Hello my friends,
I am sorry that I did not post at the beginning of this month, and that I am late on the mid-month post as well. It is amazing how the things in our lives can become easily forgettable, or even de-prioritized. I think I just made up a new word. Anyways, I sincerely apologize, for I know that many of you read these and I realize that it is my duty and my joy to report to those that have sent me out.
For all of us have to carry on the work that Christ has for us. In some cases, that means staying where we are at, faithfully serving within the body we call home. To others, that means walking in obedience to the places which God has allowed us. In all cases, there is no more noble task than another. No missionary can say that they have contributed more than the usher at home, if each is giving his or her all in the name of Christ and in His power. No part of the body is more important than the others, as Paul said. Just because a toe is the furthest point away from the heart does not mean that it is less important, and just because the hand does the work does not make the arm that stretched it out less important.
This is why I feel it necessary to report back to you. For even though my task at hand seems common, worldly, and self-serving, it is still only made possible through God. By His guidance I am working toward an education to be a teacher so that I may share Christ's love with students. By His power I have strength in my mind and in my body to complete the work that is in front of me. By His provision I have been given the opportunity, the community of support, and the means to make this endeavor possible. By His love and grace, I have been saved and have been given the opportunity to do all of this. Further, we all have been charged by God with the same commands: Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself, and go and make disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that Jesus commanded. As I pursue this educational endeavor, I am still obligated to abide by these commands. Finally, the Church body has sent me out and have invested in me, supporting me prayerfully and financially. Therefore, to the church family that has sent me out on this journey I owe my account.
As I write this, I lie on my bed having just finished my classes for the day and also having done my daily Bible study. I remembered that I had not written in a long time, so I felt it best that I do so, so that I may use my time wisely. The last month has been a steady stream of school work, working out, miscellaneous activity, and challenges. Also, I have contemplated many things that have bothered me, which I will save to write about until the very end. Don't worry, I will note when I change toward these subjects, as they will be lengthy in detail. This way, any who do not wish to read into those things can simply click off and move on.
To begin, school is going well. I have maintained a good pace on my work, and I have continued to stay a few days ahead of my schedule, allowing me to have extended periods of time where I do not have to worry about doing homework. It has been nice to have some relaxing time. These times have allowed me to connect better with my roommates and given me time to be able to work out and practice piano. Oh yes, I don't think I have mentioned this, this semester I discovered (via friends) that the Music Dept piano rooms are open daily (unless somebody has them reserved). Knowing this, I try at least a few times per week to tickle the ivory and ebony. Some friends have discovered that I played piano, so I am going to be using that skill in at least one event this semester, perhaps more. On the subject of working out, I usually do it three times per week (lifting) and recently began running once per week with some members from my missions team. Working out, to me, is now more about taking care of my body than it is about being stronger or looking good. I have missed Saturday workouts two weeks in a row (accidentally) and I did not run today or last week. Luckily, I am motivated to be a steward of the body I reside in, so getting back on the horse won't be too difficult.
Speaking of missions, my team has met four times since the last time I updated. It has been a wonderful experience for me. My team is really awesome, I cannot say enough how pleased I am to know each of them and how awesome God is for creating each of them with their skills and talents. We have seen our share of God working in some really cool ways financially. One girl went from 6% funding to over 50% funding in a matter of days! During one of our meetings, our stateside contact came and met with us, teaching us about the ministry where we are going and giving us helpful tips and inside information. In another meeting, I gave my testimony (only the second or third time doing so in full), and we have been hearing different testimonies every week. It is awesome to see the different ways in which God has called each of us into His presence. Some roads have been bumpy, some have been more smooth, but the important thing is that each of us now shares in the grace that God has freely given to all.
As part of our missions training, we are participating in what is called "The Challenge." In this challenge, we are spending 21 days fasting from different things, such as shoes, running water, and cell phones. Honestly, while I understood the idea of the challenge, I was not much in favor or excited about doing it. Much of the direction and instruction is vague, and different people have communicated different things about it. Some said it can be what you make it, others say to do what our booklet says. Still more say to go to the extreme, while others say it is simply an idea that you can participate if you want but you do not have to. I had my own disagreements with it, including the manner in which we fasted and in the mentality behind it. However, after speaking to my dad of my concerns, he encouraged me to have an open mind and an open heart, to participate in what the challenge said to do, and to journal through the process. We are nearing the end of this challenge, with our 30 hour fast from all food this weekend, starting tomorrow. After this, in my next post, I will share some of my thoughts and experiences. For now, I continue to see where God leads my heart in this.
My car has been running funny, and a little over a week ago I began trying to diagnose and repair the problem. It is still in progress, and has been quite frustrating at times, but I know it will get worked out eventually. Part of the issue is money; I just can't make some of the repairs until I get some funds in. Luckily, I have a tax return that will be making its way to me in the coming weeks, so I will probably finish it then. In addition to this headache, doing my aforementioned taxes was a painstaking process, mostly because my w-2s were not going to be sent to where I am now, but were instead sent to places I used to live. I had to wait a bit for some to get mailed to me (thank you Mathew's family) and another I had to wait for because of mis-communications and incompetence. Yes, I really said that. Anyways, the tax return is going to be very helpful in paying for school, so having to delay it for so long was a little irritating. Most of my return will go toward my school payments, and after those are applied, I will almost have my semester paid off. Please pray that I get my car running soon and that God will continue to provide as He has for the financial matters.
Last weekend, I was able to see Calvary's Dinner Theater. I was so happy to see them do such a great job. It was bittersweet: bitter because I was not there through the process and able to be part of their lives, but sweet because of the joy it brought to my heart to see how so many have grown. It was an honor to contribute the very small amount that I did. I want to shout out to all of the students and staff: You did an amazing job and I am so proud of all of you! Now that you have done these things, continue to serve each other and love each other and work hard so that God's love may be on display in you at all times!
I have drawn near to the end of one of my recent goals: to read the Bible cover to cover. I just finished through Jude today, and in the coming days I will read Revelation, completing the goal I set before myself in September. It has been a great experience, and being able to read the whole scope of biblical events has been awesome. Once I am done, I will begin to go through scripture in ways different than I ever have. I want to use Bible commentaries, dictionaries, multiple translations, and I will go thought by thought, journaling through each section. By this I am hoping that I may grow to an even deeper understanding of who God is and what He is saying. Please pray that as I do this that I will put into practice everything I learn, that I will not be just someone to listens to the Word, but that I will do what it says.
I have been thinking about what kinds of things I can do around Simpson to use my gifts and to help lead and teach others. Some might say that in order to be a leader you have to have a position, or that you have to move upwards, or that you have to be a certain kind of person or have a certain calling. But I believe that God calls all of us to lead in different ways. All of us are to use what God has given us to lead others to Him and to a closer relationship with Jesus. One of my ideas I am coming to call "Secret Church." Yes, I am aware that things like this have been done before, but my goal is to have it be an unscheduled, unsanctioned, raw, real time of prayer, worship, and devotion. I am still thinking through details. Pray that whatever God leads me to will be fruitful and will be all for His glory, and that the body may be edified and encouraged and strengthened.
So now ends the main things I wanted to say. What follows will be some thoughts I have gathered over the last few weeks/months that I am now putting into words. If some of you should sign off now, I want to say thank you for reading and for praying with me and supporting me. For those who are sticking around, buckle up. You have been warned.
_________________________
Is anybody tired of cliche verses? Is anybody tired of people taking scripture out of context so that they can feel better about themselves or about what they have been doing? Is anyone tired of people using verses to justify their inaction or reaction?
I am.
Take Jeremiah 29:11 for example.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (NIV)
I understand. I get it. God has plans for us. God is our hope. It is true that these words teach us something. People parade this verse around all the time, including very close friends of mine. They are good, comforting words. But guess what? We're in America! Have we been exiled? Have we been marginalized, stripped naked, and starved? Let us remember that Jeremiah was a prophet speaking to the people of Judah, who were going to fall to the Babylonians, have their city and temple burned to the ground, and be scattered and led away to other places. Why? Because they disobeyed God! God gave them plenty of chances to repent and they didn't. So here was God, allowing them into probably the worst possible thing outside of death that could happen to them. I cannot imagine being an Israelite in this time. But God had it in His plan of redemption to secure a remnant of people to bring back to the land, because in His time he would bring about the redemption of God's people (we now know this to mean Jesus). His words through Jeremiah are that even though He is allowing them to go through this terrible time, He would not forget them and that it was for their good, so that He may reshape their hearts and winnow out the wickedness of Israel. So, now tell me, do you think anyone who parades that verse today intends on going into exile, stripped down and hungry? None of us are even close to anything of that sort. Instead, we use the verse to tell ourselves that obviously God has great plans for us to prosper and give us a future, and so we get this expectation that we will achieve prosperity, though I would argue most of us think of prosperity in worldly terms. We think it means we will get that job and get that income and that house, car, and comfort. But this is not what God was saying to Israel. He was using the exile for their good. I would suppose that the irritation I have here applies for those who use this verse as their hope for achieving worldly success. Perhaps if people would realize what was happening here and got some perspective, then this verse could be even greater for them, not as a way of assuring themselves of prosperity, but as a way of knowing that through the darkness of trials and tribulations that God still uses those things for their good. I think a better verse to use in this case is Romans 8:28. The context is more suitable and the meaning is far more accurate to the point.
Guess what, here comes another verse! Philippians 4:13:
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (NIV)
Some translations say "all things" instead of "all this." Even so, this again is out of context. We know that our strength comes ultimately from God, and that God does not fail. But using this verse as an anthem to believe that you can do everything you want to do is inaccurate. So, you're saying that if I am on a wrestling team and there is a guy who is a better wrestler and more in shape than I am, that as long as I believe Christ gives me strength (and maybe if I say this verse before I go up), that I will win? Or that if I believe Christ gives me strength then it means I can go into a test and get a good grade even if I didn't study or do my homework or work very hard? Sure, these are extreme examples, but the point remains the same. Even if you would rather use the words "All things," all things don't always fall into God's plan or will. Remember what Paul is talking about in all of Philippians (about being in chains, having humility, considering everything garbage in comparison to Christ, to summarize the first three chapters) and then especially in chapter 4. He talks about rejoicing in God and about our thoughts being focused on Christ. Then comes talking about learning to be content in all circumstances. Whether well fed or hungry, whether having plenty or being in want, Paul has learned to be content because of the strength of Christ. Paul wasn't saying that he could do any act in the world because of the strength of Christ, though that surely is possible with God, but instead was saying that even if he had nothing he would be okay and that it was abiding in Christ that made it possible. If people want to talk about God's strength overcoming their weakness, a better verse to use would be 2 Corinthians 12:9. In that verse, Paul talks about his weakness and God's grace.
