What Graduation Means to Me

Failure.

Today I walked across the stage at Simpson University and claimed my status as a college graduate. I heard my name called: "Justin Micah Price Thomason, with highest honors!" There were people out in the crowd that cheered for me as I walked across the stage and shook the hand of the university President. 

Me?

During the last two years, I have sought knowledge and wisdom, both academic and biblical, and I have been determined to demonstrate that I am capable of such tasks as doing papers and taking tests. I have spent many hours in the library, countless nights awake and accompanied by coffee, and had a fair share of outside tasks to attend to. Through these two years I resolved to not give up and to work hard.

Me?

In my own eyes, I have never done anything but fail. Fail as a son. Fail as a friend. Fail as a student. Fail as a Christian. Fail as a boyfriend. Fail as an athlete. Fail as a cousin/grandson/nephew/etc. Fail as an employee. You get the idea.

Failure.

I could point to numerous instances of failure in my life. I have failed to make sports teams. I have failed to get jobs done. I have failed to do my homework or pass classes. I have failed to keep in touch with my relatives. I have failed to continue friendships which have now long passed. 

As I reflect on this, I realize that at some point I realized that failure hurts. Whatever it was, whether sports, academics, relationships or anything else, failure meant that you were not good enough. In 1997, when I was in the second grade, my family moved to Danville, Illinois. On my first day at school (which was already into the school year), we had a spelling test. Upon receiving my results, I had red marks all over the page. I spelled the words correctly, but I did not use the same letter-writing style that they learned at that school. In 2000, when I was a sixth grader at Nile Garden, I did not make the flag football team. I loved football, and since age 5 (while living in Nebraska) I wanted nothing more than to play football at the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. But the roster was released, and I was nowhere to be found. I tried my hardest, and some said it was because they only allowed a certain number of sixth graders on the team. But I knew the real reason: it was because I was not good enough. These are just two stories out of many.

In 2004, when I moved to North Carolina, as a sophomore in high school, I decided to try my luck with the football team again. I emailed the coach and arranged to come to practice one day, in the assumption that I would obviously be on the team at some point and play in games. I went to the first practice, and in the first hour I got so overwhelmed and exhausted to the point where I could not think or breathe. In one circumstance, I went the wrong direction on a stance drill and collided with another player. The coach, being a coach, yelled at us to get up and told us we had to do up-downs because I went the wrong way. The other players tried to reason with the coach that I was new and did not know any better, but he still made us do it nonetheless. Afterward, in exhaustion, I walked with my head down to the coach and told him "I don't think I can do this, I need to go sit." So I went and sat down. Some of the players looked at me while they did drills and walked past. I sat there for about thirty minutes, and then thought these words out loud to myself:

I cannot fail.

Seems like the beginning of an inspirational story. I stood up and started walking. But I walked back to the locker room back toward the school, where I located my mom's cell phone that she let me borrow to let her know when to pick me up, and I called her and very calmly told her that I could get picked up. She came and got me, and asked me how it went. I remember saying, as straight-faced as I could muster: "it was alright, but it wasn't very fun. I do not think I want to go anymore." 

I used to wear glasses at that time. I had accidentally left my glasses in the coach's office when I was getting fitted for pads and a helmet. The next day, I walked into the coach's office, where he said "what do you need, Justin?" I replied: "Sorry, I forgot my glasses here yesterday." He gave them to me. That was the last time I saw him. Students from the team that were in my classes asked me later, "where did you go yesterday? Are you going to come back?" And my answer was: "No, I will not be back. I left because I realized I am unable to play because of health problems." You know what? Whenever my past involvement with athletics is brought up, I still will tell people that same thing. I still tell people that I did not play sports because my body was not cut out for it.

The truth is that at some point I resolved that I could not allow myself to fail again. But, in order to not fail, it meant I needed to stop doing things. I only would do things that I knew how to do. I only wanted to answer things that I already knew the answer to. I only knew that I could not allow myself to fail. I am not saying that I chose that moment to start telling myself this, but I believe this to be the first time I actually put this into practice. I decided that I had to make sure I was good enough, so I would never put myself in a position where I could ever be evaluated.

And what since then? I choose to not call people or places on the phone, such as businesses, institutions, or anything of the sort. If I play a game of NCAA Football on my video game system and am about to lose, I quit the game before it is over and shut it off so that it does not save the game. When I took classes at Modesto Junior College and did not remember to stay on top of my online work or if I was not doing well in the class, I would drop the class, even if it gave me a W. I do not try new things. I do not like swimming because I do not feel that I am good enough in appearance to wear swim attire. I do not like peer-editing or group work in school because I feel that I will not be smart enough for everyone else. I do not like going to the weight room or gym when there are others also there because I am embarrassed that I am not strong enough or skilled enough. I have tried to write music or literature or draw pictures but I give up and/or fail to show anybody because I do not think they will be good enough for anyone else.

I am too afraid to fail somebody that I fail everybody. I have missed weddings, graduations, and all the like, because I did not want to deviate from something I knew already. I wanted to be good enough for my boss, or my church, or my girlfriend, or my family that I often times would alienate many others. I have fallen into sin and temptations because I did not want to disappoint anybody.

I feel less-than because today, at the age of 26, I graduated with a four-year bachelor's degree that I should have achieved four years ago. Because I am six years past the age my parents were at when they got married, and I am not married still. 

I told somebody yesterday that I hated graduation ceremonies. I also mentioned that I hated weddings. I become very very cynical at these types of events, and sometimes it is because I dislike a lot of the cliche and ceremonial things. But deep down I think the reason I dislike them is because every time I attend one, or even hear about one, it is salt into an open wound. It reminds me that I have failed.

What does graduation mean to me?

Well, it means nothing . . . 

What does graduation prove? I spent two years to finish a degree, but I have witnessed multitudes of people skating by. Many, myself included, have gone through classes without a care in the world as to what we are actually learning and have approached it as just the means to a job. Just the means to a piece of paper. Many of us have procrastinated because, really, education just is not that important to us for us to spend time diligently working toward degrees. That's why we spend sleepless nights out at Denny's or in the library or in our lobbies. Sure, we have other worries, such as leadership, work, or other functions. But how much time do we waste on other things? And we have the nerve to get mad at our professors for assigning us work?! God forbid it, that we might actually have to work hard for our degree! Many of us spend our college career developing patterns of compartmentalization, prioritization, and procrastination that condition us to believe that some things just are not worth our time, and that to go above and beyond what is expected is something we do not have "time" or "energy" or "money" for. We push and prod our professors to make things as easy as possible, whether it be moving test dates, giving us study guides so that we do not have to work as hard to study, or cancelling homework or classes. And so even the least-deserving among us can come away with a college degree. But even when you move past that, what does a degree do for you? Gets you a better job? More money? Prestige? Maybe so, but many people with degrees end up not "using" them in their careers, and just because you get a degree does not make you a better person. So what if I have a diploma? Does that make me any better or worse than the next man or woman? 

. . . but graduation also means everything. 

I did not deserve to be walking across that stage today. I was not a good student in high school or my junior college years. I did not seek to highly achieve in anything, especially academics. I failed so many times and had a low GPA and was on a path to nowhere. I also was not a Christ follower. I was a self-proclaimed Jesus claimer but I did not submit my life to Him yet. But I was granted the second chance at living for Christ. And another few years later, I was additionally given a second chance in academics, and I was given the opportunity to go to Simpson. It was a time to start fresh. It was a time to be renewed, a time to demonstrate exactly what I was capable of. 

