Blessings and Curses

Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your patience for this blog, and thank you for being a faithful reader. I apologize for the delay on this post. I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits, and that after reading this you will come to a place of worship to the Lord our God, for who He is and what He has done.

The tardiness of this post will hint as to the current state of my daily life at this point. I had an extremely busy week this past week, culminating in the reading of a 350 page book and a subsequent book review. I actually think I turned in the worst paper of my entire existence, so in hindsight, I probably could have typed out an extensive blog and still done just as well. I suppose I cannot say this for sure, as I have not gotten my paper back yet, but I am not excited to get it! That was not the only thing on the list, so you can imagine how the week went. But I will spare you that discussion. Instead, I will go back a few weeks.

Since the last time I posted, quite a lot has happened. I am unsure of where to even start!

Every time I post a blog, I ask for prayers for multiple things, not the least of which is God's provision as I attend school. Amazingly, I had some substantial gifts come in, all within a matter of days and seemingly one right after the other. I was taken completely by surprise, and I know it was God's love and grace in the lives of others that they willingly, cheerfully, and sacrificially poured into me. Never before has the Lord humbled me so much. I am thankful to those for their generosity and grace, but ultimately I thank the Lord because of His love. I am challenged even further now to continue in the work that has been set in front of me, and to follow the call which I have surrendered my life for. I ask that as I move forward to more uncertainties and more possibilities that I will continue to be faithful as God is faithful, and that I will have peace in His provision. I pray for especially those who have sacrificed much for me that their lives will be abundantly blessed, many times more than what they have done for me. I pray that God will sustain them and will use them even more in other's lives than they already have in mine.

Kendra's birthday was on the 19th, and I got the opportunity to travel to Manteca and then with her mom and step-dad to the L.A. area because she had soccer games on that day and the day before. We wanted to be able to spend time with her on her birthday, so we made the trip. It was great to see her for her birthday. They lost their soccer game, but they fought hard. I am proud that she works hard and gives her all whether she plays a few minutes or many minutes. It brings me joy to watch her play. I know nothing about soccer, but she's my favorite player ever! Oh, on that note, today (the 3rd) was our one year anniversary of dating. We went to church, spent many hours at Starbucks doing homework, had a great dinner at Olive Garden (which, I must admit, she picked the tab up for... yeah shut up) and then we did more homework back at school. Yeah, sounds like your typical college-attending couple! But it has been a great year, yes we have our ups and downs, but every day I am more and more happy with her.

School has been going well, other than the previously mentioned stress week. I have been doing pretty well in all my other classes, and I haven't bombed anything to this point. One of the coolest things was getting my Old Testament exam back, where I scored a 98%. Yeah, talk about feeling good! Hey, if anyone wants me to list all the countries of Europe, or maybe South America, or perhaps the geographical features of North America, I can do that! Yes, I think out of all my classes I have learned the most material in Geography. It is quite a bit of information, and we are in the middle of the most difficult section- Africa. By this week, I need to be able to name and place all the countries.

The most interesting class I have- and by far my favorite (other than the book review I had to write)- is my Civil War & Reconstruction class. We actually have spent relatively little time on the actual war. We spent a few weeks leading to the actual war, and each of us had to present different battles for a grade, and then we have spent the last two weeks talking specifically about Abraham Lincoln. The book review we wrote was on a book that was written by Eric Foner, and it's called The Fiery Trial, and it is all about Lincoln's life, specifically focusing on his interactions with slavery. The class and everything that we have done in it has vastly expanded my mind. Interestingly, the crossroads that the United States was at before the Civil war is strikingly similar to the crossroads we are at today, with different specifics. Oddly enough, after reading many different things, I cannot look at how I feel about today's America and still condemn the Old South for wanting to secede from the Union (I am in no way saying that slavery was okay). Also, Abraham Lincoln was a master of words. As I get to know him through his writings and dealings, I begin to think of him as a master politician. In a lot of ways I think that President Obama is trying to be like Lincoln. The only difference is... he's not. Haha. Oh for our class on the 18th I had to dress up as an Abolitionist from the 19th century. That was pretty interesting... haha. I'm sure there's pictures on facebook somewhere.

So, lately there have been a number of thoughts on my mind. At one time in my life I had thought that if you ever had doubts or questions in your mind that it meant you weren't a "good Christian." I had thought that if you ever looked at your life and wondered if you're doing the right thing that it meant your faith was weak. Now? I'm starting to think it is actually the opposite. I look around and I see so many people who profess to be Christians, and they walk as if everything is okay all the time. People hear things about God and nod their head. They love when their favorite worship song is sung at church. Only when the worship music isn't their style, or when the pastor says something that was a little too radical, or when the person in the row behind us keeps coughing, or when that singer up there is a little pitchy in their voice do many ever find that something is wrong. You know, I dislike when someone asks me how I liked the worship. Um... excuse me? Are you asking me if I worshiped, or are you asking me if the style was the most important thing to me? I will go another step. What about when a song comes on that everyone knows? Many throw their arms up in the air, people squeeze their eyes shut, many shout their song as if the louder they sing the more likely God is to hear. Yet, when the next song comes, one that is much less known, everything changes. Or when you are in the middle of worship time and the person next to you is talking to you and you are giggling about things and making noise, and then you turn from that and all of a sudden you are all "high on the spirit."

