And the second lap...

Hello everyone, thanks for reading my blog again, I pray that as you read this you are in good spirits.

There is this funny thing that happens sometimes, most notably in sports, that I am about to acknowledge.  Let's take football, for example, since I love it so much.  Out of the entire game, the second quarter seems to be the most meaningless quarter of the game.  What exciting things happen in the second quarter?  Nearing it's end is no big deal because you just get ready for another two quarters that follow it.  It isn't the beginning of the game, so it doesn't carry the energy of the first kickoff.  There isn't as much tension as teams aren't trying to set the tone of their club in the second quarter.  Lets go outside of football.  Basketball's second quarter?  The second inning of a baseball game? The second lap of a mile-long race?  The second round of the PGA tour?  Yeah, second just doesn't carry very much excitement.  So what do we, the bystanders, do?  We channel surf, we walk away for some more pizza or soda, we turn off the tv completely (in the case of golf, they do us a favor and don't air the second round outside the Golf Channel anyway).  Yeah, the second round isn't that big a deal to us.

Yet, those of us who are in races, games, contests, struggles, we have the burden of caring about each lap, each quarter, each moment.  We don't have the luxury of leaving our stations and idly stand by as things just happen without a care.  Or at least, we shouldn't have that luxury.  

I even find myself in this lull right now.  The first quarter of the semester has gone by, and I had done well to this point at making sure I was done with homework on time (mostly early), and I was making sure that any other obligations of my classes were being completed in a timely manner.  Now here came this past weekend.  I had worked extremely hard preparing a paper and presentation for my Civil War class, and all I could think of after I gave it was how I was taking at least a 24 hour hiatus from any and all homework...

... Bad idea.  Yeah, I worked really hard on that project, but I prioritized it so much that I completely misplaced any recollection of other projects and homework.  I completely forgot that I had to read all of the book of Numbers for my OT class and notes and a paper for my English class by Monday, and also that I had two papers due Tuesday and Wednesday, and also that I needed to study like crazy for a quiz on Tuesday.  All this realization coming to me, by the way, on Sunday. 

What?  Where did the weekend go?  Now that I am getting used to where I am at and the reality of what I am doing, things are beginning to speed up like crazy.  It was almost 5 weeks ago that I first came to Simpson and it feels like just yesterday.  We are on the eve of October.  With a breath we have seen the first month of school fly by.

It has been a September of mixed feelings.  At times I have felt extreme joy, overwhelming sorrow, rock-hard determination, piercing fear, freeing peace, crushing bitterness, gleaming satisfaction, and darkening frustration.  Often I have wondered where God was in things, and other times I wouldn't let Him go.  He has spoken to me and he has been silent to me.  He has given me reason to shout, and he has hushed me in silence.  I have argued with God, and I have pleaded with God.  It has been extremely tough at times... and I actually can't say it has been real easy at any points.  Yet I know that at the very least my heart is for God.  Otherwise, I don't believe these things would be happening the way they have.

I heard a sermon on Sunday night where the man speaking said something along this line: "...when you choose to make Jesus your Lord, then you show up as a blip on the enemy's radar."  The enemy is a thief.  He comes to kill, steal, and destroy, yet Jesus has come that we may have life, and to the full.  One of my more recent struggles has been causing me to be legalistic in terms of my faith.  I have talked myself somehow into thinking that faith has to come by a certain measure; I operate as if I have to do enough of this or not do enough of that in order that my faith may be proven and therefore that God will intervene based on this "faith."  I try to rely on nobody.  Instead, I present myself to the Lord and I declare that my faith is in Him, and that I trust that He is in control and that He will provide and that He will protect, yet in the process I am strangling my faith with worry and doubt, and I am turning away those of the faith that He may send to my aid.  I have come to realize that I have succumbed to too many of Satan's lies.  But how do I let go?  How do I put that fully into God's hands?  One of the things I have been praying about lately is that He will help me and teach me to let go, and that He will help me and teach me to love and have faith.  It has been tough, and often times I find myself falling into the trap of doubt and despair.  Yet I know in my mind that He is Lord and that when I give Him my life, He will take care of me and guide me into all righteousness.  Now that is the problem.  I cannot say for any certainty that my heart knows it, otherwise, I would not be typing these words right now.  

These things have shown up lately in my life, when it comes to school and daily living.  I count on God, and sometimes he does not answer in the way I desire.  I am blind to many of the blessings in my life, but all around me I see prosperity in those that do not live to do God's work.  I become frustrated and angry, and bitterness creeps within.  I allow myself to be extremely sensitive to the way people handle objects and situations that I have had to deal with in my life.  When a person with their comment makes light of something that should be handled with care and a serious attitude, it bothers me greatly, and I complain to God as to how some nitwit could have been given the opportunity instead of me.  These are trying times.  I get so caught up in how to say things so as to not be too suggestive, and I do not know how to ask for help without feeling like I am begging.  Yet I feel the Lord stirring within me.  A slow process, it will probably be for me, but I know that God is molding me and changing me.  I know that He will do what is right.  I am thankful that He IS working, and not thinking about working or about to work.  I am thankful that He has blessed me so much already.