And two years later?

"Justin Micah Price Thomason, with Highest Honors!"

School was going to cost me. And it did. It cost me a lot of money, a lot of time, and a ton of comfort. I had no money to begin with and I was somehow supposed to take anything I got and spend it in order to go to school. School mean that I needed to spend time in classes, time studying, time doing homework and and time writing papers. Going to Simpson meant that I needed to walk away from what was comfortable in my living situation. It meant leaving a job that paid me well, it meant leaving a comfortable house, it meant giving up my own car. Going to Simpson meant I needed to leave my church family that I had grown so close to, even if it was for only a period of time. I had to spend time away from the relationships I had built and leave behind the comfortable patterns and routines of my life. So many times I wanted to stop school so I could go back to the way things used to be. So that I could be comfortable. But I did not give up, and I learned to trust in the Lord for strength.

Going to school cost me my pride. I was always the one that gave people money and helped people through their situation. I was proud that I could help, almost proud to the point where helping people was a point of prestige for me, even though I did not announce to the crowds that I was giving so much. But at school, I had nothing. I had no money, no house, no car of my own, and I had to accept the meals, the gifts, the cash, or anything else that was given to me. I had to learn that I also need help. So often I wanted to stop going to school so that I could stop being everyone's charity case. But I have learned to allow God to humble me and bring me low, that I may learn to accept His sovereignty and control, and that I may know that He is the provider of all.

And, in the process of going to school, God has taught me that He is always there to catch us when we fall. He has shown me that there is redemption. Our identity is not in what we see in ourselves or in what others see of us, but in the fullness and goodness and likeness of Jesus. Our God looks upon us with delight, as a father delights in the son which he loves so much. Failure does not define who we are. It simply reminds us of how far we have come. By the strength and goodness of God I may keep persisting though I do not know everything and though I cannot always succeed. When I sat at my computer and looked at the screen, dreading the ensuing hours and wondering whether or not I could make it through, the Father was still standing in front of me with His arms wide open, waiting for me to embrace Him as I walked forward in my tasks.

God does not scold us when we fail. We may receive punishment, we may feel the consequences of our actions, but God will never forsake us. But when we succeed, when we set our minds on what is above and we do our best with what we have been given, our Father lifts us up and celebrates with us. Imagine the elation of a young child as his father throws him up into the air and catches him over and over. Imagine the satisfaction of the child at the fact that his father delights in him. Imagine the joy the father feels at the sight of his smiling, laughing, joyful son. And now imagine that this celebration was just because the child finally learned to walk. Makes you wonder what tomorrow could be like.

And so, what does graduation mean to me? It is proof to myself that I am not a failure. That I am worthwhile.

And now that I have learned to walk, I pray that I may throw off all the rest of the things that have entangled me, that tomorrow may be a new day of renewal and renovation of my heart. That it will be another step toward healing as well as another step toward Christ-likeness. 

"Justin Micah Price Thomason, with Highest Honors!"

Me. Still so hard to believe.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

Perspective

Hello everyone, it has been a while since I posted my long draft exploring Matthew 13. Wow that was a long read. I imagine that this is one of the reasons why nobody reads!!

Part of the reason for my writing tonight is that I am in a strange place where I have completed all of the homework I need to do for the week, but I have some stuff happening this week and next week that I don't feel up to starting. I am thinking a lot about perspective, as the title of this blog suggests. No, it is not third-person or first-person. No, it is not linear perspective or other spatial perspectives. It concerns, rather, looking at something with a different mentality.

As a good Relient K song has said: "Perspective is a lovely hand to hold."

Today, I had a dental appointment, and it was to get an extraction done on a tooth that got a root canal long ago. Basically, the tooth was never finished properly and so, a few weeks ago, remaining sections of tooth chipped off. Upon my initial visit to the dentist, it was confirmed that there would be no saving the tooth, and that it would need to be removed. Today's procedure was just that, and they also put in some bone graft so that, if I should so choose, I can get an implant put in.

A few weeks ago, my roommate discovered bug or two crawling on his pillow. He was confused and, due to the size of the bugs, thought it was just a case of some bugs that managed to get into our room and at that particular point happened to be on his pillow. Fast forward to a few days ago. I was sitting in our first-floor lobby preparing for a few extra hours-worth of homework, and he was getting ready to go to bed. As I began to take notes on my readings, my disgruntled roommate comes out and says "you're not going to believe this. I found them." In my confused curiosity, I got up and walked into our room where, to my dismay, he discovered not just a few bugs, but probably dozens of the exact same bugs on his bedframe. A closer inspection revealed that these were not the only bugs, in fact, they were just the biggest ones. Our inspection showed that there were probably hundreds of smaller, hard-to-see bugs on his bed, and probably hundreds of what appeared to be small eggs in the crevices and cracks of his wooden bed frame. Long story short, after checking my bed and other parts of the room, we essentially confirmed that we had a case of bed bugs. We slept on the floor that night. Yesterday and today we were tasked with washing all clothes, bagging and sealing all items in our room, and prepping for pest-control that will prevent us from inhabiting that space for the next week and a half.

Over the next few weeks, I am tasked with giving a presentation at our Student Research Symposium, doing three fundraisers for my WorldSERVE team, and performing a plethora of other functions either for homework, TA work, or other tasks that come up (like the last-second Driver's License Renewal that I did last week).

Did I mention my birthday was Sunday, bringing with it the mixture of hope, happiness, anxiety, stubbornness, wit, attitude, and apathy that comes along with it? I did have a good day, as far as doing homework most of the day was concerned. But, I did get to spend it with Kendra, and going to Red Robin with her was just right. Yet, I always feel unsettled about my birthday, because I'm too stubborn and driven to prove a point that I won't display the date or talk about it, and then because in some sense I do want people to genuinely care.

Perspective is a lovely hand to hold.

I realize that things could be a lot worse for me.

Yes, I had that problem where I needed to go to the dentist, but then again, I have the luxury of doing so, and yet I often neglect going to one (this is typically because of money, and let's face it, insurance only goes so far if you literally have NO money). The point of this is that, regardless of my decisions or circumstances, there is great access to medical care in this country. In fact, we are blessed that it is any profession at all. I made a joke a few days ago, saying "I just take comfort in the fact that the apostle Paul probably had really bad teeth too." And that is probably true. I am in a lot of pain right now, but that is due to having something removed. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have mouth problems and have absolutely no solution other than just yanking something out or rubbing something on it to see what happens. Never in my life have I been proud of the way my teeth looked, but I imagine that even just a few hundred years ago (and TODAY in some countries) teeth have just not looked so hot.

In some ways the very act of going to the dentist and getting a tooth yanked is SO MUCH of what the chosen path of life is like for myself and for many others. There is something inside of us that aches, or something that is broken, yet we simply try to overlook it, or we play it down like it is not that much of a problem. Or perhaps it will cost us too much to get looked at, so we don't bother. Yet these things fester and get worse. They become infections. Getting this tooth out was really uncomfortable, from the initial visit all the way through the operation, and it hurts like the dickens right now, but it was necessary to remove something that was wrong.

