And He Never Stopped Giving

Greetings everyone!

Right now I would like to take a few minutes and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I pray that this season is well spent with family and friends in celebration of the greatest gift God has given us. Even as our nation and our world strives to reject the true meaning of Christmas, I pray that you will stand firm in the faith and will boldly and without shame declare the coming and eventual return of Jesus.

As I type this, I am enjoying a quiet afternoon in Buckeye, AZ, where my parents currently live. We are, as it stands, a day past a week from the Christmas holiday, and its onset strikes me hard as I reflect on the year which has so swiftly passed. Where did the time go? What happened to the year? I remember at the beginning of the year when I looked ahead to this time, thinking to myself that it would come so slowly, and, as I do every year, I ended up eating my words. So much has happened this year; it has been quite the roller coaster. There is a long list of failures, but also a long list of blessings which accompany it. Which reminds me, in case anyone is confused about God, know this: God never stops giving.

When I last wrote, I was nearing the end of the semester and rapidly approaching finals. Well, I can gladly say that I made it through, and I am fairly confident in my final grades. I have, so far, received three out of six of my grades, all being A's so far. It feels good to say this, considering my grades for most of my previous college life. I do not want to slip, as I am trying to earn more scholarship opportunities by having good grades, so this is definitely a step in the right direction. One of the downsides of finals week was that I got really sick. Like an idiot, I didn't listen to Kendra when she suggested going and purchasing orange juice and water early in the week, and the result was a major cold and I was miserable for most of last week. I still am recovering from the last effects of it. For the record, in case any of you are wondering, if you begin to feel the onset of a cold, such as a tingle in the throat or a runny nose, I have a solution. Purchase (or just drink from your home) a gallon of water and a container of orange juice, such as Florida's Natural brand (which is my favorite) and consume them both within 24 hours. The orange juice boosts your immune system and the water purges your body. The earlier you catch it the better. Anyways . . . now I am about over it all, so I am doing my best to try to enjoy the break.

As you may be aware, this semester has seen its share of struggles, most of them have had to do with finances, but even further than that, many have also dealt with God's presence in my life. I had a series of issue this month, and on top of the stress of the last two weeks of school and being sick, I found myself at an interesting place in my heart. My drive home from school on Thursday the 12th was typical in that it was not a new drive, but this time, driving home brought many tough feelings and tougher questions to mind. The rush of the semester was wearing off, I was physically and mentally spent, and I was sick. I began to think about next semester and what it is going to take to get through it, and especially of what it is going to take to even get to the next semester. I began to feel overwhelmed. The thought crossed my mind maybe I shouldn't go back to school and maybe I should never have gone to school. Soon, I began to think of how insane it was that I, having no money or resources, was trying to attend college. I had made it that far with a lot of help from people, and so I knew I had been blessed to be able to even be at school for one semester. But now something felt different. I had long thought about whether or not I was making the right decisions, but never before had I legitimately felt that maybe I needed to stop or do something different. The thought frightened me. Great, another failure was the thought on my mind. Once again, I thought, I have proven that the only thing I am good at is starting something I cannot finish, trying to do something I am incapable of. I began to talk to God on the drive home. I asked God where He was, and why I couldn't feel him there. I asked Him if I was doing something wrong, if I was ignoring what He really wanted because of what I wanted. Then I said "Okay God, if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then why have you left me alone in it? You say you love me and you know what I need. Where are you?" I began to explore my heart, and I realized that this semester I had grown cold in a lot of ways, and that there was a sort of bitterness creeping into my soul. It was at this time on the drive that a song came on, "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine," by Switchfoot. The words spoke what I thought I felt in my heart:

"My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath.
We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
Two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of daylight where
the Shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
O Lord, why did you forsake me?
O Lord, don't be far away, away.
Storm clouds gathering beside me,
Please Lord, don't look the other way."

And at that time, my heart poured itself out. I prayed and I begged God to not let me be alone. It was rather pitiful actually, that after all I have seen and been through that now I would dare question God's presence. But it was how my heart felt. Later on, I got home, and I spent the evening trying to relax and recover from the lingering effects of my sickness. As the days since have unfolded, God has not only been around, He is actually making it very obvious. He is using people to help me and to speak things into my life that I needed to hear. God has really gone overboard, as if to say "Hey, do I have your attention now? Now, just so you get it through your head, I'm gonna keep going." It has been crazy. But I have been thankful. God still continues to work, as He always has.

Lately, I have been thinking about man's impact on God. Now, hear me, I do not believe that man has any power over God. But, I do think that man has been given power by God. Throughout scripture, you see times where men interceded with God and God was moved to do something different. Now, some people chalk that up to it having been God's intended plan all along. I do believe that God has plans, but I think in His infinite wisdom and capacity He has planned for many many different choices that we could make. I, and many others, have said in some situations the phrase "if it is God's will, it will happen." Now, my attitude has changed on this in some respects. I think God's will is that I obey Him and follow Him. Potentially, I could do that in seemingly endless numbers of ways. Do I have to be a teacher? No. Do I have to go on the Eastern Europe missions trip? No. But I don't think God inherently says no or yes to anything. I think we get really obsessed with trying to know God's blueprint for our lives, when God really just wants us to obey his commands in all situations. That means loving Him and loving others, but not simply in the sense of a word that we throw out like love. It includes behavior and choices. If what we do is not honoring to God or showing love to others, then we can be sure we are out of alignment with God's will. If we love God, we will do what He says, and live our lives and take care of our bodies in a way which honors the Creator. If we love others, we will do our best to treat them like Jesus would, we will strive to reach those who don't know God, because how could we say we love someone and still let them walk toward destruction? When we fall in line to these things, we stay within God's will for our lives. So, I think God honors us and does things when we fall in line with His will. There is blessing, and we can intercede with much success. Now, this being said, I think that God has also designed some things to be within our power. Back in Israel's day, God told them things that would happen, and they depended on how the Israelites lived. If well, then blessing followed, if bad, curses ensued. We all know what happened. God has also tasked us now to go out and make disciples. In the gospels, Jesus says that "the Gospel must first be preached to all nations" before the end will happen. I think we have been given the choice to either be part of God's plan, or not. I have wondered, though, if we are prolonging the second-coming because of a greater amount of disobedience among Christians, especially in America, at truly living for Jesus and the spread of the gospel. Just a thought I've had.

I am excited for the next semester. I am hoping for success as I have had for the last three to four months. Your prayer and support has been greatly appreciated, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as I walk through the rest of the school year. Specifically, pray for God's continued provision, for God to prepare and work in my heart for the semester and for the missions trip to Eastern Europe, and for God to continue to teach me and show me what it means to follow Him.

I myself am praying that God will continue to bless you all abundantly, and that every day you will be aware of His goodness and His love. I pray that as you walk in life, that it will be obvious that you are a follower of Jesus, and that you will be bold and proud to declare what the Lord has done for you. I pray that you will fearlessly answer whatever call is placed on you every day, and that you will run hard toward the prize that awaits those who are in Christ Jesus.

Thank you for the time you have spent reading my blog. I love you all, and I hope to see you soon.

-J