In both cases, I just have a hard time when people use these verses out of context in communicating them to others, or even themselves. I take it seriously because I want people to be careful to not distort the word of God just to make it more friendly and so set people on a path to destruction or frustration. Do not put stumbling blocks in front of people. What I have endeavored here was to try to help some understand the context of the verses. By this understanding, I think the verses become that much more powerful. The point is part of a greater goal of reminding people that there is more to God's word than these "memory verses." God's word is to be taken as a whole, or not at all. But the best part is knowing the whole makes it so much better. I hope that I have communicated clearly what is in my heart, and I am not ashamed or afraid to defend that which I believe. There is much more that I could have said to clarify and elaborate, but it would take pages and pages which nobody wants to read here.
thanks again for reading. Please pray that I will keep my heart open to God and that He may speak to all of us of His truth and His love. Keep me in your prayers, that I may honor God in word and deed and that I may have the grace to pursue Christ-likeness in this season of my life. Thank you all.
With love,
-J
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The Whirlwind of Life
Hello everyone!
-J
Thank you for tuning in here, I appreciate the time you spend reading this, and I hope that when you read, you are challenged and encouraged.
What do you know, today I am actually updating my blog exactly on the day I usually want to do it! I apologize for not being on schedule much until now. Today I find myself with a rather large amount of time to kill; I don't have really any homework (none due tomorrow at least) and Kendra is pretty busy today. Since the last time I wrote, I came back to school and have been back at classes for a little over a week.
I enjoyed the last few days in Manteca. It felt just as hard to leave again, even though I had only been back a short time. Spending time with the Youth students, being involved in Calvary's service and worship team, hanging out with friends, etc., were all things that were very refreshing, but also reminded me of what I have not yet established up here in Redding. I know that nothing will be the same, and I do not believe I should try to make things exactly the same. But, it is still pretty hard to leave your home. But, I am encouraged and ready to tackle this semester. I know that being here is right, even as I feel the pain of separation from family and friends. I know that whether I am in Manteca leading worship or in Redding writing a paper that the love of God remains the same, and that whether I am surrounded by friends and loved ones or tucked away alone in my dorm room that God's presence remains the same. I am beginning to better understand what Paul really meant when he wrote in Philippians that he "learned to be content in all circumstances." The point was that Paul was focused completely on who God was and on the grace that He pours out, and that helped him to keep his mind on heavenly things, and to not focus on what he lacked, but on what God had abundantly given him, and he was able to do that through Christ, who gave him strength. I, and many people out there, often misunderstand and misuse that verse in scripture. We tend to use it as a way to tell ourselves that whatever we set our minds to can be done because God gives us strength. Really, though, Paul was emphasizing that even in times where he could do nothing, or when he had nothing, he was content, because God helped him to be content. Looking at the verse that way doesn't change how valuable it is; rather, it helps us to keep ourselves in perspective. God doesn't answer to us and the things we wish to do for Him, He invites us to enjoy in the grace and peace that He offers to us for the journey ahead.
This mindset has helped me a lot. My dad has talked with me a lot in the last few weeks, including the Christmas break, and I have benefited much from it. I greatly appreciate the time and wisdom my dad pours into me. He has helped me to better understand many of these things, and with it I have become more at peace with my situations financially, mentally, spiritually, and academically. I no longer am worried about how I will pay for school. I still need a lot of help, and I need a lot of things to work out, but I am not prideful and I am not worried. And I am not ashamed to admit that I am weak and cannot help myself. I am confident that God will work things for the good, and that His power is made perfect in weakness. I ask that you continue to pray with me in this, that I may continue to press on toward what God has, resting in His grace. The last few weeks have been quite transforming in this respect. I am excited to be where I am, and I am excited to see where God takes me in this. I definitely feel my heart being changed, softened, and molded.
As I began class, I had 16 units registered, and it figured to be a big semester of reading. So, for a change of pace, I filed paperwork and added a seventh class, giving myself 19 units. The class I added? Political History of Europe through Film. One day per week, three hours per day. All we do is watch movies and write reviews on it, followed by a research paper later in the semester. It actually works out well, as I will be able to dock off another class necessary for next year, meaning that for my senior year of college, I will only need 12 units per semester! This leaves me many possibilities. The first, and most desirable, is that I may try to get all my credentialing classes finished alongside my undergrad, then I will only have to worry about student-teaching when I get out of Simpson. That puts me at least a half a year closer to my long term goal of Graduating college and getting a Teaching Credential. I am very excited about this. Nothing is certain yet, but I know that God is in charge, and He will direct things to their proper course in accordance to His will. Please be in prayer with me about this!
I wrote on facebook the other day that I had made it through the Old testament portion of the Bible in order and that I am working on the New Testament. I am currently into Luke, so at this rate, I think I will finish the New Testament as early as the first week of February. That'll be pretty exciting. I have also separately been reading Philippians for my missions team and John for a weekly bible study with Kendra and her roommate, Marijke. So I am a busy bible reader! Oh yeah, and I have to read the Bible for my Bible classes. Haha.
Speaking of my missions team, I am sending out update letters, but I am currently having a struggle getting a hold of envelopes and stamps to send them out, so they are being delayed a bit, so I apologize. I am doing well in that, we have started weekly meetings this semester, and I am glad to be getting to know my teammates. We are sharing testimonies and working on fundraising opportunities. If you want to give and you haven't been able to, haven't had the chance, or didn't know about it, here's the link:
We still are a work in progress, but I think everyone is until the day of completion. Specifically, we are praying that God will provide for everyone to go, and that God will prepare not only our hearts but also the hearts of those we will come into contact with.
Brandon and Thomas drove up to visit, and it was great to have them! They actually spent more time traveling than they spent with me, so I felt bad about that, cause its a tough day trip to make. But I was thankful for the time they took out to spend with me. It really meant a lot. Now to get Brandon to attend Simpson like he was thinking about...
As the semester has just started, I have not really been doing much so there isn't as much to report on for now. Interestingly, in comparison to the last time I updated this blog, my mind is definitely more at rest. I 100% believe that it is because of God's presence in my life, and I have focused much more on the grace that He gives freely. Please pray that I maintain this course, and that this attitude carries over into my academics, missions, and every other area of life. Also pray that I am patient with those around me, and that I am always striving to help people find and glorify God. I love you all, I hope to see you and talk to you soon.
May God bless you and keep you, and may He make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you, and give you peace.
In Christ's love,
-J
Friday, January 3, 2014
Where we ought not go
Hello everyone, I thank you for reading this, and I apologize for being a bit late on this. I pray that this blog post finds you well and filled with joy and peace.
Tonight, I sit in the living room of a friend's house that I am house sitting at (sort of). I have had ample time to sit and reflect on the previous few weeks, and I have done my best to relax from the rigors of the previous semester. The Christmas break has seen a bit of adventure, a lot of awesome workings by God, tremendous opportunities, traditions, and a lot of friends. When I returned home for Winter break on December 12, my mind was filled with many questions, the likes of which still have not fully been answered. I wrote before of my struggle and of the way in which I challenged God and myself, and at how God was already beginning to respond to me. Throughout the break, I have learned to be content with what has been in front of me, and to take things one step at a time, and that there is a time for everything, for mourning, for joy, for anger and for laughter. God has been working in some really cool ways, and in other ways He has been ever silent. As I sit and reflect on these past weeks, I hold a sense of peace yet also I feel the anxiety of another semester creeping within.
I always knew this would be the toughest year of the two I would spend at Simpson. So much uncertainty about money, work, etc., and not a lot of wiggling room to spare. I thought that the first semester would be the tougher one, since I was unsure of which Justin would show up to school, in an academic sense. I was unsure of how I would adjust to living in a dorm away from where I wanted to be. Turns out, I didn't fare so badly. I stayed on top of my homework, and I only missed a few classes (due to a wedding, and one due to sickness). As a result, in my six classes, I got all A's and an A- for a semester GPA of 3.982. Haha, that darn A- grade. Anyways, the thing I feared most has ended up not being the worst thing I've dealt with. I am confident that I will carry on my grades to the next semester. So, instead of academics being a primary concern, it is actually how I will pay for it. The first semester was full of blessings as many people and circumstances came through by God to pay the semester. I knew that I would have to go payment by payment for this Spring 2014 semester. Under normal circumstances, Semester payments are due in full on the 15th of the month before the semester begins. I was unsure of this until recently. Long story short, I made a call telling the school I would not be able to make the first of four monthly installments on time on Dec. 15. Truth is, I still haven't made the payment, and now we are into January, with another installment just thirteen days away. With classes resuming on the 7th, there is no way I will get around this one. Somehow, nobody has called me, nobody has emailed me. Nobody representing the school has come after me for the money. This has to be some sort of act of God's favor, cause when money is involved, there is always someone eager to collect. Too bad I couldn't hold off til the end of the semester. If only I could get through this semester, I would be okay. I know it. I am confident that I will be able to make it next year. I have to. Getting there is the issue. Pray that God will provide.
And here's the flip side of this: I am trying to go on this missions trip still? As of late, many have contributed, and I am so grateful for that. God has used His people to provide for that, and so it is funny how I remain nervous about not having what I need. I suppose I wonder if I am doing the right thing because I am having such trouble paying for school, how could I just try to do something like this? My dad began using a phrase when talking to me, which he found in some book that goes something like this:
"Don't forget in the darkness what you have seen in the light."
It is a funny thing that people do, that I do. If you put a piece of paper down on a table and turn the light off, you can rest assured that when you turn that light back on, the paper will still be there. In the same way, when God speaks to you and shows you something, you can be darn sure that what He said and showed you is still true when He is silent. When you are presented with two paths and one is lighted and the other is dark, why would you venture into the darkness? Why would you go where you shouldn't? Yet, this is who we are... this is who I am. We are reckless, persistent, stubborn human beings. It is our God complex. One of the greatest things about this break has been that I have not had to think about any of the problems of the future. But, as I reflect, I realize that in my eagerness to not think about things, I have not actually grown or learned. I am ashamed to say that. But I seek God's grace and love in this, and I pray that I may know more the love which covers all things. Please pray that I will become more aware of God's love in my life.
I have been fighting sickness the last few weeks, but I think it is finally going away. It has been a rough go for myself and for many others as well. Nothing was worse than the week of finals, which I believe I described in my previous entry. Still, it was tough to get through all the gross feeling. Hopefully it will be a long time before I get sick again. Please pray for my health and for strength and endurance for the next few months.
I had the awesome opportunity to co-lead worship at Calvary this past Sunday, and I will do so again this Sunday. It is encouraging and such a privilege to do such a thing with my church family, and it is also encouraging to hear positive things and that God uses me. I am excited for this Sunday, and I hope that the praises to God will overflow from our congregation, this time by music. It is a privilege to be able to give myself, give what I have, to the body. One of the hardest things about being away was that with no money and no resources, I have not much to give, and so I have taken a lot of value in being able to give what I do have: time, knowledge, wisdom, music. Thanks be to God, for the grace to be able to do this.
Now, the holidays were excellent. I got to spend a week in Arizona with my parents before returning with them to Manteca, where we got to spend another five days together. We got to have a great Christmas celebration with friends and with each other. It is interesting, as the years go by, how much more I enjoy and cherish these holidays, as chaotic and disorderly as they may be. I get pretty stressed around Christmas time because I have an irrational resentment of gifts, materialism, and things of the like, but I was able to get past that. I painted a number of pictures for my family as gifts, I had a lot of fun doing it, so I guess that is what matters. For New Years, I got to spend it with the Youth at Calvary, as I have the previous years. I ran sound for the bands that we had play, and they did great! I was impressed by the high school band, they really did an excellent job for a bunch of young guys! I was super proud of them, I had each of them in my discipleship group at one point or another.