The bed bugs are an interesting thing because we are required to bag everything up and only take with us (after washing and inspecting) what we need to live and do school for the next week and half. I have thought long about this the last few days. The issue I have is that my roommate and I have probably the cleanest room in our entire Residence Hall (not simply my own testimony, everyone that has heard about it has made similar statements), and so we have been thinking, "Why us?"

I am trying to remember that of all the pest problems in the world, bed bugs might actually not be that bad. For one, I'm pretty sure I killed a black widow in my room the other day, so I imagine that if there were spiders infesting my room I would be enrolled in APU already. If it were termites, we probably would have broken our beds (and they may have been in the walls, too). If it were mice, well, that's just gross. In addition, I think of places in the world where people have fleas, bedbugs, mice, and other critters all the time. I imagine people that live in countries where, if they get some sort of wound, they can get bugs in their wounds. I think of when people get worms because of bad sanitation or bad food. Gosh, my problem doesn't really seem that bad. Actually, I realize I am more upset about having to do the work to pack stuff up and live in a different place.

And what shall I say about the things to be done in the next few weeks? Everyone has their share of work.

I am not the only one who is busy, or who is going through things. I think that is something that we forget today. We act like our problems are so great and as if we were the only ones going through anything. We become impatient with each other, we become easily angered. We say things we don't mean, and then we chalk it up to "having a lot on my mind," or "going through a lot," or "I'm just tired and busy." Having problems is not a ticket to mistreatment of others, it ought to be an opportunity to let someone else help, or be there. Sometimes, we tell ourselves (or others) that we don't want to burden other people with our problems. Why are we so arrogant? So, are we saying that people won't be able to handle life if we share with them this insanely huge thing we are carrying? As if to say that our problems are so great that they sway all of creation? What a lack of humility we have!

All this stuff is going down, but I must do my best to keep my eyes on God most of all. Because Perspective is a lovely hand to hold.  And God's perspective for me is this: Keep your eyes on God, keep sight of what is eternal and do your best to live for the eternal. You do this by being a witness to who God is and what He has done, and by acknowledging his Lordship in all things and adding people to that number. And so, maybe I am one tooth down. But maybe that one tooth being gone gives me a chance to share the kingdom with someone.

And this is my hope: that I may be kingdom minded. I hope that, whether it is going through financial hardship, whether it is a burden I am carrying, whether I am being persecuted, or whether I am facing death, that I might stand up for righteousness and that I might be counted worthy of the Gospel of Jesus. Because if I approach all things with that perspective, then I always have the right perspective because I am always seeing clearly: right to God.

If I may share some prayer requests...

I am coming up on a financial deadline for WorldSERVE, and so I ask that you pray that God provides as He sees fit; that he will touch hearts to give and that he will give me arms strong for the tasks ahead to earn money.

Further on finances, outside of the trip, I am having to pay one more payment for school, so I need to make sure I have about $350 to cover that. So whether through funding from someone, or through TA hours, please pray that God will also provide this.

Please pray for my WorldSERVE team, that we may love each other better and ultimately love God more. Pray that we will continue to diligently prepare, and always giving 100% throughout the process.

Please pray for my home church, Calvary Community, as they embark on a number of changes. Pray for good attitudes and hearts that are aligned to Christ, so that people may not simply accept or reject things.

Please pray for my health and for my studies, and that I will finish out the school year strong and get things ready to embark on post-grad work!

Thank you. My love to all of you in Christ

-J

An Exploration of Matthew 13's Parable of Weeds

What I have decided to do tonight is explore a concept that is not so easily understood in today's western Christianity. I have long considered how best to approach subjects such as these, and rather than do small blurbs on Facebook that have no meat to them, I want to write longer expositions about these things, where I am free to go into greater detail (and whoever wants to read them will actually do so). Before I begin, I want to emphasize that much of what I talk about is the subject of much personal reflection. There is not a single concept that I consider important for others and not for myself. It is important to understand this, because I can foresee confusion and, as a result, perhaps some anger or frustration, that will lead to responses that are ill-thought. If you come out of these things challenged, convicted, or at least thoughtful, that's all I can hope for. My purpose is not to condemn, confound, or accuse. What I seek is understanding, and I hope that doing this will be a helpful way to explain what I am thinking through and will help you think more about these subjects.

One of the worst things that I have seen these days is people sitting in churches all over simply accepting whatever is said. Or worse, there are those church-hoppers or once-a-month/year attendees that find a reason to disagree just so that they don't have to commit or can find a reason to ignore what God is actually about. I have noticed much of the former, and tried hard myself to not be the latter. Oddly enough, there is quite a lot wrong with much of the teachings today, because we have come to a point where we are convinced of offering truth in the most plush, comforting way possible. Yet, we should not be too instantly critical, nor should we back out at any sign of wrong. Thing is, if we all were to stop attending a church for something that was not communicated or acted upon exactly to biblical standard, we would never go to any church, ever. No church is perfect. I do, however, want to take the opportunity to rebuke, correct, and teach to the best of my ability. Now, back to my first comment about people that accept anything they hear for a moment. I may venture to say that these people are more harmful to the church than those who object, argue, or question. The thing is, we need to not so readily accept what we hear, lest we become the same people that the New Testament writers warned against. Everything needs to be tested by Scripture and by God's word to us all. I might consider that God will give us a Spirit of understanding and wisdom if we ask Him to and if we approach Him in all earnestness and love, not for selfish reasons. Thus, what I am doing here is looking just at Scripture and trying to understand the main points of it all. I want to discern what it is trying to say, and I want to ask questions and explore possibilities. I will do my best to clearly explain my thoughts, and I also will clearly note when I am giving my own opinion on things. The point is, here are some things to think about, and I hope you will find it in your hearts to take all the matters of God seriously, and that it may lead you to a deeper understanding of and relationship with God.

One last thing, as I alluded in the opening sentence. This subject is not easily understood anymore, and it amazes me that we understand so little about it, considering Jesus goes through so much trouble to tell us so much about it. The subject is the Kingdom of God.

First up for tonight, to make things interesting, is the Parable of the Weeds. This one I want to tackle first because of a conversation I had with my roommate about this. Here is the text of the Weeds parable (NIV):

Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared. The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?' 'An enemy did this,' he replied. The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.'" . . . He answered, "The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the people of the kingdom. The weeds are the people of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Whoever has ears, let them hear."

A pretty relevant illustration for the time. There are some things to note right off the bat. Jesus explains his parable, so we have some of the work done for us here. The sower is the Son of Man. We could go into many different explanations of what Jesus meant by "Son of Man." It is a reference to the "one like a son of man" from the Old Testament book of Daniel. One explanation of this is that Jesus uses the word to describe himself and his person. In this sense, Jesus himself would be saying that the wheat that has been sown is all sown by him, which is another indication of the idea of the three-in-one God. Another explanation is that "Son of Man" is a reference to Israel, or perhaps what Israel was supposed to be. The grounds for this are based in connections between the books of Isaiah, Daniel, and Psalms. Israel tended to understand themselves as God's son, or child. This explanation is a bit provocative, because it implies Israel's former occupation as the kingdom of priests. As we understand, Israel was intended to bless other nations by its relationship to God. So, if this was Jesus' intent by using "Son of Man," then we might understand Israel (or now, those who are followers of Christ) as the ones sowing the good seed, thereby creating more people of the kingdom. Whichever you prefer, what is obvious is that there is a field (the world) that has good seed (people of the kingdom) sown throughout. There is also an enemy (the devil) that sows weeds. A quick word here, weeds are useless. They are not pretty, so they do not contribute to the beauty of the world, and you do not harvest them to eat them, so they do not contribute to food. All of this, plus they take up nutrients that are supposed to help the wheat (or other crops, for that matter) grow and they can choke out the good plants. So we have here a pretty clear picture of good sowing good things and evil sowing bad things.