I believe that it is hard to sit down and be real with yourself and count your blessings.  I think that goes against the very nature of who we are as human beings.   I mean, if we really remember and consider all that God has done for us, then how can we complain?  How can we act like we deserve more or better?  The thing is, in view of God's mercy to us, what can we really ask for?  We like to have God meet some strict quotas for our lives and then we like to gently usher Him out of our life so that we can make our own decisions, follow our own dreams, and do the things that we think we ought to be able to do.  I cannot even begin to formulate a list of the people I know that have their bucket lists and their dreams and their notions of what men/women should be able to do, and it bothers me so much that people put their views in front of God's views.  It makes me angry actually. But sometimes I just sit and let them do what they do or say what they say.  Who am I, that I should tell them what is right and wrong thinking?  I simply present this:

If you are giving reason (for anything) and you begin with "Because I think," "Because I feel," or "Because I want," then stop, and start thinking about what will honor, glorify, or reflect God.

I am convinced that when you stop and consider these things, God will lay on your heart what is right.  The problem is, people don't want to believe that God would tell them to not do something that they want to do.  I am convinced that doing it this way is the right thing. How often do you think we hear our own voice rather than the voice of God?  Just a thought.

But I digress.  I press on in the struggle to do what is right and to trust God.  I have a couple weeks coming up where I must travel for school and, God willing, for the sake of blessing my loved ones.  I have a financial commitment to the school I attend.  I have bills to pay.  I have homework to keep up on.  I have relationships to build and relationships to maintain.  I have a mission to undertake.  How I will do these things, I do not know.  But I strive to cling to my Lord and seek His wisdom, peace, joy, and thankfulness, and I am confident that things we be fulfilled in their appropriate time.  

The love of Christ is for all!  "We love because He first loved us," and "...because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions."  Know that the Lord who created all and is above all, the One who saves us from our bondage, loves you.  I pray that you will rest in the comfort of His love.  I pray that more than anything in the whole world, that your life will be a living testimony of the love that He has given you.  May the Holy Spirit fill you and dwell closely within you, and may the glory of God shine through you.  Do not be led astray by the lies of the world we live in, but be comforted by the promises of life through He that makes life possible!  Let us deny ourselves, pick up our crosses, and follow the Teacher in all His ways.  May the road we walk lead away from death and into life!  This is my charge to you.

Keep me in your prayers, that I may grow in faith and virtue and love, and that I will be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I can be a living sign of His glory.  Let the Holy Spirit work within you.  Answer the call when the Lord speaks to you.  May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you, and may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.  I send my love and my regards.

-J

Not a Sprint

Hello to you all, thank you for tuning in this time.  I pray that at the time you read this you are in good spirits, and my hope is that, when you are done reading this, you will come away more cheerful and that you may praise God for who He is and what He has done.

I have now been in classes for two solid weeks, and tomorrow is the start of the third.  My classes are relatively easy, considering the grief I have recieved over the years concerning the "not-real-college" education I recieved during my time at MJC.  Quite honestly, the hardest class would appear to be the class I had assumed would be the easiest: History 1500- Intro to History. 

What, what?

Yes, you read that correctly.  INTRO TO HISTORY!  I have two upper division History classes (one 3000 level, one 4000 level, for those of you keeping score) and those pale in comparison to this intro class.  Much of it has to do with the level of work that will be expected of me in this class.  It will require a small number of papers that grow in size as the semester goes on, and it will also require me to spend a number of hours outside the classroom in a museum archive room handling documents and artifacts.  There is a requirement for me to attend an event thats being held at the school in October.  I have completed one of the essays so far, and what a headache!  The rest of the classes are a cakewalk compared to this one.  But I digress.  I am excited for my Civil War and Reconstruction class; I believe it will be my favorite class this semester, and maybe for my whole time at Simpson.  One of my favorite times in American History, and I get a whole class on it!  I guess that's not exciting to some of you. 

This semester I am getting myself back to some older, better habits, as far as studying and homework goes.  I had to dig deep, way back to before high school, to remember and put into practice the things I used to do for school.  Mind you, that was over 10 years ago!  Whatever the case may be, it is working for me to this point.  I have done my homework, right away most of the time, long before any of it is due.  How did this practice allude me for so long?!  I am a lot less stressed now that I remember being in High school and my early college years. I hope to continue these better habits as the semester and year goes on.

