needed to study like crazy for a quiz on Tuesday.  All this realization coming to me, by the way, on Sunday. 

What?  Where did the weekend go?  Now that I am getting used to where I am at and the reality of what I am doing, things are beginning to speed up like crazy.  It was almost 5 weeks ago that I first came to Simpson and it feels like just yesterday.  We are on the eve of October.  With a breath we have seen the first month of school fly by.

It has been a September of mixed feelings.  At times I have felt extreme joy, overwhelming sorrow, rock-hard determination, piercing fear, freeing peace, crushing bitterness, gleaming satisfaction, and darkening frustration.  Often I have wondered where God was in things, and other times I wouldn't let Him go.  He has spoken to me and he has been silent to me.  He has given me reason to shout, and he has hushed me in silence.  I have argued with God, and I have pleaded with God.  It has been extremely tough at times... and I actually can't say it has been real easy at any points.  Yet I know that at the very least my heart is for God.  Otherwise, I don't believe these things would be happening the way they have.

I heard a sermon on Sunday night where the man speaking said something along this line: "...when you choose to make Jesus your Lord, then you show up as a blip on the enemy's radar."  The enemy is a thief.  He comes to kill, steal, and destroy, yet Jesus has come that we may have life, and to the full.  One of my more recent struggles has been causing me to be legalistic in terms of my faith.  I have talked myself somehow into thinking that faith has to come by a certain measure; I operate as if I have to do enough of this or not do enough of that in order that my faith may be proven and therefore that God will intervene based on this "faith."  I try to rely on nobody.  Instead, I present myself to the Lord and I declare that my faith is in Him, and that I trust that He is in control and that He will provide and that He will protect, yet in the process I am strangling my faith with worry and doubt, and I am turning away those of the faith that He may send to my aid.  I have come to realize that I have succumbed to too many of Satan's lies.  But how do I let go?  How do I put that fully into God's hands?  One of the things I have been praying about lately is that He will help me and teach me to let go, and that He will help me and teach me to love and have faith.  It has been tough, and often times I find myself falling into the trap of doubt and despair.  Yet I know in my mind that He is Lord and that when I give Him my life, He will take care of me and guide me into all righteousness.  Now that is the problem.  I cannot say for any certainty that my heart knows it, otherwise, I would not be typing these words right now.  

These things have shown up lately in my life, when it comes to school and daily living.  I count on God, and sometimes he does not answer in the way I desire.  I am blind to many of the blessings in my life, but all around me I see prosperity in those that do not live to do God's work.  I become frustrated and angry, and bitterness creeps within.  I allow myself to be extremely sensitive to the way people handle objects and situations that I have had to deal with in my life.  When a person with their comment makes light of something that should be handled with care and a serious attitude, it bothers me greatly, and I complain to God as to how some nitwit could have been given the opportunity instead of me.  These are trying times.  I get so caught up in how to say things so as to not be too suggestive, and I do not know how to ask for help without feeling like I am begging.  Yet I feel the Lord stirring within me.  A slow process, it will probably be for me, but I know that God is molding me and changing me.  I know that He will do what is right.  I am thankful that He IS working, and not thinking about working or about to work.  I am thankful that He has blessed me so much already.

I believe that it is hard to sit down and be real with yourself and count your blessings.  I think that goes against the very nature of who we are as human beings.   I mean, if we really remember and consider all that God has done for us, then how can we complain?  How can we act like we deserve more or better?  The thing is, in view of God's mercy to us, what can we really ask for?  We like to have God meet some strict quotas for our lives and then we like to gently usher Him out of our life so that we can make our own decisions, follow our own dreams, and do the things that we think we ought to be able to do.  I cannot even begin to formulate a list of the people I know that have their bucket lists and their dreams and their notions of what men/women should be able to do, and it bothers me so much that people put their views in front of God's views.  It makes me angry actually. But sometimes I just sit and let them do what they do or say what they say.  Who am I, that I should tell them what is right and wrong thinking?  I simply present this:

If you are giving reason (for anything) and you begin with "Because I think," "Because I feel," or "Because I want," then stop, and start thinking about what will honor, glorify, or reflect God.

I am convinced that when you stop and consider these things, God will lay on your heart what is right.  The problem is, people don't want to believe that God would tell them to not do something that they want to do.  I am convinced that doing it this way is the right thing. How often do you think we hear our own voice rather than the voice of God?  Just a thought.