The next thing that Jesus explains is that, at the harvest, the weeds (everything that causes sin and all who do evil) are first pulled up, bundle, and thrown into the fire, while the wheat (the righteous) will be gathered into the barn (shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father). Again, there are some pretty clear things that we can take from this. There are two clear distinctions of people, and there are two clear destinations for people that fit into the distinctions. There is fire for the people who do evil and cause sin, and there is the kingdom for those who are righteous. Without sounding too much like the streetcorner preacher with fire and brimstone, I must conclude that there is a heaven, or eternal paradise, and there is a hell, or a place of eternal damnation. There is also clearly an end of the world, or an end of the age, as it was said in the passage. From this, we can conclude a few things about this picture. First, no, the idea of "hell" is not the chaos, pain-ridden world we live in now. Not even close. Second, it appears that the righteous and sinful are handled at the end of the age, or at the end of the world. It may appear to some that this is indication or proof of purgatory, but it is not (more on this later).

Now, we come to the portion that might make people feel a little uncomfortable. It is at this point that, in order to explore different options or to give answers, I will also reference other parts of Scripture for insight. I mentioned that it is clear that there are two beings that sow two different kinds of people. The question, then, is this: if we are "planted," does that mean that we have no free will? Are we predestined to be either sown as wheat or sown as weeds? The Calvinists might rush in and say "told you!" However, I think we might be able to respond with a few things. First, I don't believe that Jesus' intention here was to tell people "hey, some of you are destined to be followers but the rest of you, sorry!" Instead, the purpose of the parable was to explain that the people of the kingdom and the people of sin will grow and live together until the end of the age, but that, ultimately, evil will be separated out. Even though the enemy intended on causing chaos in the field (world), at the time of the harvest, all will be separated out. When weeds and wheat are not fully grown, it is difficult to tell the difference between the two. However, when the wheat is fully grown and ready for harvest, it looks different and can be easily distinguished from the weeds.

Now, a better set of questions that will bake your noodle, and these will require some close following: If the enemy can also sow, and what he sows is different, does that mean the enemy can create? Then, if the enemy can sow what he created (weeds, sin) into the same field (world), is it possible that the evil people in the world are never meant to be saved? And is it possible that, in this case, they aren't really people and are just meant to look like us? Yes, I know, this is all crazy and complicated. Let me try to explain these one at a time.

God creates. He also created us with the ability to create. Does the devil also have this ability? If he does, then it means that he has some creative power that can have great influence in our field (world). I am inclined to consider this point of view, if for no other reason, because if I believe that what God created was good, and that when he created man he created man and woman equally, then I would have to believe that he didn't create two classes of human beings. Remember from the parable that it wasn't two types of wheat sown, it was wheat and weeds. Two completely different things. I have a hard time believing that God created two classes of humans and then decided that one wasn't good and that he allowed the devil to keep that one for himself. It is actually very easy for me to believe that evil was created by somebody other than God.

Now, to tackle the second question: is it possible that the evil people in the world are never meant to be saved? I have a hard time with this one. With the countless Old Testament examples of people from outside Israel being given quarter among them and the New Testament examples of Gentiles believing in Jesus Christ, I have a really hard time thinking that anyone is out of reach of God. So we might ask, can God in His infinite power change a weed into wheat? If I believe God is all-powerful, then yes, I would say that is within the realm of His power. But I also know that God's ways and thoughts are not like ours (Isaiah 55:8-9), so while I would say he can do those things, I cannot venture to say whether or not he would. There are examples in Scripture that indicate God's willingness to change the circumstances or forms to bring them to him, including the easy-to-remember one in Romans 11 about ingrafted branches. In that passage, Paul talks about God taking the Gentiles, which are of a wild olive plant, and grafting them into the cultivated olive tree, which is where Israel was supposed to be. Now, the problem with this is that, at least in Paul's example, both trees were still olive trees. We are dealing with two completely different types of plants in the parable example. In addition, we might have to question the weeds' capacity for change, and again whether or not God would go through with it anyway. Therefore, I am not comfortable making any sort of final statement concerning that question. However, trying to answer the next question gives an alternative, albeit an unusual one.

Is it possible that those sown or created by the devil and put into our world are not real? Ah, the old philosophical question of what is or isn't real comes up. Luckily, I'm not going to delve into that. I will simply use the word "real" as it relates to our perceptions that we have in our world, including what we can see, smell, taste, hear, and touch. As Christians, we believe in a God that we cannot, by our world's standards, see, smell, taste, hear, or touch. Now, we claim we can do each of these things, but these experiences are extra-sensory, meaning that in order for them to happen, there needs to be something beyond what our normal senses can do. This is usually where the Holy Spirit comes in. I say these things to help you understand that our idea of reality based on senses is not necessarily concrete. It stretches and contracts as our understandings and experiences permit. Now, we as Christians also have a common saying that goes something like this: "Don't listen to the devil's lies." So, in our daily lives we acknowledge that the devil has some power to influence what we hear, and we can extend this to say that we acknowledge the devil has power to influence our minds. Think about that. If that is true, then it is possible that the influence of the devil can distort our view of what is real. Now, if we keep this in mind and return to the question posed, we can start offering up explanations. Let's say that the weeds sown by the devil are not real, or that, if they are real, they are not like us, never were meant to be like us, and are only around to steal our nourishment and choke us. If that is so, then you could start to imagine tragedy, devastation, and death in a different light. What if some of the bad things that we heard have happened out there were designed by the devil to appear a certain way so that we might question God? Or perhaps even the things we experience first-hand, what if those things were designed to appear in such a way to make us doubt? Think about it. Do we not all agree that the devil is trying to direct us away from God? Do you think he would stop short of anything to do so? Keep in mind, I am not saying that tragedies don't legitimately happen. Of course, we could ask different questions about those types of things (I am actually working on writing something for that too).

So we can see that this parable raises some interesting questions, but none of them are totally answered by itself or by the rest of Scripture. There are other questions that might arise that I did not mention. A note that I mentioned earlier: I said that some might view the gathering of wheat and weeds at the end times to be proof of purgatory. I will say that I believe it is not the case, and I will quickly offer you my explanation, though I could go more in depth and may choose to do so in another post at another time. My belief is that, once a person has died, their perception of time as we experience in our reality is no longer applicable. They might then move into a similar sense as described of God in Psalm 90 or 2 Peter 3, where a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. So, even if they have died one hundred years ago, according to a person living on earth still, the person who died essentially is not part of the same time that the one on earth is. So the next person might die and they both instantly become part of the same reality again, only where time is not of the same value. I believe that it is in this way that those who have died before us, a day, a year or 1000 years before us will experience the end days at the same time as we who are still alive. So, if someone were to ask me if my grandma, who passed away in 2007, was in heaven or not, I might be inclined to answer both yes and no. I would say no because, as far as I have personally experienced, the end times has not come, so she would not have yet been admitted into paradise. Yet, I would also say yes because, perhaps according to my grandma's reality and within the scope of eternity, heaven has come and even I am there with her. Seems complicated, I know. But it is an interesting and, I feel, proper way to view the working of death as it relates to the end times.