For once in a great while, I am short of words to say. Much else is on my mind, but I have not been able to organize my thoughts enough to be able to write them down. I hope you will forgive me for that. I wanted to take a minute and thank those who have given to my trip and chose to remain anonymous. I am unable to thank you personally if I don't know who you are. But that is okay, just know that I am grateful and that you are just as much a part of my trip as I am.
Please continue to pray for me as I continue with school and life. Anything and everything helps. Also, I know I have mentioned this before, but I would really love to get some hand written letters from people! Ha, I guess this looks like a desperate plea, and it may be. It is nice to know that people care. Don't be afraid to send me a letter! I'd love it, actually. I'll put my school address here since I don't know who does and doesn't have it:
Justin Thomason #714
2211 College View Dr.
Redding, CA 96003
I pray that God will bless you abundantly, and that you will respond with obedience to whatever He may call you to. I pray for the joy of His love to overflow from you and for grace to abound in your lives. Thank you for your support, your prayer, and your love.
I promise to write more next time.
-J
Tonight, I sit in the living room of a friend's house that I am house sitting at (sort of). I have had ample time to sit and reflect on the previous few weeks, and I have done my best to relax from the rigors of the previous semester. The Christmas break has seen a bit of adventure, a lot of awesome workings by God, tremendous opportunities, traditions, and a lot of friends. When I returned home for Winter break on December 12, my mind was filled with many questions, the likes of which still have not fully been answered. I wrote before of my struggle and of the way in which I challenged God and myself, and at how God was already beginning to respond to me. Throughout the break, I have learned to be content with what has been in front of me, and to take things one step at a time, and that there is a time for everything, for mourning, for joy, for anger and for laughter. God has been working in some really cool ways, and in other ways He has been ever silent. As I sit and reflect on these past weeks, I hold a sense of peace yet also I feel the anxiety of another semester creeping within.
I always knew this would be the toughest year of the two I would spend at Simpson. So much uncertainty about money, work, etc., and not a lot of wiggling room to spare. I thought that the first semester would be the tougher one, since I was unsure of which Justin would show up to school, in an academic sense. I was unsure of how I would adjust to living in a dorm away from where I wanted to be. Turns out, I didn't fare so badly. I stayed on top of my homework, and I only missed a few classes (due to a wedding, and one due to sickness). As a result, in my six classes, I got all A's and an A- for a semester GPA of 3.982. Haha, that darn A- grade. Anyways, the thing I feared most has ended up not being the worst thing I've dealt with. I am confident that I will carry on my grades to the next semester. So, instead of academics being a primary concern, it is actually how I will pay for it. The first semester was full of blessings as many people and circumstances came through by God to pay the semester. I knew that I would have to go payment by payment for this Spring 2014 semester. Under normal circumstances, Semester payments are due in full on the 15th of the month before the semester begins. I was unsure of this until recently. Long story short, I made a call telling the school I would not be able to make the first of four monthly installments on time on Dec. 15. Truth is, I still haven't made the payment, and now we are into January, with another installment just thirteen days away. With classes resuming on the 7th, there is no way I will get around this one. Somehow, nobody has called me, nobody has emailed me. Nobody representing the school has come after me for the money. This has to be some sort of act of God's favor, cause when money is involved, there is always someone eager to collect. Too bad I couldn't hold off til the end of the semester. If only I could get through this semester, I would be okay. I know it. I am confident that I will be able to make it next year. I have to. Getting there is the issue. Pray that God will provide.
And here's the flip side of this: I am trying to go on this missions trip still? As of late, many have contributed, and I am so grateful for that. God has used His people to provide for that, and so it is funny how I remain nervous about not having what I need. I suppose I wonder if I am doing the right thing because I am having such trouble paying for school, how could I just try to do something like this? My dad began using a phrase when talking to me, which he found in some book that goes something like this:
"Don't forget in the darkness what you have seen in the light."
It is a funny thing that people do, that I do. If you put a piece of paper down on a table and turn the light off, you can rest assured that when you turn that light back on, the paper will still be there. In the same way, when God speaks to you and shows you something, you can be darn sure that what He said and showed you is still true when He is silent. When you are presented with two paths and one is lighted and the other is dark, why would you venture into the darkness? Why would you go where you shouldn't? Yet, this is who we are... this is who I am. We are reckless, persistent, stubborn human beings. It is our God complex. One of the greatest things about this break has been that I have not had to think about any of the problems of the future. But, as I reflect, I realize that in my eagerness to not think about things, I have not actually grown or learned. I am ashamed to say that. But I seek God's grace and love in this, and I pray that I may know more the love which covers all things. Please pray that I will become more aware of God's love in my life.
I have been fighting sickness the last few weeks, but I think it is finally going away. It has been a rough go for myself and for many others as well. Nothing was worse than the week of finals, which I believe I described in my previous entry. Still, it was tough to get through all the gross feeling. Hopefully it will be a long time before I get sick again. Please pray for my health and for strength and endurance for the next few months.
I had the awesome opportunity to co-lead worship at Calvary this past Sunday, and I will do so again this Sunday. It is encouraging and such a privilege to do such a thing with my church family, and it is also encouraging to hear positive things and that God uses me. I am excited for this Sunday, and I hope that the praises to God will overflow from our congregation, this time by music. It is a privilege to be able to give myself, give what I have, to the body. One of the hardest things about being away was that with no money and no resources, I have not much to give, and so I have taken a lot of value in being able to give what I do have: time, knowledge, wisdom, music. Thanks be to God, for the grace to be able to do this.
Now, the holidays were excellent. I got to spend a week in Arizona with my parents before returning with them to Manteca, where we got to spend another five days together. We got to have a great Christmas celebration with friends and with each other. It is interesting, as the years go by, how much more I enjoy and cherish these holidays, as chaotic and disorderly as they may be. I get pretty stressed around Christmas time because I have an irrational resentment of gifts, materialism, and things of the like, but I was able to get past that. I painted a number of pictures for my family as gifts, I had a lot of fun doing it, so I guess that is what matters. For New Years, I got to spend it with the Youth at Calvary, as I have the previous years. I ran sound for the bands that we had play, and they did great! I was impressed by the high school band, they really did an excellent job for a bunch of young guys! I was super proud of them, I had each of them in my discipleship group at one point or another.
For once in a great while, I am short of words to say. Much else is on my mind, but I have not been able to organize my thoughts enough to be able to write them down. I hope you will forgive me for that. I wanted to take a minute and thank those who have given to my trip and chose to remain anonymous. I am unable to thank you personally if I don't know who you are. But that is okay, just know that I am grateful and that you are just as much a part of my trip as I am.
Please continue to pray for me as I continue with school and life. Anything and everything helps. Also, I know I have mentioned this before, but I would really love to get some hand written letters from people! Ha, I guess this looks like a desperate plea, and it may be. It is nice to know that people care. Don't be afraid to send me a letter! I'd love it, actually. I'll put my school address here since I don't know who does and doesn't have it:
Justin Thomason #714
2211 College View Dr.
Redding, CA 96003
I pray that God will bless you abundantly, and that you will respond with obedience to whatever He may call you to. I pray for the joy of His love to overflow from you and for grace to abound in your lives. Thank you for your support, your prayer, and your love.
I promise to write more next time.
-J
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
And He Never Stopped Giving
Greetings everyone!
Right now I would like to take a few minutes and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I pray that this season is well spent with family and friends in celebration of the greatest gift God has given us. Even as our nation and our world strives to reject the true meaning of Christmas, I pray that you will stand firm in the faith and will boldly and without shame declare the coming and eventual return of Jesus.
As I type this, I am enjoying a quiet afternoon in Buckeye, AZ, where my parents currently live. We are, as it stands, a day past a week from the Christmas holiday, and its onset strikes me hard as I reflect on the year which has so swiftly passed. Where did the time go? What happened to the year? I remember at the beginning of the year when I looked ahead to this time, thinking to myself that it would come so slowly, and, as I do every year, I ended up eating my words. So much has happened this year; it has been quite the roller coaster. There is a long list of failures, but also a long list of blessings which accompany it. Which reminds me, in case anyone is confused about God, know this: God never stops giving.
When I last wrote, I was nearing the end of the semester and rapidly approaching finals. Well, I can gladly say that I made it through, and I am fairly confident in my final grades. I have, so far, received three out of six of my grades, all being A's so far. It feels good to say this, considering my grades for most of my previous college life. I do not want to slip, as I am trying to earn more scholarship opportunities by having good grades, so this is definitely a step in the right direction. One of the downsides of finals week was that I got really sick. Like an idiot, I didn't listen to Kendra when she suggested going and purchasing orange juice and water early in the week, and the result was a major cold and I was miserable for most of last week. I still am recovering from the last effects of it. For the record, in case any of you are wondering, if you begin to feel the onset of a cold, such as a tingle in the throat or a runny nose, I have a solution. Purchase (or just drink from your home) a gallon of water and a container of orange juice, such as Florida's Natural brand (which is my favorite) and consume them both within 24 hours. The orange juice boosts your immune system and the water purges your body. The earlier you catch it the better. Anyways . . . now I am about over it all, so I am doing my best to try to enjoy the break.
As you may be aware, this semester has seen its share of struggles, most of them have had to do with finances, but even further than that, many have also dealt with God's presence in my life. I had a series of issue this month, and on top of the stress of the last two weeks of school and being sick, I found myself at an interesting place in my heart. My drive home from school on Thursday the 12th was typical in that it was not a new drive, but this time, driving home brought many tough feelings and tougher questions to mind. The rush of the semester was wearing off, I was physically and mentally spent, and I was sick. I began to think about next semester and what it is going to take to get through it, and especially of what it is going to take to even get to the next semester. I began to feel overwhelmed. The thought crossed my mind maybe I shouldn't go back to school and maybe I should never have gone to school. Soon, I began to think of how insane it was that I, having no money or resources, was trying to attend college. I had made it that far with a lot of help from people, and so I knew I had been blessed to be able to even be at school for one semester. But now something felt different. I had long thought about whether or not I was making the right decisions, but never before had I legitimately felt that maybe I needed to stop or do something different. The thought frightened me. Great, another failure was the thought on my mind. Once again, I thought, I have proven that the only thing I am good at is starting something I cannot finish, trying to do something I am incapable of. I began to talk to God on the drive home. I asked God where He was, and why I couldn't feel him there. I asked Him if I was doing something wrong, if I was ignoring what He really wanted because of what I wanted. Then I said "Okay God, if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then why have you left me alone in it? You say you love me and you know what I need. Where are you?" I began to explore my heart, and I realized that this semester I had grown cold in a lot of ways, and that there was a sort of bitterness creeping into my soul. It was at this time on the drive that a song came on, "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine," by Switchfoot. The words spoke what I thought I felt in my heart:
"My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath.