But I digress.  I press on in the struggle to do what is right and to trust God.  I have a couple weeks coming up where I must travel for school and, God willing, for the sake of blessing my loved ones.  I have a financial commitment to the school I attend.  I have bills to pay.  I have homework to keep up on.  I have relationships to build and relationships to maintain.  I have a mission to undertake.  How I will do these things, I do not know.  But I strive to cling to my Lord and seek His wisdom, peace, joy, and thankfulness, and I am confident that things we be fulfilled in their appropriate time.  

The love of Christ is for all!  "We love because He first loved us," and "...because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions."  Know that the Lord who created all and is above all, the One who saves us from our bondage, loves you.  I pray that you will rest in the comfort of His love.  I pray that more than anything in the whole world, that your life will be a living testimony of the love that He has given you.  May the Holy Spirit fill you and dwell closely within you, and may the glory of God shine through you.  Do not be led astray by the lies of the world we live in, but be comforted by the promises of life through He that makes life possible!  Let us deny ourselves, pick up our crosses, and follow the Teacher in all His ways.  May the road we walk lead away from death and into life!  This is my charge to you.

Keep me in your prayers, that I may grow in faith and virtue and love, and that I will be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can be a living sign of His glory.  Let the Holy Spirit work within you.  Answer the call when the Lord speaks to you.  May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.  I send my love and my regards.

-J

Not a Sprint

Hello to you all, thank you for tuning in this time.  I pray that at the time you read this you are in good spirits, and my hope is that, when you are done reading this, you will come away more cheerful and that you may praise God for who He is and what He has done.

I have now been in classes for two solid weeks, and tomorrow is the start of the third.  My classes are relatively easy, considering the grief I have recieved over the years concerning the "not-real-college" education I recieved during my time at MJC.  Quite honestly, the hardest class would appear to be the class I had assumed would be the easiest: History 1500- Intro to History. 

What, what?

Yes, you read that correctly.  INTRO TO HISTORY!  I have two upper division History classes (one 3000 level, one 4000 level, for those of you keeping score) and those pale in comparison to this intro class.  Much of it has to do with the level of work that will be expected of me in this class.  It will require a small number of papers that grow in size as the semester goes on, and it will also require me to spend a number of hours outside the classroom in a museum archive room handling documents and artifacts.  There is a requirement for me to attend an event thats being held at the school in October.  I have completed one of the essays so far, and what a headache!  The rest of the classes are a cakewalk compared to this one.  But I digress.  I am excited for my Civil War and Reconstruction class; I believe it will be my favorite class this semester, and maybe for my whole time at Simpson.  One of my favorite times in American History, and I get a whole class on it!  I guess that's not exciting to some of you. 

This semester I am getting myself back to some older, better habits, as far as studying and homework goes.  I had to dig deep, way back to before high school, to remember and put into practice the things I used to do for school.  Mind you, that was over 10 years ago!  Whatever the case may be, it is working for me to this point.  I have done my homework, right away most of the time, long before any of it is due.  How did this practice allude me for so long?!  I am a lot less stressed now that I remember being in High school and my early college years. I hope to continue these better habits as the semester and year goes on.

The first two and a half weeks of college have been up and down.  The first weekend was a trying experience.  I am not a guy that likes to be forced into group activity, and I care even less for things that don't appear to have any real significance or meaning in life, but I participated in numerous group activities.  One in particular was called the FYE games.  I was not happy to be part of this!  When we did it, I ended up going and getting in the pool and having to swim for part of the competition (and many of you know how I despise being in water).  Some would say that I don't give things a chance, and I understand that sentiment.  But I am also 24 years old, not 17 or 18, and I have lived life outside my parents' house for more than four years, so I don't consider that I need a weekend of thrill and games to make friends or be able to handle going to school.  I actually spent much of my time when I wasn't cheering or participating (yes, I was a good sport though I didn't want to participate) observing those around me, and I had a few interesting things come to mind.  The first being, we are supposedly all Christians at this school, and yet I wondered how many of them cheer for Jesus the way they would scream and holler for points in a game (I actually had to consider this fact of my own life too, quite humbling).  The second was how these games had no bearing in life whatsoever, yet many behave as if it was be-all, end-all.  Added to that was how many acted like winning was everything; there were also those that acted like they didn't care about whether they won or lost (though conversations that kept pointing back to how their team won/lost would indicate they really did think it meant something), and those who didn't seem to care at all, but that it was just something to do.  I ended up being very frustrated all weekend, and I simply was just wanting my classes to start, since the reason I was going to school was for an education, and not to go play around (what a thought!).  Ever since then, I have mostly put my concentration on school, making sure I have things lined up, and making sure I have everything I need. 