The first two and a half weeks of college have been up and down.  The first weekend was a trying experience.  I am not a guy that likes to be forced into group activity, and I care even less for things that don't appear to have any real significance or meaning in life, but I participated in numerous group activities.  One in particular was called the FYE games.  I was not happy to be part of this!  When we did it, I ended up going and getting in the pool and having to swim for part of the competition (and many of you know how I despise being in water).  Some would say that I don't give things a chance, and I understand that sentiment.  But I am also 24 years old, not 17 or 18, and I have lived life outside my parents' house for more than four years, so I don't consider that I need a weekend of thrill and games to make friends or be able to handle going to school.  I actually spent much of my time when I wasn't cheering or participating (yes, I was a good sport though I didn't want to participate) observing those around me, and I had a few interesting things come to mind.  The first being, we are supposedly all Christians at this school, and yet I wondered how many of them cheer for Jesus the way they would scream and holler for points in a game (I actually had to consider this fact of my own life too, quite humbling).  The second was how these games had no bearing in life whatsoever, yet many behave as if it was be-all, end-all.  Added to that was how many acted like winning was everything; there were also those that acted like they didn't care about whether they won or lost (though conversations that kept pointing back to how their team won/lost would indicate they really did think it meant something), and those who didn't seem to care at all, but that it was just something to do.  I ended up being very frustrated all weekend, and I simply was just wanting my classes to start, since the reason I was going to school was for an education, and not to go play around (what a thought!).  Ever since then, I have mostly put my concentration on school, making sure I have things lined up, and making sure I have everything I need. 

I often find myself feeling quite lonely, a man with no identity and no friends in a place far from home (well, not really that far).  Luckily, Kendra is up here, and so are a number of people who have been pretty kind to me so far.  I am in an interesting place, where I have gone from a home where I had a role and an identity to a place where I have no identity and seemingly no role.  My eyes are open and I am constantly trying to be mindful of where God is pointing.  There have already been a few individuals that He has stuck out in my eyes and mind, whom I will probably begin my discipleship project with.  God is teaching me (slowly) to be willing to lead, but also to be willing to follow.  For so long I have done a lot of leading, which is good, however all of us need to be followers sometimes, and ultimately of Jesus always.  Please pray that I listen to God and that I will lead when I must lead and follow when I must follow.  And also pray that I will be strong and courageous and go to battle in the name of Christ, walking with others and being walked with by others.  A number of guys and myself had a prayer/testimony time with each other a few days ago which was very cool, and it gave me great encouragement. Even now, God is using my story of redemption to touch people that I barely know.  I hope this may continue!

Being that it was the middle of the month, I had to make another school payment by today.  I had some help, it is amazing how brothers and sisters in Christ stepped up even before I left and made a difference.  I also was helped by my parents. God has blown me away in so many ways this past month.  I credit God first, and then everyone else for their faithfulness not to me and what I do, but to God and what He will do with and within me.  It hasn't always been easy, though I would suppose that it should be by now with how much God has done in my life.  Sometimes it is hard because many people here have a lot more than I do, as far as financially and possessions go.  I will turn down going out to eat because I pay the school for a small meal plan, and I can't afford to go spend money on meals elsewhere.  Many have an influx of money that just shows up every so often because a parent or relative gives it to them.  Many of these people have never had to ask for help in their whole life, because things were always just there for them to take.  These are things I am not accustomed to and do not understand what they are like, and so at times I get frustrated.  But I must be careful, I do not want to covet or envy.  I would suppose that one of the hardest things in life is the fact that people just can't fully understand each other.  Anyway, I am going to begin applying for jobs up here in Redding so that I may bring some sort of income in.  I know that God will provide exactly what I need and exactly at the right time, this last month has proven that even as He has proven Himself for my whole life.  God's kind of funny, and He loves to show off.  It is always those moments of hopelessness where God shows up in a big way, as if to do it on purpose so that we would KNOW that HE IS GOD!  Whatever the course of the next few months may be, please pray that God will continue to open doors for me, and that He will provide what is best and right for me.  And if I am to get a job, pray that I will maintain a primary focus on school, so that my education and the reason I am up here may not be hindered.  And also pray that my eyes will be open to the blessings that He pours out to us daily.

I love getting in the Word!  I am in Ezekiel right now.  I am proud to say that after Ezekiel, I will only have to read Joel, Amos, and Song of Songs and I will have read the entire Old testament, and therefore the whole Bible!  Not to be proud necessarily of myself accomplishing anything, but I find great joy in opening the Word of God.  Many times I cannot put it down, and I don't want to.  I think the Old Testament is my favorite because of how much it shows God's character, and the ways He continues to love us and shield us in spite of our sin, and how even when He brings destruction on Israel and Judah, it grieves Him to do so, and He does not take any pleasure in death and wants us to have life.  So awesome.  God truly is the best.  I don't know a single person that would love the way God does, and I would suppose that is the point!  I pray that I will not be satisfied once I have read it all, but that I will continue to read and re-read, that His word may be written on my heart. 

Thank you for reading!  I will hopefully be able to update again soon.  I hope this has given a glimpse into how life has been so far.

To my family in Modesto and Arizona, and to my family at Calvary in Manteca, I love you and miss you!  Not a day goes by that I don't think of all of you.  I thank God for each of you and for how I have been blessed to call you my brothers and sisters.  May you speak for Jesus boldly, may you praise Him when you hear how I walk with Him and learn from Him, and may you yourselves walk closely with Him.

Grace and peace to all, I love you!

-J