We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
Two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of daylight where
the Shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
O Lord, why did you forsake me?
O Lord, don't be far away, away.
Storm clouds gathering beside me,
Please Lord, don't look the other way."
And at that time, my heart poured itself out. I prayed and I begged God to not let me be alone. It was rather pitiful actually, that after all I have seen and been through that now I would dare question God's presence. But it was how my heart felt. Later on, I got home, and I spent the evening trying to relax and recover from the lingering effects of my sickness. As the days since have unfolded, God has not only been around, He is actually making it very obvious. He is using people to help me and to speak things into my life that I needed to hear. God has really gone overboard, as if to say "Hey, do I have your attention now? Now, just so you get it through your head, I'm gonna keep going." It has been crazy. But I have been thankful. God still continues to work, as He always has.
Lately, I have been thinking about man's impact on God. Now, hear me, I do not believe that man has any power over God. But, I do think that man has been given power by God. Throughout scripture, you see times where men interceded with God and God was moved to do something different. Now, some people chalk that up to it having been God's intended plan all along. I do believe that God has plans, but I think in His infinite wisdom and capacity He has planned for many many different choices that we could make. I, and many others, have said in some situations the phrase "if it is God's will, it will happen." Now, my attitude has changed on this in some respects. I think God's will is that I obey Him and follow Him. Potentially, I could do that in seemingly endless numbers of ways. Do I have to be a teacher? No. Do I have to go on the Eastern Europe missions trip? No. But I don't think God inherently says no or yes to anything. I think we get really obsessed with trying to know God's blueprint for our lives, when God really just wants us to obey his commands in all situations. That means loving Him and loving others, but not simply in the sense of a word that we throw out like love. It includes behavior and choices. If what we do is not honoring to God or showing love to others, then we can be sure we are out of alignment with God's will. If we love God, we will do what He says, and live our lives and take care of our bodies in a way which honors the Creator. If we love others, we will do our best to treat them like Jesus would, we will strive to reach those who don't know God, because how could we say we love someone and still let them walk toward destruction? When we fall in line to these things, we stay within God's will for our lives. So, I think God honors us and does things when we fall in line with His will. There is blessing, and we can intercede with much success. Now, this being said, I think that God has also designed some things to be within our power. Back in Israel's day, God told them things that would happen, and they depended on how the Israelites lived. If well, then blessing followed, if bad, curses ensued. We all know what happened. God has also tasked us now to go out and make disciples. In the gospels, Jesus says that "the Gospel must first be preached to all nations" before the end will happen. I think we have been given the choice to either be part of God's plan, or not. I have wondered, though, if we are prolonging the second-coming because of a greater amount of disobedience among Christians, especially in America, at truly living for Jesus and the spread of the gospel. Just a thought I've had.
I am excited for the next semester. I am hoping for success as I have had for the last three to four months. Your prayer and support has been greatly appreciated, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as I walk through the rest of the school year. Specifically, pray for God's continued provision, for God to prepare and work in my heart for the semester and for the missions trip to Eastern Europe, and for God to continue to teach me and show me what it means to follow Him.
I myself am praying that God will continue to bless you all abundantly, and that every day you will be aware of His goodness and His love. I pray that as you walk in life, that it will be obvious that you are a follower of Jesus, and that you will be bold and proud to declare what the Lord has done for you. I pray that you will fearlessly answer whatever call is placed on you every day, and that you will run hard toward the prize that awaits those who are in Christ Jesus.
Thank you for the time you have spent reading my blog. I love you all, and I hope to see you soon.
-J
Right now I would like to take a few minutes and wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I pray that this season is well spent with family and friends in celebration of the greatest gift God has given us. Even as our nation and our world strives to reject the true meaning of Christmas, I pray that you will stand firm in the faith and will boldly and without shame declare the coming and eventual return of Jesus.
As I type this, I am enjoying a quiet afternoon in Buckeye, AZ, where my parents currently live. We are, as it stands, a day past a week from the Christmas holiday, and its onset strikes me hard as I reflect on the year which has so swiftly passed. Where did the time go? What happened to the year? I remember at the beginning of the year when I looked ahead to this time, thinking to myself that it would come so slowly, and, as I do every year, I ended up eating my words. So much has happened this year; it has been quite the roller coaster. There is a long list of failures, but also a long list of blessings which accompany it. Which reminds me, in case anyone is confused about God, know this: God never stops giving.
When I last wrote, I was nearing the end of the semester and rapidly approaching finals. Well, I can gladly say that I made it through, and I am fairly confident in my final grades. I have, so far, received three out of six of my grades, all being A's so far. It feels good to say this, considering my grades for most of my previous college life. I do not want to slip, as I am trying to earn more scholarship opportunities by having good grades, so this is definitely a step in the right direction. One of the downsides of finals week was that I got really sick. Like an idiot, I didn't listen to Kendra when she suggested going and purchasing orange juice and water early in the week, and the result was a major cold and I was miserable for most of last week. I still am recovering from the last effects of it. For the record, in case any of you are wondering, if you begin to feel the onset of a cold, such as a tingle in the throat or a runny nose, I have a solution. Purchase (or just drink from your home) a gallon of water and a container of orange juice, such as Florida's Natural brand (which is my favorite) and consume them both within 24 hours. The orange juice boosts your immune system and the water purges your body. The earlier you catch it the better. Anyways . . . now I am about over it all, so I am doing my best to try to enjoy the break.
As you may be aware, this semester has seen its share of struggles, most of them have had to do with finances, but even further than that, many have also dealt with God's presence in my life. I had a series of issue this month, and on top of the stress of the last two weeks of school and being sick, I found myself at an interesting place in my heart. My drive home from school on Thursday the 12th was typical in that it was not a new drive, but this time, driving home brought many tough feelings and tougher questions to mind. The rush of the semester was wearing off, I was physically and mentally spent, and I was sick. I began to think about next semester and what it is going to take to get through it, and especially of what it is going to take to even get to the next semester. I began to feel overwhelmed. The thought crossed my mind maybe I shouldn't go back to school and maybe I should never have gone to school. Soon, I began to think of how insane it was that I, having no money or resources, was trying to attend college. I had made it that far with a lot of help from people, and so I knew I had been blessed to be able to even be at school for one semester. But now something felt different. I had long thought about whether or not I was making the right decisions, but never before had I legitimately felt that maybe I needed to stop or do something different. The thought frightened me. Great, another failure was the thought on my mind. Once again, I thought, I have proven that the only thing I am good at is starting something I cannot finish, trying to do something I am incapable of. I began to talk to God on the drive home. I asked God where He was, and why I couldn't feel him there. I asked Him if I was doing something wrong, if I was ignoring what He really wanted because of what I wanted. Then I said "Okay God, if this is what I'm supposed to be doing, then why have you left me alone in it? You say you love me and you know what I need. Where are you?" I began to explore my heart, and I realized that this semester I had grown cold in a lot of ways, and that there was a sort of bitterness creeping into my soul. It was at this time on the drive that a song came on, "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine," by Switchfoot. The words spoke what I thought I felt in my heart:
"My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath.
We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
Two scared little runaways hold fast to the break of daylight where
the Shadow proves the sunshine, the shadow proves the sunshine.
O Lord, why did you forsake me?
O Lord, don't be far away, away.
Storm clouds gathering beside me,
Please Lord, don't look the other way."
And at that time, my heart poured itself out. I prayed and I begged God to not let me be alone. It was rather pitiful actually, that after all I have seen and been through that now I would dare question God's presence. But it was how my heart felt. Later on, I got home, and I spent the evening trying to relax and recover from the lingering effects of my sickness. As the days since have unfolded, God has not only been around, He is actually making it very obvious. He is using people to help me and to speak things into my life that I needed to hear. God has really gone overboard, as if to say "Hey, do I have your attention now? Now, just so you get it through your head, I'm gonna keep going." It has been crazy. But I have been thankful. God still continues to work, as He always has.
Lately, I have been thinking about man's impact on God. Now, hear me, I do not believe that man has any power over God. But, I do think that man has been given power by God. Throughout scripture, you see times where men interceded with God and God was moved to do something different. Now, some people chalk that up to it having been God's intended plan all along. I do believe that God has plans, but I think in His infinite wisdom and capacity He has planned for many many different choices that we could make. I, and many others, have said in some situations the phrase "if it is God's will, it will happen." Now, my attitude has changed on this in some respects. I think God's will is that I obey Him and follow Him. Potentially, I could do that in seemingly endless numbers of ways. Do I have to be a teacher? No. Do I have to go on the Eastern Europe missions trip? No. But I don't think God inherently says no or yes to anything. I think we get really obsessed with trying to know God's blueprint for our lives, when God really just wants us to obey his commands in all situations. That means loving Him and loving others, but not simply in the sense of a word that we throw out like love. It includes behavior and choices. If what we do is not honoring to God or showing love to others, then we can be sure we are out of alignment with God's will. If we love God, we will do what He says, and live our lives and take care of our bodies in a way which honors the Creator. If we love others, we will do our best to treat them like Jesus would, we will strive to reach those who don't know God, because how could we say we love someone and still let them walk toward destruction? When we fall in line to these things, we stay within God's will for our lives. So, I think God honors us and does things when we fall in line with His will. There is blessing, and we can intercede with much success. Now, this being said, I think that God has also designed some things to be within our power. Back in Israel's day, God told them things that would happen, and they depended on how the Israelites lived. If well, then blessing followed, if bad, curses ensued. We all know what happened. God has also tasked us now to go out and make disciples. In the gospels, Jesus says that "the Gospel must first be preached to all nations" before the end will happen. I think we have been given the choice to either be part of God's plan, or not. I have wondered, though, if we are prolonging the second-coming because of a greater amount of disobedience among Christians, especially in America, at truly living for Jesus and the spread of the gospel. Just a thought I've had.
I am excited for the next semester. I am hoping for success as I have had for the last three to four months. Your prayer and support has been greatly appreciated, and I hope you will continue to pray for me as I walk through the rest of the school year. Specifically, pray for God's continued provision, for God to prepare and work in my heart for the semester and for the missions trip to Eastern Europe, and for God to continue to teach me and show me what it means to follow Him.
I myself am praying that God will continue to bless you all abundantly, and that every day you will be aware of His goodness and His love. I pray that as you walk in life, that it will be obvious that you are a follower of Jesus, and that you will be bold and proud to declare what the Lord has done for you. I pray that you will fearlessly answer whatever call is placed on you every day, and that you will run hard toward the prize that awaits those who are in Christ Jesus.
Thank you for the time you have spent reading my blog. I love you all, and I hope to see you soon.
-J
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Semester Stretch
Hey everyone!
I hope that when you read this you are in good spirits, and I pray that my words provide encouragement and challenge you toward a closer relationship with Christ.
I do apologize for not updating during the middle of November. There was a lot going on, and there still is! At that time I was working on numerous projects, research papers, and other matters which deserved their due time. As a result, I was unable to give the necessary reflection and time which these blog posts deserve. Please forgive me for this, I know some of you are dedicated readers and have invested much love and time into my life, and I do not want you to feel that sharing life with you is not one of my priorities.