I often find myself feeling quite lonely, a man with no identity and no friends in a place far from home (well, not really that far).  Luckily, Kendra is up here, and so are a number of people who have been pretty kind to me so far.  I am in an interesting place, where I have gone from a home where I had a role and an identity to a place where I have no identity and seemingly no role.  My eyes are open and I am constantly trying to be mindful of where God is pointing.  There have already been a few individuals that He has stuck out in my eyes and mind, whom I will probably begin my discipleship project with.  God is teaching me (slowly) to be willing to lead, but also to be willing to follow.  For so long I have done a lot of leading, which is good, however all of us need to be followers sometimes, and ultimately of Jesus always.  Please pray that I listen to God and that I will lead when I must lead and follow when I must follow.  And also pray that I will be strong and courageous and go to battle in the name of Christ, walking with others and being walked with by others.  A number of guys and myself had a prayer/testimony time with each other a few days ago which was very cool, and it gave me great encouragement. Even now, God is using my story of redemption to touch people that I barely know.  I hope this may continue!

Being that it was the middle of the month, I had to make another school payment by today.  I had some help, it is amazing how brothers and sisters in Christ stepped up even before I left and made a difference.  I also was helped by my parents. God has blown me away in so many ways this past month.  I credit God first, and then everyone else for their faithfulness not to me and what I do, but to God and what He will do with and within me.  It hasn't always been easy, though I would suppose that it should be by now with how much God has done in my life.  Sometimes it is hard because many people here have a lot more than I do, as far as financially and possessions go.  I will turn down going out to eat because I pay the school for a small meal plan, and I can't afford to go spend money on meals elsewhere.  Many have an influx of money that just shows up every so often because a parent or relative gives it to them.  Many of these people have never had to ask for help in their whole life, because things were always just there for them to take.  These are things I am not accustomed to and do not understand what they are like, and so at times I get frustrated.  But I must be careful, I do not want to covet or envy.  I would suppose that one of the hardest things in life is the fact that people just can't fully understand each other.  Anyway, I am going to begin applying for jobs up here in Redding so that I may bring some sort of income in.  I know that God will provide exactly what I need and exactly at the right time, this last month has proven that even as He has proven Himself for my whole life.  God's kind of funny, and He loves to show off.  It is always those moments of hopelessness where God shows up in a big way, as if to do it on purpose so that we would KNOW that HE IS GOD!  Whatever the course of the next few months may be, please pray that God will continue to open doors for me, and that He will provide what is best and right for me.  And if I am to get a job, pray that I will maintain a primary focus on school, so that my education and the reason I am up here may not be hindered.  And also pray that my eyes will be open to the blessings that He pours out to us daily.

I love getting in the Word!  I am in Ezekiel right now.  I am proud to say that after Ezekiel, I will only have to read Joel, Amos, and Song of Songs and I will have read the entire Old testament, and therefore the whole Bible!  Not to be proud necessarily of myself accomplishing anything, but I find great joy in opening the Word of God.  Many times I cannot put it down, and I don't want to.  I think the Old Testament is my favorite because of how much it shows God's character, and the ways He continues to love us and shield us in spite of our sin, and how even when He brings destruction on Israel and Judah, it grieves Him to do so, and He does not take any pleasure in death and wants us to have life.  So awesome.  God truly is the best.  I don't know a single person that would love the way God does, and I would suppose that is the point!  I pray that I will not be satisfied once I have read it all, but that I will continue to read and re-read, that His word may be written on my heart. 

Thank you for reading!  I will hopefully be able to update again soon.  I hope this has given a glimpse into how life has been so far.

To my family in Modesto and Arizona, and to my family at Calvary in Manteca, I love you and miss you!  Not a day goes by that I don't think of all of you.  I thank God for each of you and for how I have been blessed to call you my brothers and sisters.  May you speak for Jesus boldly, may you praise Him when you hear how I walk with Him and learn from Him, and may you yourselves walk closely with Him.

Grace and peace to all, I love you!

-J

The Eleventh Hour

Hello everyone,

Thank you for once again reading my blog.  It has been some time since I last updated, however with school coming just around the corner, I will definitely be on this weekly.  I hope those of you reading this are in high spirits and are enjoying life, and that this note brings joy and hope to your life, as writing it does for me.

