There is this funny thing that happens sometimes, most notably in sports, that I am about to acknowledge. Let's take football, for example, since I love it so much. Out of the entire game, the second quarter seems to be the most meaningless quarter of the game. What exciting things happen in the second quarter? Nearing it's end is no big deal because you just get ready for another two quarters that follow it. It isn't the beginning of the game, so it doesn't carry the energy of the first kickoff. There isn't as much tension as teams aren't trying to set the tone of their club in the second quarter. Lets go outside of football. Basketball's second quarter? The second inning of a baseball game? The second lap of a mile-long race? The second round of the PGA tour? Yeah, second just doesn't carry very much excitement. So what do we, the bystanders, do? We channel surf, we walk away for some more pizza or soda, we turn off the tv completely (in the case of golf, they do us a favor and don't air the second round outside the Golf Channel anyway). Yeah, the second round isn't that big a deal to us.
Yet, those of us who are in races, games, contests, struggles, we have the burden of caring about each lap, each quarter, each moment. We don't have the luxury of leaving our stations and idly stand by as things just happen without a care. Or at least, we shouldn't have that luxury.
I even find myself in this lull right now. The first quarter of the semester has gone by, and I had done well to this point at making sure I was done with homework on time (mostly early), and I was making sure that any other obligations of my classes were being completed in a timely manner. Now here came this past weekend. I had worked extremely hard preparing a paper and presentation for my Civil War class, and all I could think of after I gave it was how I was taking at least a 24 hour hiatus from any and all homework...
... Bad idea. Yeah, I worked really hard on that project, but I prioritized it so much that I completely misplaced any recollection of other projects and homework. I completely forgot that I had to read all of the book of Numbers for my OT class and notes and a paper for my English class by Monday, and also that I had two papers due Tuesday and Wednesday, and also that I needed to study like crazy for a quiz on Tuesday. All this realization coming to me, by the way, on Sunday.
What? Where did the weekend go? Now that I am getting used to where I am at and the reality of what I am doing, things are beginning to speed up like crazy. It was almost 5 weeks ago that I first came to Simpson and it feels like just yesterday. We are on the eve of October. With a breath we have seen the first month of school fly by.
It has been a September of mixed feelings. At times I have felt extreme joy, overwhelming sorrow, rock-hard determination, piercing fear, freeing peace, crushing bitterness, gleaming satisfaction, and darkening frustration. Often I have wondered where God was in things, and other times I wouldn't let Him go. He has spoken to me and he has been silent to me. He has given me reason to shout, and he has hushed me in silence. I have argued with God, and I have pleaded with God. It has been extremely tough at times... and I actually can't say it has been real easy at any points. Yet I know that at the very least my heart is for God. Otherwise, I don't believe these things would be happening the way they have.
I heard a sermon on Sunday night where the man speaking said something along this line: "...when you choose to make Jesus your Lord, then you show up as a blip on the enemy's radar." The enemy is a thief. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy, yet Jesus has come that we may have life, and to the full. One of my more recent struggles has been causing me to be legalistic in terms of my faith. I have talked myself somehow into thinking that faith has to come by a certain measure; I operate as if I have to do enough of this or not do enough of that in order that my faith may be proven and therefore that God will intervene based on this "faith." I try to rely on nobody. Instead, I present myself to the Lord and I declare that my faith is in Him, and that I trust that He is in control and that He will provide and that He will protect, yet in the process I am strangling my faith with worry and doubt, and I am turning away those of the faith that He may send to my aid. I have come to realize that I have succumbed to too many of Satan's lies. But how do I let go? How do I put that fully into God's hands? One of the things I have been praying about lately is that He will help me and teach me to let go, and that He will help me and teach me to love and have faith. It has been tough, and often times I find myself falling into the trap of doubt and despair. Yet I know in my mind that He is Lord and that when I give Him my life, He will take care of me and guide me into all righteousness. Now that is the problem. I cannot say for any certainty that my heart knows it, otherwise, I would not be typing these words right now.
These things have shown up lately in my life, when it comes to school and daily living. I count on God, and sometimes he does not answer in the way I desire. I am blind to many of the blessings in my life, but all around me I see prosperity in those that do not live to do God's work. I become frustrated and angry, and bitterness creeps within. I allow myself to be extremely sensitive to the way people handle objects and situations that I have had to deal with in my life. When a person with their comment makes light of something that should be handled with care and a serious attitude, it bothers me greatly, and I complain to God as to how some nitwit could have been given the opportunity instead of me. These are trying times. I get so caught up in how to say things so as to not be too suggestive, and I do not know how to ask for help without feeling like I am begging. Yet I feel the Lord stirring within me. A slow process, it will probably be for me, but I know that God is molding me and changing me. I know that He will do what is right. I am thankful that He IS working, and not thinking about working or about to work. I am thankful that He has blessed me so much already.
I believe that it is hard to sit down and be real with yourself and count your blessings. I think that goes against the very nature of who we are as human beings. I mean, if we really remember and consider all that God has done for us, then how can we complain? How can we act like we deserve more or better? The thing is, in view of God's mercy to us, what can we really ask for? We like to have God meet some strict quotas for our lives and then we like to gently usher Him out of our life so that we can make our own decisions, follow our own dreams, and do the things that we think we ought to be able to do. I cannot even begin to formulate a list of the people I know that have their bucket lists and their dreams and their notions of what men/women should be able to do, and it bothers me so much that people put their views in front of God's views. It makes me angry actually. But sometimes I just sit and let them do what they do or say what they say. Who am I, that I should tell them what is right and wrong thinking? I simply present this:
If you are giving reason (for anything) and you begin with "Because I think," "Because I feel," or "Because I want," then stop, and start thinking about what will honor, glorify, or reflect God.
I am convinced that when you stop and consider these things, God will lay on your heart what is right. The problem is, people don't want to believe that God would tell them to not do something that they want to do. I am convinced that doing it this way is the right thing. How often do you think we hear our own voice rather than the voice of God? Just a thought.
But I digress. I press on in the struggle to do what is right and to trust God. I have a couple weeks coming up where I must travel for school and, God willing, for the sake of blessing my loved ones. I have a financial commitment to the school I attend. I have bills to pay. I have homework to keep up on. I have relationships to build and relationships to maintain. I have a mission to undertake. How I will do these things, I do not know. But I strive to cling to my Lord and seek His wisdom, peace, joy, and thankfulness, and I am confident that things we be fulfilled in their appropriate time.
The love of Christ is for all! "We love because He first loved us," and "...because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions." Know that the Lord who created all and is above all, the One who saves us from our bondage, loves you. I pray that you will rest in the comfort of His love. I pray that more than anything in the whole world, that your life will be a living testimony of the love that He has given you. May the Holy Spirit fill you and dwell closely within you, and may the glory of God shine through you. Do not be led astray by the lies of the world we live in, but be comforted by the promises of life through He that makes life possible! Let us deny ourselves, pick up our crosses, and follow the Teacher in all His ways. May the road we walk lead away from death and into life! This is my charge to you.
Keep me in your prayers, that I may grow in faith and virtue and love, and that I will be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can be a living sign of His glory. Let the Holy Spirit work within you. Answer the call when the Lord speaks to you. May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace. I send my love and my regards.
-J
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