So, these are some things that I have been thinking of, and I hope to do more posts like these soon. The final thoughts I would like to share about all this is that these are simply thoughts and, in some cases, beliefs that I have formed. I will not venture to say that all of these things are right or that Jesus was trying to say all these things in one little parable. I do not believe that these were the purposes of the parable. However, I think that they do raise many of these questions, questions that the Bible often does not answer. I think Scripture is important enough and the words of God are important enough to think on these things. I think that how we think of God and how we think of His kingdom, the world, reality, and life are extremely important. I hope you will feel the same way. I hope you come away thinking more deeply about aspects of Scripture and life. I would say there is no such thing as pointless talk about subjects like these, so long as we entertain them in the hopes of understanding, seeing, and hearing God better.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long.

Grace and peace.

-J

And they're at the Turn...

Hello friends and family,

You know, coming back to a blog is almost as hard as starting to work out again after having not done so for a long time. I use that illustration because I worked out earlier this morning. Really though, I remember saying on Facebook that I would update this blog during the first week of school, and here we are in the fourth week, and I am FINALLY getting around to it. I also have letters to write to friends back home, gosh I am just behind like crazy.

The start of classes brings new stresses, new opportunities, and more chances to forget that I am supposed to do things for different classes. Last year, I learned that I can do well in school as long as I stay ahead, go into every class with an attitude that I am trying to learn, and ask questions at any point that I am not sure of things. This year, things change slightly, because my classes this semester provide me with a different sort of problems. This year, I have my capstone class, Historiography, which requires extensive amounts of time per week, and the homework is never really finished until the final paper (appx 30 pages +/-) is turned in come April. I notice that it is difficult to figure out how much time to spend on that class and when to spend it. Along with this, I have reading-intensive classes that require lots of time as well. I have worksheets to do every week, so there is no shortcutting or skimming that I can do with that. I have Spanish, which is mostly difficult because my brain keeps trying to spit out Turkish that I learned over the last six months. I also have a practicum class, which requires me to get involved somewhere, get a mentor, and write journals for the entirety of the school year. I have not started that yet, and the clock is ticking. Needless to say, the first four weeks have gone by very, very quickly, and it is safe to assume the rest of the semester and year will as well. On top of the schooling, I am also a Teacher Assistant (and am teaching his class this Friday while he is away at a conference) and the President of our History honors society, so I have had additional work on my plate. This semester will be a good test run to see how I handle this sort of load. Before, I always ended up prioritizing one thing while letting everything else go by the wayside. Hopefully, I can maintain a better balance this time around. Pray that I will be able to handle the workload, that I will be diligent and responsible with my time, and that I will be effective in each of these areas.

The world of sports has been fun the last few months for me. The Oakland A's are about to make the playoffs, though it isn't in the fashion I would have hoped. I won't go into complaints or details, but I will say that when they lose, I often have to remind myself that it is only baseball, and it isn't life. But sometimes it can be quite exciting. Now, college football, that is something I am quite passionate about. My Nebraska Cornhuskers are 4-0 right now, and I am very happy about that. I was able to attend a game in Fresno, since Nebraska happened to be playing a game on the west coast this season. It was awesome! My whole family got to go as well, but unfortunately, Kendra was not able to make the trip because she had soccer. I had hoped to be able to take her, I think she would have loved it. Hopefully, there will be a chance in the future. As for the rest of the season, I am hoping the Huskers do well.

Speaking of sports, I have been back and forth on this news first about Ray Rice, and second about Adrian Peterson. They are public figures because they are part of a multi-billion dollar business, and so everything about them is scrutinized anyway. Now, we have these reports that have surfaced about domestic abuse happening with these men, and everyone is losing their minds over it. Some are calling for them to never play again, some are calling for the NFL commissioner to resign, and some are saying the NFL needs to revamp its rules. I'm just going to throw some thoughts out here. First of all, I do not condone domestic abuse. I think that people who commit these atrocities have a special place in hell reserved for them. Having said that, I think people are a little misconstrued here. Does anyone out there believe that those two are the first men in the world to abuse someone? No? Okay, I didn't think so. Yet, all of America is treating this like they were. How many people out there do you think abuse their spouse/kids? How many of them do you think have jobs? Let's remember, the NFL is a business, the Baltimore Ravens and Minnesota Vikings are employers, and Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson are employees of their respective franchises. I do not have a problem with the NFL taking action against them, but consider this: at what point do we allow businesses to control our employment based on our conduct outside of the workplace? Again, I believe what they did was wrong. But what if a business doesn't like the fact that I go to church, or that I spend certain days of the week going to Bible studies, or that I went to a Christian college? Obviously, the examples given are vastly different, but the point remains the same. Now the NFL is looking into personal conduct policies, which is well within their right as a business, but at what point does it stop? Where does the slippery slope end?  Rather than worrying about what the NFL will do, we need to pray for the hearts of these men so that they may be changed on account of love. And that's my rant for the day.

One of the other things I am doing at school is being a prayer leader. Now, that's kind of a weird title, but the point is that I am somebody who is appointed to be available to pray with people, perhaps if someone needs prayer but doesn't quite know who to go to. I am in a position where I take on the privilege and responsibility of going before God on behalf of my fellow students from my residence hall. I am planning on doing a bi-weekly study, as well as making it a habit to get people together on nights of the week to pray with each other. I am looking forward to seeing the fruit of that. Already, there have been some really cool encounters that I and others have had. Please pray that God really controls it and uses it for His glory.

Wow, how the time passes. I hope to update you again soon. Please pray that I am listening for God's call and that I am walking in step with Him on different paths that are in front of me.

I love you all.

-J

Better late than never

Hello my friends,

I am sorry that I did not post at the beginning of this month, and that I am late on the mid-month post as well. It is amazing how the things in our lives can become easily forgettable, or even de-prioritized. I think I just made up a new word. Anyways, I sincerely apologize, for I know that many of you read these and I realize that it is my duty and my joy to report to those that have sent me out.

For all of us have to carry on the work that Christ has for us. In some cases, that means staying where we are at, faithfully serving within the body we call home. To others, that means walking in obedience to the places which God has allowed us. In all cases, there is no more noble task than another. No missionary can say that they have contributed more than the usher at home, if each is giving his or her all in the name of Christ and in His power. No part of the body is more important than the others, as Paul said. Just because a toe is the furthest point away from the heart does not mean that it is less important, and just because the hand does the work does not make the arm that stretched it out less important.

This is why I feel it necessary to report back to you. For even though my task at hand seems common, worldly, and self-serving, it is still only made possible through God. By His guidance I am working toward an education to be a teacher so that I may share Christ's love with students. By His power I have strength in my mind and in my body to complete the work that is in front of me. By His provision I have been given the opportunity, the community of support, and the means to make this endeavor possible. By His love and grace, I have been saved and have been given the opportunity to do all of this. Further, we all have been charged by God with the same commands: Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself, and go and make disciples of all nations, teaching them to obey all that Jesus commanded. As I pursue this educational endeavor, I am still obligated to abide by these commands. Finally, the Church body has sent me out and have invested in me, supporting me prayerfully and financially. Therefore, to the church family that has sent me out on this journey I owe my account.