Now, to cover the previous month is an arduous task in itself, so I can only hope that I will do it the necessary justice. A month ago one of my best friends got married to the love of his life, and I was the Best Man at the wedding. It was a great opportunity and an honor to be named as such. I am truly happy for the bride and groom, and I pray they have a wonderful, long life together. Being part of a wedding is honestly not my favorite thing in the world, but I do not believe it is necessarily the weddings which give me sour taste. I feel a sort of dragging, down feeling at many different things other than weddings, such as graduations and promotions. Whether or not it is reasonable for me to feel so or not, I do feel many times that I have failed way too much in my life, and that I have not really amounted to anything. At those times, there are many who have worked to build me up and remind me that first and foremost I am a success because my heart is set on Jesus, and that no person in God's family is a failure, and that even past that, there are multiple types of successes, not just the ones that involve making millions of dollars or owning a big house or car. Yet still I struggle deeply with this. Perhaps because I know that I have not amounted to what I expected of myself. I could go on for days about the ways I consider myself having failed. But I will not go into that. What matters is what is ahead, and I seek to move forward toward the goals that God has put in front of me, and the doors that have been opened for me.
Speaking of which, I wrote briefly on Facebook about this, but I will also say it here that I have been selected to be part of a missions team at Simpson which will be going to Eastern Europe! Our objective is quite different than I am used to on missions teams, a fact which has troubled me very deeply for the last year or so. In short, we will spend time with University students which are mostly Muslim, and our goal is to speak Christ into their lives! So exciting! For a long time I have felt God's tug on me to share the gospel, like, to actually share it. With WORDS. I have had deep convictions in my heart and it has troubled me greatly, to wonder to myself if I have at any point completely missed the point of gospel sharing. It's great to do good things for people. Feed the homeless, awesome. Build somebody's house or fix their roof, swell. But to say that because I was kind to someone means that I shared the gospel with them? No... I'm no different than the next humanitarian. I'm supposed to be different. It is supposed to be clear that I am doing it a) because Jesus commands it, and b) because I want to share with them the hope in Christ that I have. If somebody doesn't say it, how the heck are they supposed to know it? So anyways, I went into this interview and I was told what we were doing, and that it was specifically calling for people who want to share the gospel by word and by living the word out with people, gosh, I knew it was just right. I knew it had to be right. I could never say no to a chance like that. God should be the one to say no, and I believe if I am not supposed to go, He will make it clear somehow. But I do not believe that I have the right to say no. If the opportunity to share Christ is there, how could I not do it? God doesn't present us with these things just so that we can say no. He wants us to be obedient to Him, even if it means we end up not actually doing what we were called to do. Does that mean God failed? Absolutely NOT! Do you think the message of Christ failed just because one of the disciples was martyred, or because Paul got locked in prison? NO! All of these things were part of obedience to whatever situation God set for His people. Paul wrote "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" and "it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" (Phil 1:27,29). I do not believe that if I do not go on the missions trip that God has failed in my life, or that His plan in E.E. will fail. On the contrary, I know that God will do His purpose regardless! But how can I call myself a Christ follower if I am not willing to follow Him to death? (of course, I am not going to die if I don't go on the trip, I am merely suggesting the importance, the urgency, of following the commands of Jesus). So, many of you will receive a letter or email from me detailing a little of the trip and what to pray for, as well as some financial figures (those of you who know me will know that I cringe at this part). I do hope and pray that I can go, and if I do it will be only by God's grace that it will happen. I appreciate your prayer in this matter.
Outside of the wedding, the homework, and the missions topic, not much else has been going on. I am happy to say that I got to spend time with my family during the Thanksgiving break. I drove down from Redding to Manteca on Tuesday. The next day, I drove to Modesto and picked up Josh and Julia, my brother and sister, and we drove to Bakersfield, where we met my parents and my two youngest siblings. Why Bakersfield, you ask? Well, if you don't already know, my parents live in Arizona, approximately 7-8 hours from Bakersfield. We decided the best thing to do would be to meet. How unconventional!! A family of seven, including five adopted sons and daughters ranging from 13 to 27 years old, comprising of at least three distinctly different ethnicities, piling into an RV-Trailer for a traditional Thanksgiving meal of which at least half was prepared ahead of time by my parents, yes it was quite unconventional. But you know what? I care not for the location, I care not for the food. What matters is family. Being together. Oh the lengths that a family will go to be together! It is quite beautiful. We never really have to plan anything, save for the scheduling of arrivals and departures. We just simply meet, and life just flows. I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for no time constraints, for no rush, for no agenda; I am thankful for the chance to stop and just be family. A time I truly cherish. Seeing my family I feel is like seeing what God is all about. In the midst of many different personalities and ethnicities and good choices and bad choices, from the very best we offer to the very worst of our humanity, it was never about how different we are. It was only about being together. United as a family. Forgetting about the hurts and the struggles, and instead soaking in the joy of perfect moments of peace and grace. It truly was, and is, beautiful. And that we have the perfect father, our Lord, makes it even better. John wrote "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1). That is what I see. Not because we loved but because He loved us.
I have come to a place this month where I have become distressed at much of what I have heard from home. From visits and texts and calls, I have heard a lot of things that have troubled me. People are slandering each other, spreading lies and gossiping things which they neither know or understand. Many that consider themselves Christ followers are quick to point fingers at others for "big" sins while they themselves continue to commit "small" sins. There are those that condemn others but do not help bear their burden. People will talk to others about each other, but won't actually talk to each other. Factions, groups, cliques are being formed. There are some who are striving to serve and be involved but are doing it for completely selfish reasons. What has happened? I am not naive. I don't believe that this stuff never happened before. Still, I am appalled. James wrote "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings . . . out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be" (James 3:9,10). John wrote "let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth," and "whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen" (1 John 3:18, 4:20). Paul instructs us to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Eph. 4:2). Stop the slander! Stop the lies and gossip! Did you know that Jesus said that "the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts-- Murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:18,19). You cannot say you love someone when the words out of your mouth, especially those behind their back, are not loving. Love is not about a feeling you get or a sense that you are currently happy with that person and their actions and words. Love is about how you can move them ultimately toward God, by demonstrating the love that God showed to us. Love is not a formula or a checklist. It is Jesus. I pray that there will be unity, forgiveness, mercy and grace.
God is moving in my heart. He never stopped moving. I am grateful for this, and I pray that I can continue to grow with him in faith and love and virtue. I have some things coming up, the semester is about to be over, I have to pay for a new semester and new books and such. I will have new classes to attend to, and I must maintain my work ethic. I have the E.E. missions trip which will involve raising money and growing and training with my team. Most importantly, I have the never-ending pursuit of Christ. Please pray for all these things, but especially pray that I am 100% in Christ, as he is 100% in me. I thank you for your love and support, and I pray that God may bless you abundantly so that you may bless others with the love He has poured on you.
Grace and peace in Christ,
-J
I hope that when you read this you are in good spirits, and I pray that my words provide encouragement and challenge you toward a closer relationship with Christ.
I do apologize for not updating during the middle of November. There was a lot going on, and there still is! At that time I was working on numerous projects, research papers, and other matters which deserved their due time. As a result, I was unable to give the necessary reflection and time which these blog posts deserve. Please forgive me for this, I know some of you are dedicated readers and have invested much love and time into my life, and I do not want you to feel that sharing life with you is not one of my priorities.
Now, to cover the previous month is an arduous task in itself, so I can only hope that I will do it the necessary justice. A month ago one of my best friends got married to the love of his life, and I was the Best Man at the wedding. It was a great opportunity and an honor to be named as such. I am truly happy for the bride and groom, and I pray they have a wonderful, long life together. Being part of a wedding is honestly not my favorite thing in the world, but I do not believe it is necessarily the weddings which give me sour taste. I feel a sort of dragging, down feeling at many different things other than weddings, such as graduations and promotions. Whether or not it is reasonable for me to feel so or not, I do feel many times that I have failed way too much in my life, and that I have not really amounted to anything. At those times, there are many who have worked to build me up and remind me that first and foremost I am a success because my heart is set on Jesus, and that no person in God's family is a failure, and that even past that, there are multiple types of successes, not just the ones that involve making millions of dollars or owning a big house or car. Yet still I struggle deeply with this. Perhaps because I know that I have not amounted to what I expected of myself. I could go on for days about the ways I consider myself having failed. But I will not go into that. What matters is what is ahead, and I seek to move forward toward the goals that God has put in front of me, and the doors that have been opened for me.
Speaking of which, I wrote briefly on Facebook about this, but I will also say it here that I have been selected to be part of a missions team at Simpson which will be going to Eastern Europe! Our objective is quite different than I am used to on missions teams, a fact which has troubled me very deeply for the last year or so. In short, we will spend time with University students which are mostly Muslim, and our goal is to speak Christ into their lives! So exciting! For a long time I have felt God's tug on me to share the gospel, like, to actually share it. With WORDS. I have had deep convictions in my heart and it has troubled me greatly, to wonder to myself if I have at any point completely missed the point of gospel sharing. It's great to do good things for people. Feed the homeless, awesome. Build somebody's house or fix their roof, swell. But to say that because I was kind to someone means that I shared the gospel with them? No... I'm no different than the next humanitarian. I'm supposed to be different. It is supposed to be clear that I am doing it a) because Jesus commands it, and b) because I want to share with them the hope in Christ that I have. If somebody doesn't say it, how the heck are they supposed to know it? So anyways, I went into this interview and I was told what we were doing, and that it was specifically calling for people who want to share the gospel by word and by living the word out with people, gosh, I knew it was just right. I knew it had to be right. I could never say no to a chance like that. God should be the one to say no, and I believe if I am not supposed to go, He will make it clear somehow. But I do not believe that I have the right to say no. If the opportunity to share Christ is there, how could I not do it? God doesn't present us with these things just so that we can say no. He wants us to be obedient to Him, even if it means we end up not actually doing what we were called to do. Does that mean God failed? Absolutely NOT! Do you think the message of Christ failed just because one of the disciples was martyred, or because Paul got locked in prison? NO! All of these things were part of obedience to whatever situation God set for His people. Paul wrote "Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ" and "it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him" (Phil 1:27,29). I do not believe that if I do not go on the missions trip that God has failed in my life, or that His plan in E.E. will fail. On the contrary, I know that God will do His purpose regardless! But how can I call myself a Christ follower if I am not willing to follow Him to death? (of course, I am not going to die if I don't go on the trip, I am merely suggesting the importance, the urgency, of following the commands of Jesus). So, many of you will receive a letter or email from me detailing a little of the trip and what to pray for, as well as some financial figures (those of you who know me will know that I cringe at this part). I do hope and pray that I can go, and if I do it will be only by God's grace that it will happen. I appreciate your prayer in this matter.