Though it appeared to be so far away, school is right at my doorstep.  It has come so much faster than I thought it would, and though I should not have been so surprised, it has caught me totally off guard.  What happened to the summer? I had a lot of plans for this summer.  I went on two missions trips, and I have been working for the majority of the summer outside of those trips.  It just flew by.  Gone are those days where I said I would relax, and gone are the other days where I said I would go and do other things. Where has it all gone?  How did it disappear from my sight when I was so focused on it?  However it managed to pass me by, the fact of the matter is that now I have my sights set on what is ahead.  And this week, this week is the 11th hour for me.

This week begins the full plunge into this adventure called school.  Thursday is the day my first semester's funds are due, and I am staying faithful that things will work out, whether immediately or by some way of the future.  My full intention is to pay for school 100%.  I have struggled a lot with fear and doubt in some of this process.  There are times where I actually have asked if God really cared about me.  Why won't He just work things out for me?  Why do I have to wait and wait?  Doesn't He care about me and what I want?  Doesn't He know of everything I have to do?  So many questions flooded my mind, and many still do.  It has taken some great patience and some even greater practice (with a lot of failures along the way) to understand that He truly does care about me, but not necessarily about what I want.  And that is okay.  In Matthew, Jesus describes the birds of the air not reaping and the flowers of the field not spinning and yet they are fed and clothed, and how much more are we than they!  He says do not worry about what we will eat or wear because our Heavenly Father knows we need such things.  He says to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all this will be given to you.  God knows what I need!  Maybe I need some money to pay for school, and if it is His will He will make that happen.  Maybe what is right for me and what I need is to end up not going to school, and if that is His will, He will make that happen.  I have grown to accept that what I want and what I think God is opening for me may not actually be what He wants for me.  My job is to weigh everything by scripture, and to be obedient to what He sets in front of me.  I cannot say I have walked that perfectly in this process.  I know there are things I could have done differently and could have done better and could have avoided.  Within me is the notion that I tried to do everything with my hands open and not closed.  I have tried to not walk in life concerned only for what I need to get where I want to go.  Is that righteous? Is that for His kingdom?  Many things are so uncertain to me, I do not know exactly whether or not the things I do would be considered right, or best.  But I must learn from the past and then move on, striving for what is in front of me.

After this week I will focus on getting my books squared away and my housing and other miscellaneous school things taken care of.  There is a lot of uncertainty in these things, I am hopeful that everything goes smoothly and turns out exactly the way it should.  I am trying to be mindful of how God is working in all this, and how I can credit all that He does to Him.  It will be nothing short of a miracle of God if on September 3rd I walk into class at Simpson University.  Not only because of what will happen from now until then, but because of what He has done before this point.  I have been given a second chance.  I must learn to be faithful with what He has given me.  What is mine is ultimately His, and nothing that I am given is for me to hold onto for myself, whether in knowledge or encouragement, whether in money or in possessions.  And so my encouragement out of this is to know that God is working.  Oh boy is He working.

I have been reading in Isaiah and John the last few weeks, and one of the craziest things to think about is how God can and work in all people, regardless of whether one honors Him or not, and He can do it at any time to any end in order to further His glory and His plan.  How crazy!  Isaiah talks about God calling Cyrus His "shepherd," giving him an honorable mention and an honorable place in His plan, even though Cyrus did not believe in the God of Israel and did not acknowledge and honor Him.  Yet he was used to place Israel back where they were supposed to be, setting the stage for the days when Jesus would come along, out of God's people and out of God's given promised land.  All this from Isaiah in conjunction with Jesus being who He was, our Lord and Savior, and learning to walk like Him in faith, and abiding within Him has really challenged me in the way of my thinking.  Christ has overcome the world!  How can I be in fear and not abide in Him?  These are things I will need to hold onto, especially as I transition to school.  It will be a long, tough journey.  There will be trials, there will be temptations, there will be joy, there will be sorrow, there will be success, and there will be failure.  In all things I must look to Jesus, abiding in His love, and being obedient and steadfast in Him.  He has paid a price for me, I am to be His and to die daily for Him.

Please continue to pray for my transition, for things to work according to the will of the Lord, and for me to hold fast to these things and to teach others these things.  I trust that God will use my circumstances for His glory, that when people see what happens to me whether good or bad that they will glorify God.  Thank you for your love and prayers and support.  I will return to this soon with another update.