As I write this, I lie on my bed having just finished my classes for the day and also having done my daily Bible study. I remembered that I had not written in a long time, so I felt it best that I do so, so that I may use my time wisely. The last month has been a steady stream of school work, working out, miscellaneous activity, and challenges. Also, I have contemplated many things that have bothered me, which I will save to write about until the very end. Don't worry, I will note when I change toward these subjects, as they will be lengthy in detail. This way, any who do not wish to read into those things can simply click off and move on.

To begin, school is going well. I have maintained a good pace on my work, and I have continued to stay a few days ahead of my schedule, allowing me to have extended periods of time where I do not have to worry about doing homework. It has been nice to have some relaxing time. These times have allowed me to connect better with my roommates and given me time to be able to work out and practice piano. Oh yes, I don't think I have mentioned this, this semester I discovered (via friends) that the Music Dept piano rooms are open daily (unless somebody has them reserved). Knowing this, I try at least a few times per week to tickle the ivory and ebony. Some friends have discovered that I played piano, so I am going to be using that skill in at least one event this semester, perhaps more. On the subject of working out, I usually do it three times per week (lifting) and recently began running once per week with some members from my missions team. Working out, to me, is now more about taking care of my body than it is about being stronger or looking good. I have missed Saturday workouts two weeks in a row (accidentally) and I did not run today or last week. Luckily, I am motivated to be a steward of the body I reside in, so getting back on the horse won't be too difficult.

Speaking of missions, my team has met four times since the last time I updated. It has been a wonderful experience for me. My team is really awesome, I cannot say enough how pleased I am to know each of them and how awesome God is for creating each of them with their skills and talents. We have seen our share of God working in some really cool ways financially. One girl went from 6% funding to over 50% funding in a matter of days! During one of our meetings, our stateside contact came and met with us, teaching us about the ministry where we are going and giving us helpful tips and inside information. In another meeting, I gave my testimony (only the second or third time doing so in full), and we have been hearing different testimonies every week. It is awesome to see the different ways in which God has called each of us into His presence. Some roads have been bumpy, some have been more smooth, but the important thing is that each of us now shares in the grace that God has freely given to all.

As part of our missions training, we are participating in what is called "The Challenge." In this challenge, we are spending 21 days fasting from different things, such as shoes, running water, and cell phones. Honestly, while I understood the idea of the challenge, I was not much in favor or excited about doing it. Much of the direction and instruction is vague, and different people have communicated different things about it. Some said it can be what you make it, others say to do what our booklet says. Still more say to go to the extreme, while others say it is simply an idea that you can participate if you want but you do not have to. I had my own disagreements with it, including the manner in which we fasted and in the mentality behind it. However, after speaking to my dad of my concerns, he encouraged me to have an open mind and an open heart, to participate in what the challenge said to do, and to journal through the process. We are nearing the end of this challenge, with our 30 hour fast from all food this weekend, starting tomorrow. After this, in my next post, I will share some of my thoughts and experiences. For now, I continue to see where God leads my heart in this.

My car has been running funny, and a little over a week ago I began trying to diagnose and repair the problem. It is still in progress, and has been quite frustrating at times, but I know it will get worked out eventually. Part of the issue is money; I just can't make some of the repairs until I get some funds in. Luckily, I have a tax return that will be making its way to me in the coming weeks, so I will probably finish it then. In addition to this headache, doing my aforementioned taxes was a painstaking process, mostly because my w-2s were not going to be sent to where I am now, but were instead sent to places I used to live. I had to wait a bit for some to get mailed to me (thank you Mathew's family) and another I had to wait for because of mis-communications and incompetence. Yes, I really said that. Anyways, the tax return is going to be very helpful in paying for school, so having to delay it for so long was a little irritating. Most of my return will go toward my school payments, and after those are applied, I will almost have my semester paid off. Please pray that I get my car running soon and that God will continue to provide as He has for the financial matters.

Last weekend, I was able to see Calvary's Dinner Theater. I was so happy to see them do such a great job. It was bittersweet: bitter because I was not there through the process and able to be part of their lives, but sweet because of the joy it brought to my heart to see how so many have grown. It was an honor to contribute the very small amount that I did. I want to shout out to all of the students and staff: You did an amazing job and I am so proud of all of you! Now that you have done these things, continue to serve each other and love each other and work hard so that God's love may be on display in you at all times!

I have drawn near to the end of one of my recent goals: to read the Bible cover to cover. I just finished through Jude today, and in the coming days I will read Revelation, completing the goal I set before myself in September. It has been a great experience, and being able to read the whole scope of biblical events has been awesome. Once I am done, I will begin to go through scripture in ways different than I ever have. I want to use Bible commentaries, dictionaries, multiple translations, and I will go thought by thought, journaling through each section. By this I am hoping that I may grow to an even deeper understanding of who God is and what He is saying. Please pray that as I do this that I will put into practice everything I learn, that I will not be just someone to listens to the Word, but that I will do what it says.

I have been thinking about what kinds of things I can do around Simpson to use my gifts and to help lead and teach others. Some might say that in order to be a leader you have to have a position, or that you have to move upwards, or that you have to be a certain kind of person or have a certain calling. But I believe that God calls all of us to lead in different ways. All of us are to use what God has given us to lead others to Him and to a closer relationship with Jesus. One of my ideas I am coming to call "Secret Church." Yes, I am aware that things like this have been done before, but my goal is to have it be an unscheduled, unsanctioned, raw, real time of prayer, worship, and devotion. I am still thinking through details. Pray that whatever God leads me to will be fruitful and will be all for His glory, and that the body may be edified and encouraged and strengthened.

So now ends the main things I wanted to say. What follows will be some thoughts I have gathered over the last few weeks/months that I am now putting into words. If some of you should sign off now, I want to say thank you for reading and for praying with me and supporting me. For those who are sticking around, buckle up. You have been warned.

_________________________

Is anybody tired of cliche verses? Is anybody tired of people taking scripture out of context so that they can feel better about themselves or about what they have been doing? Is anyone tired of people using verses to justify their inaction or reaction?

I am.

Take Jeremiah 29:11 for example.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (NIV)

I understand. I get it. God has plans for us. God is our hope. It is true that these words teach us something. People parade this verse around all the time, including very close friends of mine. They are good, comforting words. But guess what? We're in America! Have we been exiled? Have we been marginalized, stripped naked, and starved? Let us remember that Jeremiah was a prophet speaking to the people of Judah, who were going to fall to the Babylonians, have their city and temple burned to the ground, and be scattered and led away to other places. Why? Because they disobeyed God! God gave them plenty of chances to repent and they didn't. So here was God, allowing them into probably the worst possible thing outside of death that could happen to them. I cannot imagine being an Israelite in this time. But God had it in His plan of redemption to secure a remnant of people to bring back to the land, because in His time he would bring about the redemption of God's people (we now know this to mean Jesus). His words through Jeremiah are that even though He is allowing them to go through this terrible time, He would not forget them and that it was for their good, so that He may reshape their hearts and winnow out the wickedness of Israel. So, now tell me, do you think anyone who parades that verse today intends on going into exile, stripped down and hungry? None of us are even close to anything of that sort. Instead, we use the verse to tell ourselves that obviously God has great plans for us to prosper and give us a future, and so we get this expectation that we will achieve prosperity, though I would argue most of us think of prosperity in worldly terms. We think it means we will get that job and get that income and that house, car, and comfort. But this is not what God was saying to Israel. He was using the exile for their good. I would suppose that the irritation I have here applies for those who use this verse as their hope for achieving worldly success. Perhaps if people would realize what was happening here and got some perspective, then this verse could be even greater for them, not as a way of assuring themselves of prosperity, but as a way of knowing that through the darkness of trials and tribulations that God still uses those things for their good. I think a better verse to use in this case is Romans 8:28. The context is more suitable and the meaning is far more accurate to the point.