You know what I am thinking during worship? Whether or not I am worthy to even say the words on the screen. I think if it is really what I believe or if it really is how I live. If a song's lyrics say "I want more of you God" or "Lead me to the cross" or "I'm alive to live for you," is that really what we are asking for or desiring? Do we really know what it is we are saying? We love those songs that say "He loves us" or "Raise a shout to let all the world know that Jesus saves." But there are times where I am struck during church/chapel and I have to be silent and come before God and ask myself if I really mean what I sing. When I am convicted it is one of the most gut-wrenching feelings. How can I declare with song that I am following God if days go by without putting Him first? How can I be so hot on one song that speaks truth and be so cold during another song that speaks of the same truth? That is such a hard place to be in. What about standing during worship, or raising your hands? One of my least favorite things is when the first person stands up, because everyone will follow suit afterwards. Some were planning on doing it anyway, some wanted to wait til someone else to stand up so that they wouldn't look out of place or, God forbid, look like they are too crazy for God. On the flip side, some only do it because they don't want to be the only ones sitting. I do believe that plenty of people out there do things legitimately, out of true reverence for God. Yet, I often feel that I am the only one who thinks of such things. I don't want to come before God and just sing. I want to worship, in complete reverence.

Another thing that has been on my heart is missions. Lately I have had a deep internal struggle, because I have tried to make sense of the things I have been involved in compared to what I see when I read the book of Acts. Let me explain. In Acts, you never see the Apostles speak without an action, and you never see them act without speaking as well. I have looked back on any of the so-called "missions" that I have been part of and realized something- if I did not make clear the reason I am doing anything (because of God), then how am I any different from the peace corps or any other person that volunteers? Plenty of people out in the world do kind things for others and aren't doing them in the name of Christ. Yes, I know that Bible says that "they will know you are my disciples by how you love each other," but let's remember that this was said to people who were already following Jesus. Our love for each other (those who are in the family of Christ) is supposed to make people want to be part of that family. But we do not get to say that because we "love" other people that are not part of Christ's family that it means they know who Jesus is. If we really "love" other people, why would we not scream it at people?! If we love someone, why would we want them to have to face the full wrath of God and face eternal judgment apart from God? In that light, we should want to tell everyone before we do anything else, right? Instead, we have people eagerly listening to the words of that old Saint that says "Preach the Gospel, and if you have to, use words." There is no other statement circulating around the Christian community that angers me more than that. Where in the Bible does it say that? I don't see it.

Now let me clarify: I am not saying we all have to be super evangelists and hit the street corners at this exact moment, but what I am saying is that how can we just assume that since we are doing nice things that it reprieves us from having to share the gospel with words? Another thing that bothers me is when people talk about a missions trip "changing their life," or that it was a "great experience." When I hear those things, I wonder, So who exactly was that missions trip for? Now, I totally believe that when we surrender to God and take steps of faith that He works in us, shows us things, and lets us have great joy during the process. But, when OUR experience is the focal point of the conversation, or when our FUN is the most talked about thing, then what was the point? The hardest question to ask is this:

What in my life has changed?

If your life still looks the same, if you still fall to the same things, if you still behave the same ways, if you still do everything the same, then has your life really changed? I'm not saying that you come leave disliking Chinese food and then come back wanting nothing other than that. I'm talking about straight honest to God change. Where you understand the need for Christ in the world and the way you behave and interact with those at home changes accordingly. Stuff like that. This has been tough for me. As much as I can point to any organization or any group or any person or event that takes place, I look first at myself and wonder, Have I totally missed the boat? I don't think it is guilt that is pushing me. I truly believe it is the Holy Spirit stirring me, and I am finally listening. If I really believe that Jesus is Lord, and I really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and if I really love others, then I will do my best to preach the gospel, and I will do my best to lead people toward Christ. And I will not just speak words, but they will be with actions behind them, not because it will earn me salvation, but because I desire to give my life as a ransom for the work of Jesus. I am done with the excuses. In fact, I am without excuse now.

So these are the things I have been thinking of. I ask that you all continue to pray for me in my situation with school, that God will provide what I need, and that I will be in complete surrender to Him. Please pray for clarity and peace in my heart and mind, that I may hear God and be able to discern the road ahead. Please pray that I will not be bitter and in contempt of the world, but that by the love that God has shown me I will strive to pour that same love out into the world, both here and abroad. Please pray that God will glorify Himself in me, and that through His action in my life people will come to know Him and come to worship Him.

I thank you all for your time in reading this. May the God who is in control of all things show you favor. May He fill you with his peace. May he shower you in the riches of His love and grace.

With love,

J