Outside of the wedding, the homework, and the missions topic, not much else has been going on. I am happy to say that I got to spend time with my family during the Thanksgiving break. I drove down from Redding to Manteca on Tuesday. The next day, I drove to Modesto and picked up Josh and Julia, my brother and sister, and we drove to Bakersfield, where we met my parents and my two youngest siblings. Why Bakersfield, you ask? Well, if you don't already know, my parents live in Arizona, approximately 7-8 hours from Bakersfield. We decided the best thing to do would be to meet. How unconventional!! A family of seven, including five adopted sons and daughters ranging from 13 to 27 years old, comprising of at least three distinctly different ethnicities, piling into an RV-Trailer for a traditional Thanksgiving meal of which at least half was prepared ahead of time by my parents, yes it was quite unconventional. But you know what? I care not for the location, I care not for the food. What matters is family. Being together. Oh the lengths that a family will go to be together! It is quite beautiful. We never really have to plan anything, save for the scheduling of arrivals and departures. We just simply meet, and life just flows. I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for no time constraints, for no rush, for no agenda; I am thankful for the chance to stop and just be family. A time I truly cherish. Seeing my family I feel is like seeing what God is all about. In the midst of many different personalities and ethnicities and good choices and bad choices, from the very best we offer to the very worst of our humanity, it was never about how different we are. It was only about being together. United as a family. Forgetting about the hurts and the struggles, and instead soaking in the joy of perfect moments of peace and grace. It truly was, and is, beautiful. And that we have the perfect father, our Lord, makes it even better. John wrote "See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1). That is what I see. Not because we loved but because He loved us.
I have come to a place this month where I have become distressed at much of what I have heard from home. From visits and texts and calls, I have heard a lot of things that have troubled me. People are slandering each other, spreading lies and gossiping things which they neither know or understand. Many that consider themselves Christ followers are quick to point fingers at others for "big" sins while they themselves continue to commit "small" sins. There are those that condemn others but do not help bear their burden. People will talk to others about each other, but won't actually talk to each other. Factions, groups, cliques are being formed. There are some who are striving to serve and be involved but are doing it for completely selfish reasons. What has happened? I am not naive. I don't believe that this stuff never happened before. Still, I am appalled. James wrote "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings . . . out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be" (James 3:9,10). John wrote "let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth," and "whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen" (1 John 3:18, 4:20). Paul instructs us to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Eph. 4:2). Stop the slander! Stop the lies and gossip! Did you know that Jesus said that "the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts-- Murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:18,19). You cannot say you love someone when the words out of your mouth, especially those behind their back, are not loving. Love is not about a feeling you get or a sense that you are currently happy with that person and their actions and words. Love is about how you can move them ultimately toward God, by demonstrating the love that God showed to us. Love is not a formula or a checklist. It is Jesus. I pray that there will be unity, forgiveness, mercy and grace.
God is moving in my heart. He never stopped moving. I am grateful for this, and I pray that I can continue to grow with him in faith and love and virtue. I have some things coming up, the semester is about to be over, I have to pay for a new semester and new books and such. I will have new classes to attend to, and I must maintain my work ethic. I have the E.E. missions trip which will involve raising money and growing and training with my team. Most importantly, I have the never-ending pursuit of Christ. Please pray for all these things, but especially pray that I am 100% in Christ, as he is 100% in me. I thank you for your love and support, and I pray that God may bless you abundantly so that you may bless others with the love He has poured on you.
Grace and peace in Christ,
-J
Monday, November 4, 2013
Blessings and Curses
Hello everyone,
Thank you all for your patience for this blog, and thank you for being a faithful reader. I apologize for the delay on this post. I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits, and that after reading this you will come to a place of worship to the Lord our God, for who He is and what He has done.
The tardiness of this post will hint as to the current state of my daily life at this point. I had an extremely busy week this past week, culminating in the reading of a 350 page book and a subsequent book review. I actually think I turned in the worst paper of my entire existence, so in hindsight, I probably could have typed out an extensive blog and still done just as well. I suppose I cannot say this for sure, as I have not gotten my paper back yet, but I am not excited to get it! That was not the only thing on the list, so you can imagine how the week went. But I will spare you that discussion. Instead, I will go back a few weeks.
Since the last time I posted, quite a lot has happened. I am unsure of where to even start!
Every time I post a blog, I ask for prayers for multiple things, not the least of which is God's provision as I attend school. Amazingly, I had some substantial gifts come in, all within a matter of days and seemingly one right after the other. I was taken completely by surprise, and I know it was God's love and grace in the lives of others that they willingly, cheerfully, and sacrificially poured into me. Never before has the Lord humbled me so much. I am thankful to those for their generosity and grace, but ultimately I thank the Lord because of His love. I am challenged even further now to continue in the work that has been set in front of me, and to follow the call which I have surrendered my life for. I ask that as I move forward to more uncertainties and more possibilities that I will continue to be faithful as God is faithful, and that I will have peace in His provision. I pray for especially those who have sacrificed much for me that their lives will be abundantly blessed, many times more than what they have done for me. I pray that God will sustain them and will use them even more in other's lives than they already have in mine.
Kendra's birthday was on the 19th, and I got the opportunity to travel to Manteca and then with her mom and step-dad to the L.A. area because she had soccer games on that day and the day before. We wanted to be able to spend time with her on her birthday, so we made the trip. It was great to see her for her birthday. They lost their soccer game, but they fought hard. I am proud that she works hard and gives her all whether she plays a few minutes or many minutes. It brings me joy to watch her play. I know nothing about soccer, but she's my favorite player ever! Oh, on that note, today (the 3rd) was our one year anniversary of dating. We went to church, spent many hours at Starbucks doing homework, had a great dinner at Olive Garden (which, I must admit, she picked the tab up for... yeah shut up) and then we did more homework back at school. Yeah, sounds like your typical college-attending couple! But it has been a great year, yes we have our ups and downs, but every day I am more and more happy with her.
School has been going well, other than the previously mentioned stress week. I have been doing pretty well in all my other classes, and I haven't bombed anything to this point. One of the coolest things was getting my Old Testament exam back, where I scored a 98%. Yeah, talk about feeling good! Hey, if anyone wants me to list all the countries of Europe, or maybe South America, or perhaps the geographical features of North America, I can do that! Yes, I think out of all my classes I have learned the most material in Geography. It is quite a bit of information, and we are in the middle of the most difficult section- Africa. By this week, I need to be able to name and place all the countries.
The most interesting class I have- and by far my favorite (other than the book review I had to write)- is my Civil War & Reconstruction class. We actually have spent relatively little time on the actual war. We spent a few weeks leading to the actual war, and each of us had to present different battles for a grade, and then we have spent the last two weeks talking specifically about Abraham Lincoln. The book review we wrote was on a book that was written by Eric Foner, and it's called The Fiery Trial, and it is all about Lincoln's life, specifically focusing on his interactions with slavery. The class and everything that we have done in it has vastly expanded my mind. Interestingly, the crossroads that the United States was at before the Civil war is strikingly similar to the crossroads we are at today, with different specifics. Oddly enough, after reading many different things, I cannot look at how I feel about today's America and still condemn the Old South for wanting to secede from the Union (I am in no way saying that slavery was okay). Also, Abraham Lincoln was a master of words. As I get to know him through his writings and dealings, I begin to think of him as a master politician. In a lot of ways I think that President Obama is trying to be like Lincoln. The only difference is... he's not. Haha. Oh for our class on the 18th I had to dress up as an Abolitionist from the 19th century. That was pretty interesting... haha. I'm sure there's pictures on facebook somewhere.
So, lately there have been a number of thoughts on my mind. At one time in my life I had thought that if you ever had doubts or questions in your mind that it meant you weren't a "good Christian." I had thought that if you ever looked at your life and wondered if you're doing the right thing that it meant your faith was weak. Now? I'm starting to think it is actually the opposite. I look around and I see so many people who profess to be Christians, and they walk as if everything is okay all the time. People hear things about God and nod their head. They love when their favorite worship song is sung at church. Only when the worship music isn't their style, or when the pastor says something that was a little too radical, or when the person in the row behind us keeps coughing, or when that singer up there is a little pitchy in their voice do many ever find that something is wrong. You know, I dislike when someone asks me how I liked the worship. Um... excuse me? Are you asking me if I worshiped, or are you asking me if the style was the most important thing to me? I will go another step. What about when a song comes on that everyone knows? Many throw their arms up in the air, people squeeze their eyes shut, many shout their song as if the louder they sing the more likely God is to hear. Yet, when the next song comes, one that is much less known, everything changes. Or when you are in the middle of worship time and the person next to you is talking to you and you are giggling about things and making noise, and then you turn from that and all of a sudden you are all "high on the spirit."
You know what I am thinking during worship? Whether or not I am worthy to even say the words on the screen. I think if it is really what I believe or if it really is how I live. If a song's lyrics say "I want more of you God" or "Lead me to the cross" or "I'm alive to live for you," is that really what we are asking for or desiring? Do we really know what it is we are saying? We love those songs that say "He loves us" or "Raise a shout to let all the world know that Jesus saves." But there are times where I am struck during church/chapel and I have to be silent and come before God and ask myself if I really mean what I sing. When I am convicted it is one of the most gut-wrenching feelings. How can I declare with song that I am following God if days go by without putting Him first? How can I be so hot on one song that speaks truth and be so cold during another song that speaks of the same truth? That is such a hard place to be in. What about standing during worship, or raising your hands? One of my least favorite things is when the first person stands up, because everyone will follow suit afterwards. Some were planning on doing it anyway, some wanted to wait til someone else to stand up so that they wouldn't look out of place or, God forbid, look like they are too crazy for God. On the flip side, some only do it because they don't want to be the only ones sitting. I do believe that plenty of people out there do things legitimately, out of true reverence for God. Yet, I often feel that I am the only one who thinks of such things. I don't want to come before God and just sing. I want to worship, in complete reverence.
Another thing that has been on my heart is missions. Lately I have had a deep internal struggle, because I have tried to make sense of the things I have been involved in compared to what I see when I read the book of Acts. Let me explain. In Acts, you never see the Apostles speak without an action, and you never see them act without speaking as well. I have looked back on any of the so-called "missions" that I have been part of and realized something- if I did not make clear the reason I am doing anything (because of God), then how am I any different from the peace corps or any other person that volunteers? Plenty of people out in the world do kind things for others and aren't doing them in the name of Christ. Yes, I know that Bible says that "they will know you are my disciples by how you love each other," but let's remember that this was said to people who were already following Jesus. Our love for each other (those who are in the family of Christ) is supposed to make people want to be part of that family. But we do not get to say that because we "love" other people that are not part of Christ's family that it means they know who Jesus is. If we really "love" other people, why would we not scream it at people?! If we love someone, why would we want them to have to face the full wrath of God and face eternal judgment apart from God? In that light, we should want to tell everyone before we do anything else, right? Instead, we have people eagerly listening to the words of that old Saint that says "Preach the Gospel, and if you have to, use words." There is no other statement circulating around the Christian community that angers me more than that. Where in the Bible does it say that? I don't see it.