Guess what, here comes another verse! Philippians 4:13:

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (NIV)

Some translations say "all things" instead of "all this." Even so, this again is out of context. We know that our strength comes ultimately from God, and that God does not fail. But using this verse as an anthem to believe that you can do everything you want to do is inaccurate. So, you're saying that if I am on a wrestling team and there is a guy who is a better wrestler and more in shape than I am, that as long as I believe Christ gives me strength (and maybe if I say this verse before I go up), that I will win? Or that if I believe Christ gives me strength then it means I can go into a test and get a good grade even if I didn't study or do my homework or work very hard? Sure, these are extreme examples, but the point remains the same. Even if you would rather use the words "All things," all things don't always fall into God's plan or will. Remember what Paul is talking about in all of Philippians (about being in chains, having humility, considering everything garbage in comparison to Christ, to summarize the first three chapters) and then especially in chapter 4. He talks about rejoicing in God and about our thoughts being focused on Christ. Then comes talking about learning to be content in all circumstances. Whether well fed or hungry, whether having plenty or being in want, Paul has learned to be content because of the strength of Christ. Paul wasn't saying that he could do any act in the world because of the strength of Christ, though that surely is possible with God, but instead was saying that even if he had nothing he would be okay and that it was abiding in Christ that made it possible. If people want to talk about God's strength overcoming their weakness, a better verse to use would be 2 Corinthians 12:9. In that verse, Paul talks about his weakness and God's grace.

In both cases, I just have a hard time when people use these verses out of context in communicating them to others, or even themselves. I take it seriously because I want people to be careful to not distort the word of God just to make it more friendly and so set people on a path to destruction or frustration. Do not put stumbling blocks in front of people. What I have endeavored here was to try to help some understand the context of the verses. By this understanding, I think the verses become that much more powerful. The point is part of a greater goal of reminding people that there is more to God's word than these "memory verses." God's word is to be taken as a whole, or not at all. But the best part is knowing the whole makes it so much better. I hope that I have communicated clearly what is in my heart, and I am not ashamed or afraid to defend that which I believe. There is much more that I could have said to clarify and elaborate, but it would take pages and pages which nobody wants to read here.

thanks again for reading. Please pray that I will keep my heart open to God and that He may speak to all of us of His truth and His love. Keep me in your prayers, that I may honor God in word and deed and that I may have the grace to pursue Christ-likeness in this season of my life. Thank you all.

With love,

-J

The Whirlwind of Life

Hello everyone!

Thank you for tuning in here, I appreciate the time you spend reading this, and I hope that when you read, you are challenged and encouraged.

What do you know, today I am actually updating my blog exactly on the day I usually want to do it! I apologize for not being on schedule much until now. Today I find myself with a rather large amount of time to kill; I don't have really any homework (none due tomorrow at least) and Kendra is pretty busy today. Since the last time I wrote, I came back to school and have been back at classes for a little over a week. 

I enjoyed the last few days in Manteca. It felt just as hard to leave again, even though I had only been back a short time. Spending time with the Youth students, being involved in Calvary's service and worship team, hanging out with friends, etc., were all things that were very refreshing, but also reminded me of what I have not yet established up here in Redding. I know that nothing will be the same, and I do not believe I should try to make things exactly the same. But, it is still pretty hard to leave your home. But, I am encouraged and ready to tackle this semester. I know that being here is right, even as I feel the pain of separation from family and friends. I know that whether I am in Manteca leading worship or in Redding writing a paper that the love of God remains the same, and that whether I am surrounded by friends and loved ones or tucked away alone in my dorm room that God's presence remains the same. I am beginning to better understand what Paul really meant when he wrote in Philippians that he "learned to be content in all circumstances." The point was that Paul was focused completely on who God was and on the grace that He pours out, and that helped him to keep his mind on heavenly things, and to not focus on what he lacked, but on what God had abundantly given him, and he was able to do that through Christ, who gave him strength. I, and many people out there, often misunderstand and misuse that verse in scripture. We tend to use it as a way to tell ourselves that whatever we set our minds to can be done because God gives us strength. Really, though, Paul was emphasizing that even in times where he could do nothing, or when he had nothing, he was content, because God helped him to be content. Looking at the verse that way doesn't change how valuable it is; rather, it helps us to keep ourselves in perspective. God doesn't answer to us and the things we wish to do for Him, He invites us to enjoy in the grace and peace that He offers to us for the journey ahead.

This mindset has helped me a lot. My dad has talked with me a lot in the last few weeks, including the Christmas break, and I have benefited much from it. I greatly appreciate the time and wisdom my dad pours into me. He has helped me to better understand many of these things, and with it I have become more at peace with my situations financially, mentally, spiritually, and academically. I no longer am worried about how I will pay for school. I still need a lot of help, and I need a lot of things to work out, but I am not prideful and I am not worried. And I am not ashamed to admit that I am weak and cannot help myself. I am confident that God will work things for the good, and that His power is made perfect in weakness. I ask that you continue to pray with me in this, that I may continue to press on toward what God has, resting in His grace. The last few weeks have been quite transforming in this respect. I am excited to be where I am, and I am excited to see where God takes me in this. I definitely feel my heart being changed, softened, and molded. 

As I began class, I had 16 units registered, and it figured to be a big semester of reading. So, for a change of pace, I filed paperwork and added a seventh class, giving myself 19 units. The class I added? Political History of Europe through Film. One day per week, three hours per day. All we do is watch movies and write reviews on it, followed by a research paper later in the semester. It actually works out well, as I will be able to dock off another class necessary for next year, meaning that for my senior year of college, I will only need 12 units per semester! This leaves me many possibilities. The first, and most desirable, is that I may try to get all my credentialing classes finished alongside my undergrad, then I will only have to worry about student-teaching when I get out of Simpson. That puts me at least a half a year closer to my long term goal of Graduating college and getting a Teaching Credential. I am very excited about this. Nothing is certain yet, but I know that God is in charge, and He will direct things to their proper course in accordance to His will. Please be in prayer with me about this!

I wrote on facebook the other day that I had made it through the Old testament portion of the Bible in order and that I am working on the New Testament. I am currently into Luke, so at this rate, I think I will finish the New Testament as early as the first week of February. That'll be pretty exciting. I have also separately been reading Philippians for my missions team and John for a weekly bible study with Kendra and her roommate, Marijke. So I am a busy bible reader! Oh yeah, and I have to read the Bible for my Bible classes. Haha. 

Speaking of my missions team, I am sending out update letters, but I am currently having a struggle getting a hold of envelopes and stamps to send them out, so they are being delayed a bit, so I apologize. I am doing well in that, we have started weekly meetings this semester, and I am glad to be getting to know my teammates. We are sharing testimonies and working on fundraising opportunities. If you want to give and you haven't been able to, haven't had the chance, or didn't know about it, here's the link:

https://sna.etapestry.com/fundraiser/SimpsonU/EEU14/aboutEvent.do

We still are a work in progress, but I think everyone is until the day of completion. Specifically, we are praying that God will provide for everyone to go, and that God will prepare not only our hearts but also the hearts of those we will come into contact with. 