May God's peace rest upon you, and may you be filled with His love and grace. 

-J

Hey everyone, just an update, I am having a fantastic (or not) time trying to get scholarships together and also finalizing registration.

There have been some kinks with registration, as I needed some documents that I did not realize I would need, and I am having trouble locating them, but I have made some progress toward that.  The issue I have is that I do not want to get registered so late that I lose my spot in classes that I need.  Please keep me in prayer through this process, not only financially (and also please pray about helping out if you can!) but also through the registration process, and also in the process of transition that I am going through right now at home.  Thank you all for your prayers and support.  I would like to give a special shout out to Michelle Curtis, aka Shelly, my birth mother, who has always managed to look out and keep tabs on me, because she cares with the love of God!  Thank you Shelly! 

May God give you all peace and blessings out of the abundance of His love.

-J

Sifting, sifting, sifting...

Greetings to all who read, and my gratitude for your prayers and considerations.

This week is another week of the chaotic mess that is involved during the spring and summer before going to a college.  It is a time where registration happens, scholarships (can) happen, various other types of forms happen, and with all this?

A lot of sifting.

I have realized that the number of things one has to do in order to get this whole school thing figured out depends on how much you are willing to sift through.  The seemingly endless forms that pile up for school registration have to be sifted through for every little detail so that there are no surprises when you get to school.  The scholarships you are applying for have to be sifted through to verify the legitimacy of the so-called "offers" that are advertized.  Many of the scholarships out there are nothing more than endless pages of advertizements and "special offers" that really don't offer you more than a headache.  The rest of the scholarships are literally crap-shoots that are random at best and exclusive at worst.  I suppose that if I didn't at least try, then I deserve to not get anything anyway. 

I am hard at work trying every possible avenue to pay for school, knowing in faith that God will provide, whether at the beginning of school in donation and scholarship or at the end of school via a career which will pay it off.  No matter which scenario, or any in between, I know that God will provide it, or He will make it obvious that I should not go.

This, however, does not entail my laziness.  No, instead, I must work hard, knowing full well that my efforts may be in vain.  Along with working at my job (which, oddly enough, begins offering fewer hours right when I need more hours), I am seeking out other employment opportunities as well, with little to no success (to this point at least!). 

Registration is coming about, I am going to register a vehicle, for housing and classes, along with some forms that are asking medical information, emergency contacts, etc.  It's all quite tedious stuff.  But work away I must!  Please continue to pray for me in this process. 

I thank you all for your support of me, and I pray that I will best display the love that God has through this process, at school, and forever.

May God bless you and give you peace.

-J

In Limbo

Hello viewers and followers!

So, to start, I must make some clarifications.

I actually was ignorant to the fact that there are multiple universities with the name "Simpson," therefore it was not within my mind to clarify as to which college it actually was.  However, now that I have been informed that there actually are multiple schools out there, I am here to tell you that the college I am attending is Simpson University in Redding, CA. 

Redding is about three and a half hours north from my present location in Manteca.  A private Christian-founded university, Simpson was on my radar when I first graduated high school, though I did not end up attending for personal (and also stupid) reasons.  It is funny, because now I view my attendance of Simpson to be a sort of "unfinished business," one which I am most happy to complete. 

I have been asked to talk about how I came to this point in my education.  I suppose to start, I will go ahead and say that I am thankful that it is truly never too late to pursue an education, and I am extremely thankful to a God that gives second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth...... and so on.... chances.  Coming out of high school, I thought about going to school to be a psychologist.  At that time in my life, I (admittedly) had a big head in that I thought I was really good at understanding people.  People's minds were wonderlands for me, and I loved talking to people and picking their brains, just to understand why people acted the way they did.  I thought to myself, "oh, psychology would be super easy for me!"

To awaken myself to my ignorance (and arrogance), came my first semester at Modesto Junior College.  I had not taken action in my last two years of high school to look for colleges and begin applying to them, and since I was homeschooled I didn't have the benefit of a guidance counselor popping into a classroom every so often to serve as a reminder, so I was ill-prepared for the concept of applying to colleges up to a year in advance (which would come back to haunt me in my later years).  Hence, I applied and was accepted to Modesto Junior College (a feat which was not actually very big because I found out everyone gets accepted to Junior Colleges). 