Now let me clarify: I am not saying we all have to be super evangelists and hit the street corners at this exact moment, but what I am saying is that how can we just assume that since we are doing nice things that it reprieves us from having to share the gospel with words? Another thing that bothers me is when people talk about a missions trip "changing their life," or that it was a "great experience." When I hear those things, I wonder, So who exactly was that missions trip for? Now, I totally believe that when we surrender to God and take steps of faith that He works in us, shows us things, and lets us have great joy during the process. But, when OUR experience is the focal point of the conversation, or when our FUN is the most talked about thing, then what was the point? The hardest question to ask is this:
What in my life has changed?
If your life still looks the same, if you still fall to the same things, if you still behave the same ways, if you still do everything the same, then has your life really changed? I'm not saying that you come leave disliking Chinese food and then come back wanting nothing other than that. I'm talking about straight honest to God change. Where you understand the need for Christ in the world and the way you behave and interact with those at home changes accordingly. Stuff like that. This has been tough for me. As much as I can point to any organization or any group or any person or event that takes place, I look first at myself and wonder, Have I totally missed the boat? I don't think it is guilt that is pushing me. I truly believe it is the Holy Spirit stirring me, and I am finally listening. If I really believe that Jesus is Lord, and I really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and if I really love others, then I will do my best to preach the gospel, and I will do my best to lead people toward Christ. And I will not just speak words, but they will be with actions behind them, not because it will earn me salvation, but because I desire to give my life as a ransom for the work of Jesus. I am done with the excuses. In fact, I am without excuse now.
So these are the things I have been thinking of. I ask that you all continue to pray for me in my situation with school, that God will provide what I need, and that I will be in complete surrender to Him. Please pray for clarity and peace in my heart and mind, that I may hear God and be able to discern the road ahead. Please pray that I will not be bitter and in contempt of the world, but that by the love that God has shown me I will strive to pour that same love out into the world, both here and abroad. Please pray that God will glorify Himself in me, and that through His action in my life people will come to know Him and come to worship Him.
I thank you all for your time in reading this. May the God who is in control of all things show you favor. May He fill you with his peace. May he shower you in the riches of His love and grace.
With love,
J
Thank you all for your patience for this blog, and thank you for being a faithful reader. I apologize for the delay on this post. I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits, and that after reading this you will come to a place of worship to the Lord our God, for who He is and what He has done.
The tardiness of this post will hint as to the current state of my daily life at this point. I had an extremely busy week this past week, culminating in the reading of a 350 page book and a subsequent book review. I actually think I turned in the worst paper of my entire existence, so in hindsight, I probably could have typed out an extensive blog and still done just as well. I suppose I cannot say this for sure, as I have not gotten my paper back yet, but I am not excited to get it! That was not the only thing on the list, so you can imagine how the week went. But I will spare you that discussion. Instead, I will go back a few weeks.
Since the last time I posted, quite a lot has happened. I am unsure of where to even start!
Every time I post a blog, I ask for prayers for multiple things, not the least of which is God's provision as I attend school. Amazingly, I had some substantial gifts come in, all within a matter of days and seemingly one right after the other. I was taken completely by surprise, and I know it was God's love and grace in the lives of others that they willingly, cheerfully, and sacrificially poured into me. Never before has the Lord humbled me so much. I am thankful to those for their generosity and grace, but ultimately I thank the Lord because of His love. I am challenged even further now to continue in the work that has been set in front of me, and to follow the call which I have surrendered my life for. I ask that as I move forward to more uncertainties and more possibilities that I will continue to be faithful as God is faithful, and that I will have peace in His provision. I pray for especially those who have sacrificed much for me that their lives will be abundantly blessed, many times more than what they have done for me. I pray that God will sustain them and will use them even more in other's lives than they already have in mine.
Kendra's birthday was on the 19th, and I got the opportunity to travel to Manteca and then with her mom and step-dad to the L.A. area because she had soccer games on that day and the day before. We wanted to be able to spend time with her on her birthday, so we made the trip. It was great to see her for her birthday. They lost their soccer game, but they fought hard. I am proud that she works hard and gives her all whether she plays a few minutes or many minutes. It brings me joy to watch her play. I know nothing about soccer, but she's my favorite player ever! Oh, on that note, today (the 3rd) was our one year anniversary of dating. We went to church, spent many hours at Starbucks doing homework, had a great dinner at Olive Garden (which, I must admit, she picked the tab up for... yeah shut up) and then we did more homework back at school. Yeah, sounds like your typical college-attending couple! But it has been a great year, yes we have our ups and downs, but every day I am more and more happy with her.
School has been going well, other than the previously mentioned stress week. I have been doing pretty well in all my other classes, and I haven't bombed anything to this point. One of the coolest things was getting my Old Testament exam back, where I scored a 98%. Yeah, talk about feeling good! Hey, if anyone wants me to list all the countries of Europe, or maybe South America, or perhaps the geographical features of North America, I can do that! Yes, I think out of all my classes I have learned the most material in Geography. It is quite a bit of information, and we are in the middle of the most difficult section- Africa. By this week, I need to be able to name and place all the countries.
The most interesting class I have- and by far my favorite (other than the book review I had to write)- is my Civil War & Reconstruction class. We actually have spent relatively little time on the actual war. We spent a few weeks leading to the actual war, and each of us had to present different battles for a grade, and then we have spent the last two weeks talking specifically about Abraham Lincoln. The book review we wrote was on a book that was written by Eric Foner, and it's called The Fiery Trial, and it is all about Lincoln's life, specifically focusing on his interactions with slavery. The class and everything that we have done in it has vastly expanded my mind. Interestingly, the crossroads that the United States was at before the Civil war is strikingly similar to the crossroads we are at today, with different specifics. Oddly enough, after reading many different things, I cannot look at how I feel about today's America and still condemn the Old South for wanting to secede from the Union (I am in no way saying that slavery was okay). Also, Abraham Lincoln was a master of words. As I get to know him through his writings and dealings, I begin to think of him as a master politician. In a lot of ways I think that President Obama is trying to be like Lincoln. The only difference is... he's not. Haha. Oh for our class on the 18th I had to dress up as an Abolitionist from the 19th century. That was pretty interesting... haha. I'm sure there's pictures on facebook somewhere.
So, lately there have been a number of thoughts on my mind. At one time in my life I had thought that if you ever had doubts or questions in your mind that it meant you weren't a "good Christian." I had thought that if you ever looked at your life and wondered if you're doing the right thing that it meant your faith was weak. Now? I'm starting to think it is actually the opposite. I look around and I see so many people who profess to be Christians, and they walk as if everything is okay all the time. People hear things about God and nod their head. They love when their favorite worship song is sung at church. Only when the worship music isn't their style, or when the pastor says something that was a little too radical, or when the person in the row behind us keeps coughing, or when that singer up there is a little pitchy in their voice do many ever find that something is wrong. You know, I dislike when someone asks me how I liked the worship. Um... excuse me? Are you asking me if I worshiped, or are you asking me if the style was the most important thing to me? I will go another step. What about when a song comes on that everyone knows? Many throw their arms up in the air, people squeeze their eyes shut, many shout their song as if the louder they sing the more likely God is to hear. Yet, when the next song comes, one that is much less known, everything changes. Or when you are in the middle of worship time and the person next to you is talking to you and you are giggling about things and making noise, and then you turn from that and all of a sudden you are all "high on the spirit."
You know what I am thinking during worship? Whether or not I am worthy to even say the words on the screen. I think if it is really what I believe or if it really is how I live. If a song's lyrics say "I want more of you God" or "Lead me to the cross" or "I'm alive to live for you," is that really what we are asking for or desiring? Do we really know what it is we are saying? We love those songs that say "He loves us" or "Raise a shout to let all the world know that Jesus saves." But there are times where I am struck during church/chapel and I have to be silent and come before God and ask myself if I really mean what I sing. When I am convicted it is one of the most gut-wrenching feelings. How can I declare with song that I am following God if days go by without putting Him first? How can I be so hot on one song that speaks truth and be so cold during another song that speaks of the same truth? That is such a hard place to be in. What about standing during worship, or raising your hands? One of my least favorite things is when the first person stands up, because everyone will follow suit afterwards. Some were planning on doing it anyway, some wanted to wait til someone else to stand up so that they wouldn't look out of place or, God forbid, look like they are too crazy for God. On the flip side, some only do it because they don't want to be the only ones sitting. I do believe that plenty of people out there do things legitimately, out of true reverence for God. Yet, I often feel that I am the only one who thinks of such things. I don't want to come before God and just sing. I want to worship, in complete reverence.
Another thing that has been on my heart is missions. Lately I have had a deep internal struggle, because I have tried to make sense of the things I have been involved in compared to what I see when I read the book of Acts. Let me explain. In Acts, you never see the Apostles speak without an action, and you never see them act without speaking as well. I have looked back on any of the so-called "missions" that I have been part of and realized something- if I did not make clear the reason I am doing anything (because of God), then how am I any different from the peace corps or any other person that volunteers? Plenty of people out in the world do kind things for others and aren't doing them in the name of Christ. Yes, I know that Bible says that "they will know you are my disciples by how you love each other," but let's remember that this was said to people who were already following Jesus. Our love for each other (those who are in the family of Christ) is supposed to make people want to be part of that family. But we do not get to say that because we "love" other people that are not part of Christ's family that it means they know who Jesus is. If we really "love" other people, why would we not scream it at people?! If we love someone, why would we want them to have to face the full wrath of God and face eternal judgment apart from God? In that light, we should want to tell everyone before we do anything else, right? Instead, we have people eagerly listening to the words of that old Saint that says "Preach the Gospel, and if you have to, use words." There is no other statement circulating around the Christian community that angers me more than that. Where in the Bible does it say that? I don't see it.
Now let me clarify: I am not saying we all have to be super evangelists and hit the street corners at this exact moment, but what I am saying is that how can we just assume that since we are doing nice things that it reprieves us from having to share the gospel with words? Another thing that bothers me is when people talk about a missions trip "changing their life," or that it was a "great experience." When I hear those things, I wonder, So who exactly was that missions trip for? Now, I totally believe that when we surrender to God and take steps of faith that He works in us, shows us things, and lets us have great joy during the process. But, when OUR experience is the focal point of the conversation, or when our FUN is the most talked about thing, then what was the point? The hardest question to ask is this:
What in my life has changed?
If your life still looks the same, if you still fall to the same things, if you still behave the same ways, if you still do everything the same, then has your life really changed? I'm not saying that you come leave disliking Chinese food and then come back wanting nothing other than that. I'm talking about straight honest to God change. Where you understand the need for Christ in the world and the way you behave and interact with those at home changes accordingly. Stuff like that. This has been tough for me. As much as I can point to any organization or any group or any person or event that takes place, I look first at myself and wonder, Have I totally missed the boat? I don't think it is guilt that is pushing me. I truly believe it is the Holy Spirit stirring me, and I am finally listening. If I really believe that Jesus is Lord, and I really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and if I really love others, then I will do my best to preach the gospel, and I will do my best to lead people toward Christ. And I will not just speak words, but they will be with actions behind them, not because it will earn me salvation, but because I desire to give my life as a ransom for the work of Jesus. I am done with the excuses. In fact, I am without excuse now.
