In Limbo

Hello viewers and followers!

So, to start, I must make some clarifications.

I actually was ignorant to the fact that there are multiple universities with the name "Simpson," therefore it was not within my mind to clarify as to which college it actually was.  However, now that I have been informed that there actually are multiple schools out there, I am here to tell you that the college I am attending is Simpson University in Redding, CA. 

Redding is about three and a half hours north from my present location in Manteca.  A private Christian-founded university, Simpson was on my radar when I first graduated high school, though I did not end up attending for personal (and also stupid) reasons.  It is funny, because now I view my attendance of Simpson to be a sort of "unfinished business," one which I am most happy to complete. 

I have been asked to talk about how I came to this point in my education.  I suppose to start, I will go ahead and say that I am thankful that it is truly never too late to pursue an education, and I am extremely thankful to a God that gives second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth...... and so on.... chances.  Coming out of high school, I thought about going to school to be a psychologist.  At that time in my life, I (admittedly) had a big head in that I thought I was really good at understanding people.  People's minds were wonderlands for me, and I loved talking to people and picking their brains, just to understand why people acted the way they did.  I thought to myself, "oh, psychology would be super easy for me!"

To awaken myself to my ignorance (and arrogance), came my first semester at Modesto Junior College.  I had not taken action in my last two years of high school to look for colleges and begin applying to them, and since I was homeschooled I didn't have the benefit of a guidance counselor popping into a classroom every so often to serve as a reminder, so I was ill-prepared for the concept of applying to colleges up to a year in advance (which would come back to haunt me in my later years).  Hence, I applied and was accepted to Modesto Junior College (a feat which was not actually very big because I found out everyone gets accepted to Junior Colleges). 

Anyway, my first class ever at MJC was Psych 101.  What a wake-up call! You mean to say that Psychologists have to do experiments and do a lot of writing and have to study this crazy guy named Freud? I thought we just talked to people!  Well, my 18 year old self was suprised by this.  Not that I didn't like and appreciate psychology; I simply did not want to do all that work!  I kept taking psychology classes, but I began to look into a few other fields which may be cool as well (with less writing!).  I looked slightly into computers, but realized how much math was necessary, so obviously I couldn't do that!  I looked into meteorology in my third and fourth semesters, but once again, math proved to be my obstacle.  Actually, I didn't know it, but it was actually a complacency and a lack of drive that was beginning to creep into my life.  I wanted things to serve me, without me having to do any legwork.  Not including a relationship happening which was hurting my growth more than helping it (in which I made many a bad decisions), I simply was just at school because I felt I should be, and my attendence and grades showed that.

Then a funny thing happened.  Everything is great and comfortable, and then it all goes away.  My dad lost his job and before I knew it, they were going to be moving to China.  WHAT?! China?  You mean that I had to go to China, or find a way to make it so I could stay in the states? What a transition.  My brother and I stayed back, while the other five members of my family trecked into China for what would end up being about two years.

I learned to be on my own, and for a long time I was enjoying it.  Being a lone wolf was something I always strived to be, and I was proud of myself for how I could work 40 hours per week, make rent and utilities, still be able to have fun and be involved with things, and still have a little left over just in case.  As I degraded myself into a more robotic service to God that involved less and less of my whole heart, so did my decision making and my priority, namely with school.  School was something I went to when I felt like it and when I didn't have something else that seemed more important.  I was making bad relational choices (or non-relational maybe?) and just living to live. 

Then I had a few times where I felt something was so wrong.  Did I really believe what I said I believed?  For weeks at a time I would have restless nights and days where I would just come back to my apartment and lay down all afternoon.  If it wasn't that, I would fill my days with things to do so that I would not have to stop and think. 

So, amongst all the things I could spend time talking about, I will skip to the day I sat at my desk in my room, thinking about what I was doing with my life.  I felt the Spirit tugging me, and I thought of my passion for high school and junior high students. I thought through how I wanted so dearly to live a life worthy that they would want to model, that I wanted them to learn to love God, that I wanted them to not end up living the way I had been, with chaos and without peace.  And calmly I said to myself "your place isn't in the church doing ministry. It is outside the church doing ministry." I was baffled at this, and pondered for hours what that would mean.  Eventually, I realized the call to teach.  It scared me to death, because I always thought I was a bad teacher at whatever I would try to teach.  But even though I was scared, it felt so right.  Teach.

So my mission from then on?  Go to school to become a teacher.

Fast forward to the last year.  My classes that I took one and two at a time to get the rest of my general ed out of the way (toward a teaching degree and credential) were being finished, and unfortunately my previous ignorance of what college application processes require would cause me to have to delay my transfer to fall 2013.  I have no classes I can take that will count further for me, the rest of my classes will be upper division.  This leaves me in a state of limbo right now.  Working to attempt to save some money to have to pay for college (while going through some odd financial circumstances at home), while staying involved in the church body, and trying to figure out how in the world all this is going to happen.  I have a lot to accomplish in the next few months, with helping my siblings find a residence, myself finding a place to hop for the summer, getting all our stuff moved and getting out of our rental, getting classes registered, and finding the money to pay for college.  Sprinkle in a couple missions trips and I have a busy summer ahead of me. 

Now, some might say, if I am trying to save money and go to college, why would I go on missions trips, thereby taking away money and opportunities to work and make money?

The answer is simple.  This isn't about me. I will not store up treasures for myself on this earth.  Instead, one of the amazing things about the last couple years, and especially this last year, is my understanding of God's love.  I have a mission to pour myself out unconditionally before God and to all people.  Everyone deserves to know God's love the way it has been revealed to me.  And I have the opportunity to go and tell people that.  How could I forego doing what God commands us (Matthew 28:18-20) and instead pursue something that is about me?  God will provide all things.  I must first seek His kingdom and His righteousness.

So, here I am now, in a sort of limbo, awaiting the end of August, when a new chapter of my life begins. 

Thank you for reading,

May God bless you and give you peace.

-J