Anyway, my first class ever at MJC was Psych 101.  What a wake-up call! You mean to say that Psychologists have to do experiments and do a lot of writing and have to study this crazy guy named Freud? I thought we just talked to people!  Well, my 18 year old self was suprised by this.  Not that I didn't like and appreciate psychology; I simply did not want to do all that work!  I kept taking psychology classes, but I began to look into a few other fields which may be cool as well (with less writing!).  I looked slightly into computers, but realized how much math was necessary, so obviously I couldn't do that!  I looked into meteorology in my third and fourth semesters, but once again, math proved to be my obstacle.  Actually, I didn't know it, but it was actually a complacency and a lack of drive that was beginning to creep into my life.  I wanted things to serve me, without me having to do any legwork.  Not including a relationship happening which was hurting my growth more than helping it (in which I made many a bad decisions), I simply was just at school because I felt I should be, and my attendence and grades showed that.

Then a funny thing happened.  Everything is great and comfortable, and then it all goes away.  My dad lost his job and before I knew it, they were going to be moving to China.  WHAT?! China?  You mean that I had to go to China, or find a way to make it so I could stay in the states? What a transition.  My brother and I stayed back, while the other five members of my family trecked into China for what would end up being about two years.

I learned to be on my own, and for a long time I was enjoying it.  Being a lone wolf was something I always strived to be, and I was proud of myself for how I could work 40 hours per week, make rent and utilities, still be able to have fun and be involved with things, and still have a little left over just in case.  As I degraded myself into a more robotic service to God that involved less and less of my whole heart, so did my decision making and my priority, namely with school.  School was something I went to when I felt like it and when I didn't have something else that seemed more important.  I was making bad relational choices (or non-relational maybe?) and just living to live. 

Then I had a few times where I felt something was so wrong.  Did I really believe what I said I believed?  For weeks at a time I would have restless nights and days where I would just come back to my apartment and lay down all afternoon.  If it wasn't that, I would fill my days with things to do so that I would not have to stop and think. 

So, amongst all the things I could spend time talking about, I will skip to the day I sat at my desk in my room, thinking about what I was doing with my life.  I felt the Spirit tugging me, and I thought of my passion for high school and junior high students. I thought through how I wanted so dearly to live a life worthy that they would want to model, that I wanted them to learn to love God, that I wanted them to not end up living the way I had been, with chaos and without peace.  And calmly I said to myself "your place isn't in the church doing ministry. It is outside the church doing ministry." I was baffled at this, and pondered for hours what that would mean.  Eventually, I realized the call to teach.  It scared me to death, because I always thought I was a bad teacher at whatever I would try to teach.  But even though I was scared, it felt so right.  Teach.

So my mission from then on?  Go to school to become a teacher.

Fast forward to the last year.  My classes that I took one and two at a time to get the rest of my general ed out of the way (toward a teaching degree and credential) were being finished, and unfortunately my previous ignorance of what college application processes require would cause me to have to delay my transfer to fall 2013.  I have no classes I can take that will count further for me, the rest of my classes will be upper division.  This leaves me in a state of limbo right now.  Working to attempt to save some money to have to pay for college (while going through some odd financial circumstances at home), while staying involved in the church body, and trying to figure out how in the world all this is going to happen.  I have a lot to accomplish in the next few months, with helping my siblings find a residence, myself finding a place to hop for the summer, getting all our stuff moved and getting out of our rental, getting classes registered, and finding the money to pay for college.  Sprinkle in a couple missions trips and I have a busy summer ahead of me. 

Now, some might say, if I am trying to save money and go to college, why would I go on missions trips, thereby taking away money and opportunities to work and make money?

The answer is simple.  This isn't about me. I will not store up treasures for myself on this earth.  Instead, one of the amazing things about the last couple years, and especially this last year, is my understanding of God's love.  I have a mission to pour myself out unconditionally before God and to all people.  Everyone deserves to know God's love the way it has been revealed to me.  And I have the opportunity to go and tell people that.  How could I forego doing what God commands us (Matthew 28:18-20) and instead pursue something that is about me?  God will provide all things.  I must first seek His kingdom and His righteousness.

So, here I am now, in a sort of limbo, awaiting the end of August, when a new chapter of my life begins. 

Thank you for reading,

May God bless you and give you peace.

-J

Welcome to my Blog!

Hello everyone! Welcome to my personal blog!  I hope that this will be a good avenue for me to talk about what is going on with my life, and also for you all to stay up to date on what is going on in my life.  I will make an attempt to post to this occasionally.  Thank you for reading!