So these are the things I have been thinking of. I ask that you all continue to pray for me in my situation with school, that God will provide what I need, and that I will be in complete surrender to Him. Please pray for clarity and peace in my heart and mind, that I may hear God and be able to discern the road ahead. Please pray that I will not be bitter and in contempt of the world, but that by the love that God has shown me I will strive to pour that same love out into the world, both here and abroad. Please pray that God will glorify Himself in me, and that through His action in my life people will come to know Him and come to worship Him.
I thank you all for your time in reading this. May the God who is in control of all things show you favor. May He fill you with his peace. May he shower you in the riches of His love and grace.
With love,
J
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
What about the other Half?
Hello everyone, thank you for reading and for giving your time to my cause. I hope that when you read this you are encouraged, challenged, and grateful at who God is.
Today's verse... more like every day's verse... is Proverbs 16:9. I currently am staring at the content of this psalm written on a sticky note stuck to the shelf above where my computer sits right now:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)
Take a moment to consider this proverb. I will not begin to consider whether this says anything concerning free will versus predestination, but I do consider what this proverb says about who is really in charge here. The final authority on ALL things is only God. Any dreams, fantasies, wills, wishes, or desires ultimately must go through God. Many of us talk about what we want to do or what we think we should do and then we invite God to come along with us and bless us in it, and further, we say we are doing it for His glory. Here is a question in my mind that I would like to present:
Do you think God wants to bless something that didn't come from Him?
Now hold on. I believe that God gives us passions and dreams that are good and worth giving effort toward, but I also believe that what we decide to pursue ought to begin with our total submission to God. Rather than attempting to dissect and decipher the hearts of any one or more individuals, I will leave you with my own situation...
I never once in my life wanted to be a teacher. There are numerous reasons for this, some are rational and some irrational, but here is a sampling of those reasons:
1) Relatively low pay for the amount of work you really have
2) Lots of time has to be spent after-hours outside of "work" preparing and maintaining
3) Responsibility
Now let me explain that last one. It is not accurate to say I hate having responsibility, because anyone who hates that should never choose to live on their own. What I really mean by that is that I am absolutely scared to death at the idea of students' lives and futures being affected and shaped by every little thing I do.
The point of all this is, I had never wanted to be a teacher, and these reasons (and there are more) were the ones that would have kept me out of it. But instead, I pursue a college degree and credentials so that I may spend years of my life in classrooms with students. Now to put my point of submission to God across, I will say that I am doing it mainly for these reasons:
1) God commanded us to love Him and love our neighbor as ourselves, and our love for God is made practical in our love for people
2) God commanded us to support the cause of the fatherless
3) God commanded us to go and make disciples of all nations and teach them to obey Jesus
4) The Bible instructs us to give cheerfully, abundantly, and sacrificially out of what has been given to us
Now let us be clear, I am not without passion and am not without dreams. I have discovered in my past six plus years of volunteering with Youth that I God has given me a heart and passion for teenagers. And dreams? Ever since I was a kid I have always had a Messiah complex where I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to be a hero in someone's life. The interesting thing is that my dream of heroism has been held my whole life, but my passion has been discovered and changed through my life experience. When I first surrender myself to who God is and what His expectations are, and then out of that I put my dreams and passions in perspective, I come away with a goal, a dream and passion from God to pursue. For me at the moment, that is to teach high schoolers. You know what I think is the best indication that you are in submission to Christ first before your dreams? When you are completely and comfortably willing to change as God changes you. When your whole world doesn't turn upside down at the notion that you may not end up doing what you are going to school for. When you are willing to change your whole life drastically to accommodate the change that God is doing in your life. These I can confidently say I have done, and am doing. It is only possible with Jesus that I can do this. God took me from a place of wretchedness to a place where I have purpose. That is only done by Him, and will only be done for His glory. Not for mine.
So now you see why I have that verse from Proverbs on a sticky note above where I do my schoolwork. I must always remember who really is in charge. I challenge you to always be thinking of that, always remembering that, and always challenging yourself and where you are at with that.
So I am almost at the halfway point of the semester, and I had the wonderful privilege of going home to Manteca to see my Calvary family and to wish off Pastor Tim as he moves on to a different ministry. This weekend was so fast, and almost seems like a dream sometimes, but it was so refreshing and so motivating. I came out of this weekend remembering that God's kingdom is not contained by walls or buildings or towns or nations, but that it is all around us and is within us. I had the chance to talk to some people about the things that have been going on in my life, and I had the wonderful privilege of being prayed for on numerous occasions. What a great weekend! Kendra got to be back for a while too, and her friend Marijke (pronounced Muh-rye-kuh) got to come experience a little bit of where Kendra and I came from. It was so good to see everyone, and I think of all the moments, one of the most memorable was the mobbing at the hands of the Junior Highers as I snuck in to youth on Thursday night. That was so awesome and so humbling. Who am I, that I should matter to these kids and adults? It was great to be a part of.
Now as the weekend has ended, and today I went back to class as normal, I look ahead with some anxiousness, wonder, question, and excitement. I know that within two months of today I will be at home for a month long break, and that will also mean halfway through the school year, and one quarter of the way to my immediate goal of a College degree! How exciting. Now if I could just get over this cold I picked up...
October 25th is coming up, and it is a really important date for me. I am able to register for classes on that day, but I must first have all financial obligations for the semester met. This will be a challenge, I am in some real need. I am confident that God will provide as He always has. Please pray that I remain confident in His provision and that I will glorify His name no matter the circumstance and no matter the result. God is good! "In all things God works for the good of those who love him..." - Romans 8:28
Ha, as I look back, I realize I gave a sermon and then gave very little detail about the past two weeks. I promise that I will have more to talk about next time. God is at work, as He always has been, and there are some things brewing around here, I can feel it.
I pray for all of you out there, and I thank God for you, as you all have affected my life so much and have been so instrumental in God's plan in my life. Thank you all for that, and thank you for taking the time to read this. May God bless you and give you peace.
-J
Today's verse... more like every day's verse... is Proverbs 16:9. I currently am staring at the content of this psalm written on a sticky note stuck to the shelf above where my computer sits right now:
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)
Take a moment to consider this proverb. I will not begin to consider whether this says anything concerning free will versus predestination, but I do consider what this proverb says about who is really in charge here. The final authority on ALL things is only God. Any dreams, fantasies, wills, wishes, or desires ultimately must go through God. Many of us talk about what we want to do or what we think we should do and then we invite God to come along with us and bless us in it, and further, we say we are doing it for His glory. Here is a question in my mind that I would like to present:
Do you think God wants to bless something that didn't come from Him?
Now hold on. I believe that God gives us passions and dreams that are good and worth giving effort toward, but I also believe that what we decide to pursue ought to begin with our total submission to God. Rather than attempting to dissect and decipher the hearts of any one or more individuals, I will leave you with my own situation...
I never once in my life wanted to be a teacher. There are numerous reasons for this, some are rational and some irrational, but here is a sampling of those reasons:
1) Relatively low pay for the amount of work you really have
2) Lots of time has to be spent after-hours outside of "work" preparing and maintaining
3) Responsibility
Now let me explain that last one. It is not accurate to say I hate having responsibility, because anyone who hates that should never choose to live on their own. What I really mean by that is that I am absolutely scared to death at the idea of students' lives and futures being affected and shaped by every little thing I do.
The point of all this is, I had never wanted to be a teacher, and these reasons (and there are more) were the ones that would have kept me out of it. But instead, I pursue a college degree and credentials so that I may spend years of my life in classrooms with students. Now to put my point of submission to God across, I will say that I am doing it mainly for these reasons:
1) God commanded us to love Him and love our neighbor as ourselves, and our love for God is made practical in our love for people
2) God commanded us to support the cause of the fatherless
3) God commanded us to go and make disciples of all nations and teach them to obey Jesus
4) The Bible instructs us to give cheerfully, abundantly, and sacrificially out of what has been given to us
Now let us be clear, I am not without passion and am not without dreams. I have discovered in my past six plus years of volunteering with Youth that I God has given me a heart and passion for teenagers. And dreams? Ever since I was a kid I have always had a Messiah complex where I wanted to make a difference and I wanted to be a hero in someone's life. The interesting thing is that my dream of heroism has been held my whole life, but my passion has been discovered and changed through my life experience. When I first surrender myself to who God is and what His expectations are, and then out of that I put my dreams and passions in perspective, I come away with a goal, a dream and passion from God to pursue. For me at the moment, that is to teach high schoolers. You know what I think is the best indication that you are in submission to Christ first before your dreams? When you are completely and comfortably willing to change as God changes you. When your whole world doesn't turn upside down at the notion that you may not end up doing what you are going to school for. When you are willing to change your whole life drastically to accommodate the change that God is doing in your life. These I can confidently say I have done, and am doing. It is only possible with Jesus that I can do this. God took me from a place of wretchedness to a place where I have purpose. That is only done by Him, and will only be done for His glory. Not for mine.
So now you see why I have that verse from Proverbs on a sticky note above where I do my schoolwork. I must always remember who really is in charge. I challenge you to always be thinking of that, always remembering that, and always challenging yourself and where you are at with that.
So I am almost at the halfway point of the semester, and I had the wonderful privilege of going home to Manteca to see my Calvary family and to wish off Pastor Tim as he moves on to a different ministry. This weekend was so fast, and almost seems like a dream sometimes, but it was so refreshing and so motivating. I came out of this weekend remembering that God's kingdom is not contained by walls or buildings or towns or nations, but that it is all around us and is within us. I had the chance to talk to some people about the things that have been going on in my life, and I had the wonderful privilege of being prayed for on numerous occasions. What a great weekend! Kendra got to be back for a while too, and her friend Marijke (pronounced Muh-rye-kuh) got to come experience a little bit of where Kendra and I came from. It was so good to see everyone, and I think of all the moments, one of the most memorable was the mobbing at the hands of the Junior Highers as I snuck in to youth on Thursday night. That was so awesome and so humbling. Who am I, that I should matter to these kids and adults? It was great to be a part of.
Now as the weekend has ended, and today I went back to class as normal, I look ahead with some anxiousness, wonder, question, and excitement. I know that within two months of today I will be at home for a month long break, and that will also mean halfway through the school year, and one quarter of the way to my immediate goal of a College degree! How exciting. Now if I could just get over this cold I picked up...
October 25th is coming up, and it is a really important date for me. I am able to register for classes on that day, but I must first have all financial obligations for the semester met. This will be a challenge, I am in some real need. I am confident that God will provide as He always has. Please pray that I remain confident in His provision and that I will glorify His name no matter the circumstance and no matter the result. God is good! "In all things God works for the good of those who love him..." - Romans 8:28
Ha, as I look back, I realize I gave a sermon and then gave very little detail about the past two weeks. I promise that I will have more to talk about next time. God is at work, as He always has been, and there are some things brewing around here, I can feel it.
I pray for all of you out there, and I thank God for you, as you all have affected my life so much and have been so instrumental in God's plan in my life. Thank you all for that, and thank you for taking the time to read this. May God bless you and give you peace.
-J
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