Brandon and Thomas drove up to visit, and it was great to have them! They actually spent more time traveling than they spent with me, so I felt bad about that, cause its a tough day trip to make. But I was thankful for the time they took out to spend with me. It really meant a lot. Now to get Brandon to attend Simpson like he was thinking about...

As the semester has just started, I have not really been doing much so there isn't as much to report on for now. Interestingly, in comparison to the last time I updated this blog, my mind is definitely more at rest. I 100% believe that it is because of God's presence in my life, and I have focused much more on the grace that He gives freely. Please pray that I maintain this course, and that this attitude carries over into my academics, missions, and every other area of life. Also pray that I am patient with those around me, and that I am always striving to help people find and glorify God. I love you all, I hope to see you and talk to you soon. 

May God bless you and keep you, and may He make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you, and give you peace.

In Christ's love,

-J

Where we ought not go

Hello everyone, I thank you for reading this, and I apologize for being a bit late on this. I pray that this blog post finds you well and filled with joy and peace.

Tonight, I sit in the living room of a friend's house that I am house sitting at (sort of). I have had ample time to sit and reflect on the previous few weeks, and I have done my best to relax from the rigors of the previous semester. The Christmas break has seen a bit of adventure, a lot of awesome workings by God, tremendous opportunities, traditions, and a lot of friends. When I returned home for Winter break on December 12, my mind was filled with many questions, the likes of which still have not fully been answered. I wrote before of my struggle and of the way in which I challenged God and myself, and at how God was already beginning to respond to me. Throughout the break, I have learned to be content with what has been in front of me, and to take things one step at a time, and that there is a time for everything, for mourning, for joy, for anger and for laughter. God has been working in some really cool ways, and in other ways He has been ever silent. As I sit and reflect on these past weeks, I hold a sense of peace yet also I feel the anxiety of another semester creeping within.

I always knew this would be the toughest year of the two I would spend at Simpson. So much uncertainty about money, work, etc., and not a lot of wiggling room to spare. I thought that the first semester would be the tougher one, since I was unsure of which Justin would show up to school, in an academic sense. I was unsure of how I would adjust to living in a dorm away from where I wanted to be. Turns out, I didn't fare so badly. I stayed on top of my homework, and I only missed a few classes (due to a wedding, and one due to sickness). As a result, in my six classes, I got all A's and an A- for a semester GPA of 3.982. Haha, that darn A- grade. Anyways, the thing I feared most has ended up not being the worst thing I've dealt with. I am confident that I will carry on my grades to the next semester. So, instead of academics being a primary concern, it is actually how I will pay for it. The first semester was full of blessings as many people and circumstances came through by God to pay the semester. I knew that I would have to go payment by payment for this Spring 2014 semester. Under normal circumstances, Semester payments are due in full on the 15th of the month before the semester begins. I was unsure of this until recently. Long story short, I made a call telling the school I would not be able to make the first of four monthly installments on time on Dec. 15. Truth is, I still haven't made the payment, and now we are into January, with another installment just thirteen days away. With classes resuming on the 7th, there is no way I will get around this one. Somehow, nobody has called me, nobody has emailed me. Nobody representing the school has come after me for the money. This has to be some sort of act of God's favor, cause when money is involved, there is always someone eager to collect. Too bad I couldn't hold off til the end of the semester. If only I could get through this semester, I would be okay. I know it. I am confident that I will be able to make it next year. I have to. Getting there is the issue. Pray that God will provide.

And here's the flip side of this: I am trying to go on this missions trip still? As of late, many have contributed, and I am so grateful for that. God has used His people to provide for that, and so it is funny how I remain nervous about not having what I need. I suppose I wonder if I am doing the right thing because I am having such trouble paying for school, how could I just try to do something like this? My dad began using a phrase when talking to me, which he found in some book that goes something like this:

"Don't forget in the darkness what you have seen in the light."

It is a funny thing that people do, that I do. If you put a piece of paper down on a table and turn the light off, you can rest assured that when you turn that light back on, the paper will still be there. In the same way, when God speaks to you and shows you something, you can be darn sure that what He said and showed you is still true when He is silent. When you are presented with two paths and one is lighted and the other is dark, why would you venture into the darkness? Why would you go where you shouldn't? Yet, this is who we are... this is who I am. We are reckless, persistent, stubborn human beings. It is our God complex. One of the greatest things about this break has been that I have not had to think about any of the problems of the future. But, as I reflect, I realize that in my eagerness to not think about things, I have not actually grown or learned. I am ashamed to say that. But I seek God's grace and love in this, and I pray that I may know more the love which covers all things. Please pray that I will become more aware of God's love in my life.

I have been fighting sickness the last few weeks, but I think it is finally going away. It has been a rough go for myself and for many others as well. Nothing was worse than the week of finals, which I believe I described in my previous entry. Still, it was tough to get through all the gross feeling. Hopefully it will be a long time before I get sick again. Please pray for my health and for strength and endurance for the next few months.

I had the awesome opportunity to co-lead worship at Calvary this past Sunday, and I will do so again this Sunday. It is encouraging and such a privilege to do such a thing with my church family, and it is also encouraging to hear positive things and that God uses me. I am excited for this Sunday, and I hope that the praises to God will overflow from our congregation, this time by music. It is a privilege to be able to give myself, give what I have, to the body. One of the hardest things about being away was that with no money and no resources, I have not much to give, and so I have taken a lot of value in being able to give what I do have: time, knowledge, wisdom, music. Thanks be to God, for the grace to be able to do this.

Now, the holidays were excellent. I got to spend a week in Arizona with my parents before returning with them to Manteca, where we got to spend another five days together. We got to have a great Christmas celebration with friends and with each other. It is interesting, as the years go by, how much more I enjoy and cherish these holidays, as chaotic and disorderly as they may be. I get pretty stressed around Christmas time because I have an irrational resentment of gifts, materialism, and things of the like, but I was able to get past that. I painted a number of pictures for my family as gifts, I had a lot of fun doing it, so I guess that is what matters. For New Years, I got to spend it with the Youth at Calvary, as I have the previous years. I ran sound for the bands that we had play, and they did great! I was impressed by the high school band, they really did an excellent job for a bunch of young guys! I was super proud of them, I had each of them in my discipleship group at one point or another.

For once in a great while, I am short of words to say. Much else is on my mind, but I have not been able to organize my thoughts enough to be able to write them down. I hope you will forgive me for that. I wanted to take a minute and thank those who have given to my trip and chose to remain anonymous. I am unable to thank you personally if I don't know who you are. But that is okay, just know that I am grateful and that you are just as much a part of my trip as I am.

Please continue to pray for me as I continue with school and life. Anything and everything helps. Also, I know I have mentioned this before, but I would really love to get some hand written letters from people! Ha, I guess this looks like a desperate plea, and it may be. It is nice to know that people care. Don't be afraid to send me a letter! I'd love it, actually. I'll put my school address here since I don't know who does and doesn't have it:

Justin Thomason #714
2211 College View Dr.
Redding, CA 96003

I pray that God will bless you abundantly, and that you will respond with obedience to whatever He may call you to. I pray for the joy of His love to overflow from you and for grace to abound in your lives. Thank you for your support, your prayer, and your love.

I promise to write more next time.

-J